Love in an Elevator

                Well it certainly has been awhile since I have snarked my way through another movie, so I feel I owe you all a good one. Sorry to say I am failing to deliver a good movie, but hopefully my review entertains.  This film was the first request I received from my friend Travis, but I only recently (relatively) got around to watching it for review. Enough stalling…today’s film is...

                The Shaft. That is The Shaft, no relation to the 1970’s detective Shaft(or the 2000’s remake). This film is about a killer elevator. Yup, we are moving from homicidal snowman to murderous elevator. I can’t tell if this is a better or worse of an idea. Anyway some background info. First off, the movie is more commonly known as ‘Down’ (a title which makes even less sense) but the U.S. release was re-christened ‘The Shaft’ for little to know explainable reason…other than it being a gateway point for penile humor. This movie is actually a re-make (really?! Why?!!!) of a 1983 Dutch horror film called ‘De Lift’. ‘De Lift’ was actually considered one of the better Dutch horror films of that era and the Dutch release of ‘The Shaft’ did rather poorly, despite both ‘De Lift’ having the same director.

This film is owned by Buena Vista International (if they want to own up to it) and….First Floor Features? Really? I wish I was making the puns up myself…these people are doing my job for me.

Summary

The movie opens with some tracking shots of the New York skyline accompanied by music that seems like it would be more appropriate in one of the Lord of the Rings films. This leads to one initial horrifying conclusion: despite the plot revolving around a killer elevator, this movie is determined to take itself seriously. Hoo boy. A thunderstorm is raging (or just sorta flashing in the background without any rain) as we move in on the tallest building we see, the subtitles inform us that this is the Millennium building (the movie was made in the year 2000,so I think they were trying to be topical) and it has 102 floors and 73 elevators. I will say that it has as many floors and elevators as the Empire State Building…this is probably the horror-universe equivalent. This is later confirmed when they refer to it as ‘New York’s most famous land mark’.  We are introduced to two lovable security guards (Andy and Gary) who are busy using the observation deck to peep in windows of neighboring buildings. We are before the three minute mark and we already are getting the nude scenes out of the way. If you are hoping the rest of the movie continues in this vein, you’ll be disappointed to know that that is it for the film. Sorry, maybe try returning to the snowman sex from last time?

The elevator bit my flashlight! Great expressions.

                After they run out of quarters and get back to work a power surge (assumedly from the tower being hit by lightning) causes the lights to flicker. It seems to be nothing but the creepy music and a slight security camera distortion seem to hint otherwise. They talk about going down to the 66^th floor (since they couldn’t find a 666^th floor I guess…) but Andy leaves to urinate while Gary waits by the elevators. The doors open and some weird disturbance affects Gary’s watch. Now, lightning strikes cannot affect watches, so I am forced to assume that his watch is being affected by the ‘Aura of Elevator Evil’.  You know, ‘cuz that makes sense. More lightning strikes the building and the doors of the elevator insist on closing. Despite his attempts, they keep trying to close and his flashlight begins flashing unexplainably (also caught in the ‘Aura of Evil’ I suppose). The doors of the elevator vibrate and the doors slam shut…killing poor Gary’s flashlight in the process.

                The next day we meet the protagonists, Jeff (last name impaired) and Mark Newman, the ever vigilant employees of the Metor Elevator repair company. Now I don’t know about you, but I think ‘Meteor’ is a poor name for an elevator repair company. Falling like a meteor is the last thing one wants an elevator to do. I digress.  Jeff is very serious about his job and is cranky towards Mark, who is portrayed as a drunk and a slacker who barely is holding the job. However, as Mark is one of three characters in the film who actually has a last name, his importance is assured. The radio as they drive to work tells us that a record number of lightning strikes occurred last night (later we learn four hit the Millennium Building) and it hints that this is the cause of the evil. Lightning makes it evil? Sure…okay.

How is Babby formed? Love the faces here too.

                We leave our heroes to return to the Millennium Building where somewhere around the 30^th floor, a group of six pregnant women enter the elevator and…oh boy, here we go.  The elevator stops suddenly, sending all the women to the ground. Security notices an alarm but since this has been happening off and on for 3 days (there goes the ‘lightning did it’ explanation) they ignore it and the alarm ceases. Inside the Shaft of Fertility, the buttons and emergency phone refuse to work and the women’s cell phones’ signals are blocked by the ‘Aura of Elevator Evil’. Also, the air flow is cut, turning the elevator into a sauna and the attempts at rescue from outside fail because the elevator’s key will not turn. The rescue team cut the power but despite this the elevator descends anyway. The women are alright(ish) when they reach the lobby but two of them gave birth within the elevator. So far there are no deaths but two shaft-induced births (No, the penis jokes will not cease) put the kill count at -2.

                We rejoin Mark and Jeff during their lunch break as they get the call to go fix the shaft, seeing as more people are getting off it than are getting on. Determined to limit such births in the future, our heroes rush off. Meanwhile we cut away to journalist (and last name bearer # 2) Jennifer Evans, who is played by one of the few notable stars in this movie, Naomi Watts. Isn’t it cute? This movie is trying to pretend it has a budget. After talking to a man who looks a lot like Harold Ramis (you know, the building does remind me of the apartment in Ghostbusters…), she sent to cover the pregnancy incident. Once on site, Ms. Watts proves she can play the most parasitic paparazzi possible by harassing the women as they are being taken to ambulances. I hate reporters.

                Back with Mark and Jeff, they are on sight looking over the elevator. We also get to hear talk of how Jeff’s last partner Kowalski committed suicide and was found burnt to death in his car on the beach. Look at him, acting like he has a back story. We also learn that he is kind of a dick (no relation to the other dick jokes, just a regular dick) from the way he treats the building’s maintenance crew. After looking it over they find nothing wrong, although the way the elevator almost seemed to breath at one point was a touch ominous. Mechanically speaking, nothing is wrong, so they report their findings and leave.

                Meanwhile, up on the 24^th floor, Mr. Faith (a blind pervert)is getting his hair cut. Fed up with his groping,  his stylist gives him a look to rival Jack Nicholson’s Joker. H, and his seeing-eye dog named Buster get onto an elevator. Nothing could possibly happen to a blind pervert, right? He hits the ‘lobby’ button, but the elevator has other plans. He is brought up to the 91^st floor, and after stepping off the elevator confused, the doors shut behind him. He presses the call button, but Buster begins to growl. Dogs can smell the’ Aura of Elevator Evil’, y’know. When the doors open there is no elevator and the expected happens. Yep. He walks into it, but the jerk dragged his poor dog in too. Poor Buster. However we do notice that not just one, but at least two of the elevators conspired to kill this man. All the elevators are in cahoots!

Why, Hello there Awkwardness.

                Mark reestablishes his status as a main character by delving into his backstory. Apparently he got into a fight with his (girlfriend? Wife? Probably girlfriend…) lady-friend and is trying to make up with her by bringing her flowers. Too bad she seems to be sleeping with someone else, as our hero learns when the new boyfriend appears towel-clad. After striking out here (but he at least isn’t a bitch about it) Mark leaves and this foray into him pretending to be a developed character ends. He goes to recuperate at a bar with Jeff and his pregnant (wife? Girlfriend? Probably wife…) lady-friend. It also turns out the woman who dumped Mark is Jeff’s half-sister…what is this? A soap opera?

                That night we re-find our two inept guards from the first scene (these guys are great, by the way) stealing booze. Their drinking is short lived when the elevator decides to play cat-and-mouse with them.  The security office alerts them to an elevator moving in the empty building, but when the doors open no one exits. The guards rush over but the door closes and it drops four floors. They race down to head it off but it closes and goes back up a few floors. While debating their options Gary’s (yeah, they still have names) flashlight flickers under the influence of the ‘Aura’ and the doors open to an empty shaft. Andy (also still has a name) finds the body of poor Buster just before the doors close trapping his head. The office (whose camera’s are also facing ‘Aura’ induced malfunctions) notices what the elevator has begun descending. Just like with Mr. Faith, I think we can all see where this is going. Goodbye Andy.

He gave the shaft head! XD

                Next morning a rather hung-over Mark returns to trying to fix the Shaft. Before long he goes to re-experience his last mean in the bathroom only to meet Jennifer, our reporter character. Since the press are not allowed inside, she is pretending to work there but Mark sees right through it. She tries to get some dirt on the elevators but he out snarks her and leaves before security escorts her out(despite her actually trying to convince the guards that he raped her…yeah. She will say anything apparently). Mark meets up with Jeff and both agree that they cannot find anything wrong…again. They report it, but Mark is concerned about the situation while Jeff writes everything off and acts like a dick again.

Car-boner. Never thought cars liked elevators.

                The following day we find Mark being yelled at by his boss, Mr. Mitchell (how the hell did they get Ron Perlman in this movie?) for talking to the reporter. Seems she printed his snarky comments as facts, causing trouble for the Meteor company. Today Mark is working with Murphy who gives us some more exposition. He mentions talks more about Jeff’s old partner’s suicide. Apparently the guy worked on the Millennium building too…suspicious. Elsewhere, on a completely unrelated note, two roller-blade punks (Nameless, so let’s just call them ‘Dreds’ and ‘Wipeout’)are having a race, causing several traffic incidents along the way. Suddenly Wipeout…wipes out in front of the elevators in the parking garage of the Millennium Building. Not realizing his peril, several nearby cars react to the ‘Aura of Elevator Evil’ by…getting some sort of windshield wiper-boner and sounding their car-alarms. The elevator doors open, flooding the garage with blinding light (from where? I dunno). Then, most unexpectedly Wipeout is sucked into the elevator as if it were a high powered vacuum. He is brought up to the 86^th floor before being disgorged from the shaft like a bullet, sent through the window to fall to his death. Meanwhile, somewhere in Harlem, Mark sees the news report of Wipeout’s death on the news. Now he begins to really suspect that maybe something is really wrong with that building. Seeing no choice he races to the see…(to do what? I don’t think he knows either, but he sure pissed off Murphy).

Would you trust this woman with your children?

                Outside the building Mark runs back into Ms. Jennifer Evans who is trying to get a story. He chews her out for a bit over her article about him and they part ways. Seeing as she is supposed to be an important character she gets very little screen time. In the building, we see the World’s Best Daycare Lady (actual dialogue: “Quiet! Little bastards, don’t fuck with me. Bunch of losers you are…all of you” and she continues for quite a while) giving important life lessons before a little girl sneaks away. Little Mary Jane winds up playing in front of the elevators. The doors open and close repeatedly as if playing with the little girl before finally taking a bite out of her doll. The World’s Best Daycare Lady finds her before any real harm comes and escorts her to relative safety.

                Jennifer finally decides to step into the spotlight and shows up at Mark’s place. How she tracked him down is anyone’s guess. She shows him the security footage of ‘Wipeout’s’ death and they conclude that something is very wrong after noticing the elevator took only 1.8 seconds to go up 86 floors (a trip which should take 42 seconds). They go to try to show this info to Jeff, but he doesn’t listen and hurries off in a huff. He seemed unusually nervous about something but we are left in the dark for now. Mark and Jennifer then go to dinner instead and talk about elevators. Suddenly Jennifer decides to research Gunther Steinberg (a scientist who works at Meteor Elevators. He was referenced very briefly in only one scene before this) and discovers that he worked for the military. Chip (the Harold Ramos look-alike) comes by and hands us the plot. He says that they were making bio-chips for guided missiles based on dolphin brains (for science!) but ran into problems when the missiles started  getting MINDS OF THEIR OWN. Somehow the chips started reproducing (what logic does this movie follow?!) and began growing  like living organisms. Chip then agrees to research Mr. Steinberg.

                Now believing that the elevator was experimented on by Dr. Steinberg and that it now has a mind of its own, Jennifer and Mark part ways for the night. The next morning, Mr. Milligan (the Millennium Building manager) is not pleased to discover Jeff’s body in the elevator shaft. Mark receives  a call from Jennifer about this discovery and they head to a press conference where the elevator company and the police are pinning the accidents on Jeff’s body. Seeing a strange pattern, Mark suggests looking into Kowalski’s suicide to see if there is a connection to Steinberg or to Jeff’s death. The meet up with Jeff’s widow who tells them that some German guy (Steinberg) called him out last night and that Kowalski died not burning in his car, but in the elevator! Dun Dun Duuuuun!

                Continuing their investigation streak, our heroes go to visit Kowalski’s wife. Since Mrs. Kowalski doesn’t answer her door, the pair do the obvious thing and break in. Inside they find what appears to be a voodoo shrine to the late Kowalski. Soon they are visited by Mrs. Kowalski who is out of her mind. She believes “they” killed him and now his spirit (and maybe the Devil) haunt the elevator seeking revenge. So we have three theories:

This woman is clearly sane.

             1)      Freak lightning strike animated and pissed off elevator, making it murderous.

             2)      Bio-chips created by Dr. Steinberg became self –aware and like to kill people because                        reasons

             3)      The spirit of Kowalski is pissed after dying in the elevator and is out for revenge.

Theory one seems out, and three is the most plausible (sadly) yet is the least likely. It is probably evil-dolphin brain chips. I give them points for…um…creativity?

                While this is going on our killer elevator kicks it up a notch. 16 people board an elevator and it doesn’t end well for them, the floor dropping out beneath them. This incident moves the president to speak out against the terrorists that are obviously behind this. He declares the building sealed off. Elsewhere, Mr. Mitchell and Dr. Steinberg have a shifty meeting in Steinberg’s car. Apparently both knew about the bio-chip, but did nothing about it. Steinberg still thinks he can control it, but Mitchell wants to be done with this. He doesn’t want more lives lost but Steinberg isn’t sure he can stop it now.

Chip McNot-Harold-Ramis

                That night, during a heavy downpour, the police, SWAT team, several dogs, and the FBI are busy locking down the Millennium building. Mark and Jennifer sneak in using a Meteor company truck until Jennifer is busted by the cops. Mark is one sneaky bitch and makes his way inside. Before she is found out though, Jennifer fields a call from Chip McNot-Harold-Ramis and he says that they were still experimenting with the bio-chips…but they aren’t just using dolphins anymore! He…doesn’t really say what they are using but we can assume that it is some Soilent Green Bullshit going on right here.

                Using his ninja skills, Mark evades detection by trained police and FBI agents and their helicopter (Mark was a marine but still…) and makes his way to the top of the building, seeing a lot of weapons and ammo along the way. He reaches the main control box but apparently it was destroyed when the elevator breached the roof. He reasons there must be another box they never checked. He tries to sneak into an elevator, but the doors open to welcome him. Inside he tries to climb through the roof maintenance hatch but the elevator starts moving and refuses to respond to his rampant button pressing. Mark, undaunted, rips open the button panel and breaks some wires which stop it…for a while at least. He gets on top of the elevator and uses a manual control to move the car up…wait…if the car was capable of moving, why did it stop when the wires were pulled? The evil bio-chip thing seem to be able to make things that were never wired move…so why not the elevator now? Oh forget it.

                While all this is going on, Jennifer is locked in a storage closet until the police figure out what to do with her…instead of taking her to, you know, jail. They are busy trying to get to Mark, since moving the elevator gave away his position. Mark finds some birds that the elevator has been eating and the word “shaft” written in blood. Bloody shafts are never a good sign. He rises several more floors until the FBI cuts his power, then the trooper begins to climb the cables barehanded. Like a boss. He finds the second control box (which is dripping slime) but the shaft isn’t gonna take this lying down. It electrifies (with the power cut, how?) the roof-buried car while Mark opens the box revealing the evil bio-chip. He stabs it several times with a screwdriver when suddenly the electro-car starts on fire. It drops the flaming car down the shaft right next to our hero, forcing him to dodge the flames. He falls a bit but catches himself, the FBI guys climbing up to get Mark are not so fortunate. One is bisected by the flaming car.

How exactly is this a computer chip?

                Having the upper hand, with Mark barely holding on, the Shaft sends another car (sans flames) up at him. He dodges only to get his foot snagged by a cable from the third elevator that attacked him. Mark frees himself just before that elevator hits the ceiling and he is even able to dodge the falling debris. The guy must have been a monkey in a past life. While Mark is busy not-dying, our other characters aren’t just sitting around. Dr. Steinberg arrives on the scene while Jennifer escapes the storage room through the ceiling. Mark leaves the Shaft and helps himself to a ‘stinger’ the SWAT team left lying around. For all y’all haters, a ‘stinger’ is a rocket launcher. He returns and aims his weapon at the Bio-chip but Dr. Steinberg appears and puts a gun to Mark’s head. He is busy protecting the Shaft for some reason (either still wanting to experiment or trying to avoid blame) and the two fist fight for a bit. Military Mark gets his ass kicked by Science Steinberg and is about to be kicked down the shaft Sparta-style but Jennifer appears. She seems to have picked up Steinberg’s gun and now has the upper hand. The SWAT Team intervenes but Steinberg grabs Jennifer as a hostage, clearly labeling himself the villain. She fights her way free just before cables from the shaft grab Steinberg and pull him inside. One grabs Mark too, but he grabs his ‘stinger’ and fires it…while upside down in the clutches of the Shaft…directly at the Bio-chip. It a’splodes and the evil is thwarted. Dr. Steinberg wasn’t as fortunate as he was strangled by the cords before the Bio-chip was destroyed.

                The next scene shows Mark leaving the hospital (with no indication of how he explained the situation to the FBI) with Jennifer. The enter the elevator to leave the building but suddenly it stops! Turns out Mark just hit the emergency stop, locking them both in the elevator…alone. They kiss and the credits roll. The ending credit song ‘Love in an Elevator’ by Aerosmith should give you an idea of what happens next.

Chop Shop

Kill 1: Mr. Faith

Put a smile on that face!

A rather gropey-bastard. A blind one. A blind one with green hair. He simply walks to his death, falling from the 91^st floor. As a blind man, he doesn’t notice that there is no elevator in the shaft he walks into and gravity does the rest. His noble dog tries to pull him to safety, but Buster is not a large dog. The man’s weight dooms them both. I will say most films won’t kill off a blind man, but this one was justified by making Mr. Faith rather lecherous. Lechers always meet their faith…er, fate.

                Kill 1.5: Buster

Good dog. Very good dog. Fell down the same shaft as Mr. Faith, but his leash snagged on the way down. Poor thing got hung by his own leash. Unlike his master, Buster didn’t deserve this. This is one eeeeeevil elevator.

                Kill 2: Andy the Guard

Despite being a pervert, a slacker, and a bit of a thief, Andy had a bit of charm to him. He also was rather diligent when an actual problem came up on the job; too bad this cost him his head. After playing cat-and-mouse with a sadistic elevator (a sentence I never thought I would type) he managed to get his head caught in the doors of the shaft. The elevator slowly descends (despite the best efforts of Gary to pull him free) and separates his head from his neck. I like the acting quite a bit during this scene but the decapitation effects were slightly lacking. Having Gary vomit into his hat after witnessing his friend’s death was a nice touch.

                Kill 3: ‘Wipeout’

After causing several public disturbances, it was no surprise that the horror movie gods would punish this little punk. We get no time to learn anything about him other than his flair for racing and his disregard for public safety before he gets eaten by the Shaft. He is sucked up by some strange vacuum force before being launched out of the building. Ok…science time. It takes approximately a 130 mph wind to knock over a 160lb man (Wipeout probably isn’t heavier than that) and this force pulled him clear off his feet so it seems even stronger. In soviet Russia Shaft sucks you…these jokes need to stop. Anyway, after playing human cannonball he falls down 86 stories to land right in front of his friend ‘Dreds’. Personally I thought the blood splatter was a little lacking for a fall of that length.

                Kill 4: Jeff

While trying to destroy the evil of The Shaft, Jeff ran afoul of…something. We are in the dark on exactly how he died, but his body was rather cut up and bloody. He dropped into an elevator with Mr. Milligan suspended upside down looking rather discombobulated. Not much to say since this one happened off camera.

                Kill 5-16: People in an elevator

Several people of many ages and races board the elevator. There is at least 2 kids, a pizza guy, 3 women and many people less distinguishable. The elevator refuses to stop and it rockets up at unusually fast speed. Suddenly (and inexplicable) the floor opens up dropping the poor, frightened people. The way it open seemed like the floor was meant to drop (hinges could be seen) so either this elevator can re-design itself, or the elevator was built with serious design flaws. The elevator then jumps it’s shaft, and bursts through the roof, killing those who refused to fall.

                Kill 17: FBI minion

While trying to attack Mark, the Shaft sends a flaming elevator car at him. He dodges but Mr. FBI isn’t so lucky. Several FBI members scramble out of the shaft but the last guy doesn’t quite make the jump. He lands on the ledge but before he can pull his lower half up it meets several tons of flaming steel. An entertaining kill, but he was still just a faceless guard so it doesn’t really make you feel much.

                Kill 18: Dr. Gunther Steinberg

While trying to protect his mad science fair project, his baby turned on him. The killer elevator doesn’t distinguish between friend and foe. It grabbed him by the throat and dragged him to a satisfying end. The cord effects looked cheesey as hell, but the corpse of the Dr. was decently presented (like a marionette).

Overall Breakdown:

Total Kills: 18 (19 if you count Kowalski who died before the movie began) and 1 dog…plus several birds.

Kills by Impacts (either falling or hitting the roof): 9 (10 if the dog is counted)

Kills by Dismemberments: 2

Kills by Strangulations: 2 (3 if Kowalski is counted)

Monster Analyzer

Subject: The Shaft

A bio-chip that may be made out of people became self aware. Self-awareness made it cranky.

Powers: Ability to override button controls, able to activate when power is off, able to move cables to attack. Able to electrify or inflame a car. Control over airflow within elevator cars. Able to slice people with door. Able to use airflow to suck up and spit out people.

Also possesses the “Aura of Elevator Evil”. This aura is able to cause electrical interference that influences many devices. It can effect watches, flashlights, car alarms, car wipers, security cameras and dogs can sense it too. I am not sure where this aura came from or how it does what it does.

Conclusions:

There is just something about this movie that gets better every time you watch it. It possesses a decent sense of humor when it wants to be funny, but this movie suffers from trying to take itself seriously most of the time. I found it entertaining, but this movie is very bad. If you dislike ‘B’ movies stay very far away. Except from the Daycare scene. That shit was excellent.

One final question: What building really needs gold hand dryers?

Yellow Snow

                This edition of Slasher Studies is a special one. This is the first (of many, I hope) review request I shall be doing. Technically this is the second movie requested, but I had difficulty obtaining the other film. I will handle that request next time. This review is dedicated to my friend Mike who graciously suggested this…ahem, “glorious” film. Thanks for putting my household through this.

We are talking about this one...

...not this one. This one is scarier.

 Pleasantries aside, the movie this week is Jack Frost. To avoid confusion this is Jack Frost the 1996-97 horror-comedy, not the 1998 family-comedy starring Michael Keaton, although both were equally terrible. First off, yes; this is a movie about a killer snowman. A killer snowman, not the abominable Yeti kind, the 3 stacked snowballs kind. Carrot nose and all. A serial killer is genetically turned into a snowman and he seeks revenge on the man who caught him when he was a human. I really miss the 90’s…the “best” B-movies came out then. This film is owned by Ardustry Entertainment, but I don’t think they would admit that in public.

 

Summary

                The opening credit roll takes place while we get several dramatic shots of a Christmas tree. During this two voices give us exposition into the story so far in the form of “Uncle Harry” telling a little girl a “happy-scary story”. Uncle Harry sounds like a serial-killer-pedophile while the little girl sounds like a muppet. They explain Jack Frost, notorious serial killer’s history up until now. Jack racked up a body count of 38 before the film begins over 5 states before being caught. Apparently bits of people had begun turning up in some pies and this allowed the authorities to track him down. What they don’t emphasize is the fact that this means that Mr. Frost apparently worked in a bakery. Guess ol’ Jack got sick of muffins and it pushed him off the deep end. People don’t kill people, excessive baked goods kill people. Uncle Harry finishes up by letting the little girl know that Jack was on his way to be executed right now…but that the fun was just beginning. Dun Dun Dun!

Welcome to Christmas Hell.

                Elsewhere Jack frost is being transported to his execution. 2 men (one white, one black) drive the prison transport truck while Jack is in the back with another guard who has the voice of a country music star. They cross into the town of Snomonton. With a town like that it guarantees that either this is a Christmas movie or that it is forever winter here. The drivers use some clever dialog to let us know that it was in this town that Jack was caught by the local sheriff. Jack takes a moment to off the one guy guarding him as he readies his escape. Outside, a truck of a genetics company is headed towards our prison transport truck. This driver is distracted with getting himself a drink and the inevitable crash happens. This has to be one of the worst on screen motor vehicle collisions I have ever seen; it looks like they set the camera in a dryer spin-cycle.  When everything stops spinning the only survivor (other than out snowman-to-be) is the white prison transport driver. Both the black transport driver and the genetic trucker are killed in a truly uninteresting fashion. A fire has broken out, hinting that a chemical explosion is imminent. Our lone survivor is a real trooper, he is barely fazed by the death of his friends, his only concern is the killer in the back. He isn’t shocked or horrified; he seems tired and sore…like he just finished a rough workout rather than a horrible accident. He checks the back of the truck (even pausing to double check the ceiling) but his fears are confirmed: Jack Frost is free! Free…and right behind him. I will say that I like the human actor for Jack, he is devilishly charismatic and has a great stare…but this is the last of him. An explosion from the genetics truck sprays Jack with chemicals and he melts most graphically…while the Van Damme guard watches rather unimpressed. We see some hokey animation of his cells turning into snowflakes (???)before he begins to rise as a snow monster. The guard finally realizes he should be acting and freaks out, shooting the snow pile…this is going to be a long movie.

Just survived crash and serial killer is dissolving in acid after an explosion. Meh.

                We cut to our hero, the local sheriff who had caught Mr. Frost as he drives his home with his wife Anne, and son Ryan. Sheriff Sam Tiler is being comforted by Ann, her telling him that now that it is past midnight (the time of the execution…does anyone really do executions at midnight?) Jack Frost is really gone. He smiles, but immediately has a flashback to catching Jack (as he pissed buy the side of the road) and how Jack had sworn revenge on him, his family, his town, and anything else he could possibly swear revenge on. After he snaps out of this the car passes by the accident, but they don’t really learn anything because it is a ‘federal matter’. We see the Van Damme guard now traumatized (but you can’t tell the difference) as he repeats that “it ran away”. A mysterious agent approaches him and takes the witness away for a walk…

                The next morning, in the Tiler household, they have a touching after-school special moment while little Ryan cooks his father up some oatmeal (which looks toxic). He loads a plastic baddy full of it so his father can bring the sludge with him. Sheriff Sam heads off to work, stopping in briefly at the annual snowman building contest. Apparently this is the biggest thing in this town with how worked up most of the residents are. I gotta say…this is some of the worst fake snow I have seen outside of a department store. Most of the rest of the cast are briefly introduced here, but no one is all that important to the story (other than for body count). For sake of argument, we meet the, Jake Metzner, snowman obsessed, his promiscuous daughter Jill, his awkward wife Sally, his punk son Billy. We also meet Tommy Davrow, a nice, if pervy kid with the hots for Jill, and his father Paul, who owns the hardware store. He’s friendly, if a bit eccentric, always trying to cut a deal (20% off!). Sam finally gets to the station and greets his secretary, Marla. She politely informs him that somebody has died!

You don't say?

                The sheriff and his two deputies (Joe Foster and Chris Pullman) find the body of Old Man Harper in a rocking chair on the porch of his home on the outskirts of town. There was no sign of struggle, no tracks and no sign of robbery. A very strange death… a death that makes Sam immediately suspicious; Suspicious about Jack Frost (paranoid, but justified). He calls the FBI and speaks to our mysterious agent from last night. His name is Agent Manners, and he confirms that Jack Frost died in the accident last night. Feeling relieved, Sam continues investigating. Doc Peters examines the body, concluding that someone immensely strong killed him with one blow…someone that seemed to be wearing very soft mittens. Meanwhile, Agent Manners and is talking with a corporate guy (referred to later as Agent Stone), saying that the “acid” worked and that Jack Frost was on the loose. They now head out to stop him.

                While Sam is off having a busy day at the office, Anne Tiler is getting home (passing by a featureless snowman that just appeared in their yard). Young Ryan has been cooking again, so she sends him out to put a face on the mystery snowman so she can clean the kitchen. While he is working, local bully Billy Metzner shows up. He and his sled gang (we got us a bad ass over here) proceed to push the little kid around a bit. Personally, I think that beating up the sheriff’s son might be a poor life choice, but he has other worries. He displays how much of a tough guy he is by decapitating the mysterious snowman using his razor sharp sled. Not liking his treatment Jack Frost (did anyone not think it was him?) pushes Billy into the path of his friend’s sled which runs over his neck. Head is now separated from his body (and mysteriously airborne), and Ryan seems surprisingly not freaked out by severed heads.

Warning: Choking Hazard.

                That night, the Metzner family is handling their grief well. Sally wants to decorate the tree despite her son’s grim death, Jake yells at everything and everyone, and Jill is running off with her boyfriend. To each their own. Jake goes outside for a smoke, not even thinking twice on the snowman in his yard. The one that wasn’t there before; the same one from his son’s place of death. I guess these people are so used to snowmen springing up that they are completely desensitized to them. When he realizes he isn’t alone he grabs an axe but cannot find the intruder. Suddenly the snowman grabs the axe from his hand and…doesn’t use it like you’d expect. Instead of some good old fashion chopping, Jack shoves the axe handle down Jake’s throat. Well…that was…creative. Doc Peters later confirms that whatever did this was immensely powerful, as no man could shove the axe straight in like that. Conclusion: Jack is a very strong bastard.

                Inside, Sally is drinking tea and humming merrily to herself and…wait, didn’t her son just die? Would you hum Christmas songs if your child died that morning? What the actual fuck? That aside, Jack shows us one of his new powers: he can melt and re-freeze at will. He sneaks in under the door and reforms inside the house (he also appears to have put the lights on the tree just to troll Sally). He lures her over to the tree (melting and freezing his way around the room, but staying hidden) and suddenly appears behind her. He strangles her with Christmas lights, gags her with a  glass ornament, a smashes her face into a box of more glass ornaments before finally stringing her up to the tree. Yeah, death by Christmas decorations, this is only the second strangest kill in the film. Paul drops by to deliver the salt (failing to notice the body in the yard) and spots Jack finishing his kill. He panics and runs away more than a little overwhelmed with what he just saw.

                After the cops find the bodies, Sam goes to call the FBI only to find that Agent Manners and Agent Stone are already in his office. They claim to be after the man who killed Old Man Harper. They head to the Metzner place and tell us what we already know about Jack’s freezing and melting powers. Manners orders Sam to place a curfew into effect and informs him that a task force is on the way. He doesn’t mention the whole evil snowman part; Sam doesn’t need to know about that little detail. Sam and his deputies round up most of the town and have them hunker down in the church while the agents do their thing. A few people, notably Jill Metzner, are still missing. While Sam tries to calm everybody down, Paul Davrow riles them back up by destroying every snowman outside the church. Assuming he is drunk, Sam sends Deputy Foster to escort him to a jail cell to sleep it off while Deputy Pullman is sent to see what set him off.

"Fucker's a snowman!"

Seems Legit.

                Pullman is on his way when he nearly crashes into a snowman holding a stop sign in the middle of the road. Yep, Jack is at it again. Pullman leaves his car to get a shovel from his trunk. By the time he does Jack has melted…then reforms in Pullman’s police car. He backs over the deputy and drives off on his merry way.

 Back at the church we learn that Sam’s wife left to get blankets alone…we cut to her as a police car pulls up. Dun Dun Dun! Water begins leaking in from under the sink…but it turns out the the car was just Deputy Foster and the water was just a burst pipe. Being in no real danger, Foster escorts Anne back to the church. As they leave, Jill Metzner and Tommy Davrow sneak in. I guess sneaking into a sheriff’s house while a killer on the loose is their idea of fun. Well, it is Jill’s idea of fun, Tommy thinks this is a bad idea but Jill is hot so she wins. Once inside she insinuates that it will be sexy time and…wait…didn’t her little brother just get killed this morning? She seems to be taking it well. Anyway, she leads him along for a while (including the most ridiculous stripping scene set to x-mas music) but before she reveals anything she demands a fire and a bottle of wine. After that Madam Cockblock goes upstairs to blow dry her hair. Her hair didn’t even seem wet in the scene before…huh.

They see me rollin'...wait, I've done this joke before....

Snowman sex scene. Now you've seen everything.

                Back downstairs, Romeo is stealing a bottle of wine from the sheriff. Suddenly someone throws a snowball at the house. Tommy freaks out and grabs an ice pick to protect himself with. He is in a kitchen…yet can’t find a knife. Sigh, this guy has low survival skills. He opens the door and Jack punches him in the face. Tommy uses his ice pick on the snowman, but to no avail. Jack quickly disposes of him by…shooting icicles from his hands? Since when could he…oh, nevermind. Anyway, Tommy dies a virgin and Jill couldn’t hear the fight over the radio or her hairdryer. She finishes drying her hair and walks out into the hallway. She notices the bathroom door is open and that a hot bath has been prepared. She gets into the tub and…wait wait wait. She finishes drying her hair, THEN gets into the bath? So many times in this movie I have to ask “Why happening?” and yet I never get an answer. Anyway, she bathes for a while and…now, you may be wondering where the bath came from. It turns out Jack can heat up too. Yes, she is bathing in a serial killer. He freezes suddenly and thus proceeds one of the oddest sex scenes I have ever witnessed: Jill is raped to death by a snowman. Why happening?

                Back at the sheriff station Sam, Marla, Stone, and Agent Manners are trying to plan, as we learn that a freak snowstorm is cutting off Manners’ men, they won’t arrive in time. How utterly convenient. Also the sheriff’s station lacks weapons and Stone says that conventional weapons won’t work either. And here we thought that the situation was bad. Deputy Pullman’s car pulls up, but no one seems to be in it. While Sam investigates the car, Agent Manners opens his trunk to reveal a ‘Men in Black’ style arsenal. Jack appears trying to grab Marla, but a few shots from Manners knock him back. Frost reforms unhurt and begins to chase our heroes. They lock themselves in the Sheriff’s office but Frost melts and begins flowing under the door. Agent Manners shoots the puddle a few times before realizes it doesn’t work. Shooting a puddle…great plan. Sam holds him at bay with a hairdryer while everyone else runs away. Another great plan…wait a minute…that actually worked? Victory is short due to the dryer having a very short cord, but they have a plan now: Use heat! They lock themselves in the cell block and begin getting a bunch of aerosol, bug spray, and hair spray cans spraying to fill the area with flammable material. Stone flips out trying to stop them as he wants to take Jack back (he works for the genetic company) but Manners knocks some sense into him. The cell block now is effectively a bomb, so they try to escape out the back window. Unfortunately for them, this window is equipped with a padlock. Now with two employees of this facility present, you’d think one of them would remember this little hurdle. Nope, but at least they know where the key is…on the key ring they left in the door. The door which the killer snowman is pouring through. Sam runs…er, walks slowly back to get it. The place is filling with toxic fumes, a killer snowman is coming and Sam doesn’t seem to feel the need to hustle a bit. He acts like he needs to sneak up on the door or something. He gives Jack just enough time to make a grab for him, but he gets the keys. Now he decides to hurry back to the escape route. The sheriff did forget one thing though: Paul is still locked in a cell. Considering you were about to incinerate the area, you might want to remember your buddy is trapped here. He fumbles with the keys, forgetting which key actually opens the cell. Who appointed this guy sheriff? I don’t think he could handle being a dog catcher.

I was this confused by this film's logic too.

                Anyway, everybody escapes out the window and Agent Manners shoots through that same window which causes the building to explode. Jack is melted and the movie ends happily. Or rather I wish it just ended there. We got twenty minutes to go. Jack just reforms, making dumb jokes as usual. Everyone takes cover in the church (other than Marla who runs off with Deputy Foster for what he assumes is sexy time) and our team regroups. Sam demands a plot exposition from Stone and the rest of the back story is made clear(ish). Stone is a scientist working to ensure our survival in case of a doomsday scenario. He made an acid that “would bond our genetic helix to an inert material”. Or simply an acid that fuses us with whatever it touches. So we could be resurrected, but it worked better than he planned. Rather than storing his DNA, it bonded differently, causing him to re-animate rather than be stored. This “proves” that the human soul is a chemical that can be transferred. Is that clear now?

The Magnificent 5.

Time to kick ass...the manly way.

They come up with a new plan to force Jack into the furnace in the church basement, the hope being that the sustained heat could permanently break him down. Everyone stands outside, ready for an old west-type showdown, but Jack appears in the form of a giant boulder and scatters them like pins. Now inside the church, the real fight begins…with hairdryers. Again with the hairdryers, just get the sheriff a Sham-wow. This time, equipped with hundreds of extension cords they force him down into the furnace. He melts, seemingly for good.

                The townies head upstairs to begin getting their lives back, while Agent Manners and Stone take a final look at the furnace. It is a final look, because neither of them survives much longer. Jack escapes the furnace as steam, then refreezes himself, this time with a giant maw filled with icicle fangs. He quickly bites Agent Manners’ face off, but he has other plans for Stone. Jack hi-Jacks (aha!) his body and tries to get close to Sam. Sam, currently with his son, is none the wiser. He loads Ryan into the squad car, but then approaches Stone, who is walking really funny. Unable to pilot the body very well, Jack abandons this plan pretty quick, having Stone throw up his snowy body (which looks like marshmallows here). Sam joins his son in the car to escape, but seems to have lost his keys. I repeat, why is this man sheriff? Jack melts and gets inside the car, also locking the doors. Sam kicks out a window so his son can escape then shoves the bag of oatmeal from the beginning of the movie into his face. Did you forget about the baggy? Turns out it was important, as the oats horribly burn the mutant snowman. When asked, Ryan admits that he put anti-freeze into them so they wouldn’t get cold. Yes, the killer snowman’s weakness is anti-freeze.

                Paul arrives (running down Jack) and is quickly sent to back to his hardware store to load up on anti-freeze. Now that I think of it, no one has noticed that Paul’s son died some time ago…he will be in for a rude shock once the film ends. Sam ducks into an apartment building to distract Mr. Frost while Paul does his errand. Sam leads him to the second story of a nearby building and after getting a signal from Paul, dives out the window with the snowman. They land in the anti-freeze filled bed of Paul’s pickup truck. Jack gets a chemical bath but one of his arms escapes and grabs little Ryan. Sam quickly gets a hold of him and baptizes his son in anti-freeze. To ensure that he is really gone, they bottle up all the anti-freeze and bury the bottles. That ought to hold him. However, the last shots of the film are of the bottles glowing as something is bubbling inside them…

               

Chop Shop

                Kill 1: Harv, country music sensation

Harv gets all of one line in this movie before he meets his end. While transporting the still human Jack Frost he must have drawn the short straw as he had to ride with the prisoner. Jack, wanting a cigarette, takes one from Harv…by knocking him to the ground and stepping on his throat (then he puts out his cigarette on poor Harv). Simple and to the point, there is nothing special here.

                Kill 2 & 3: Unnamed Black Guard & Nameless Genetic Trucker

Both of these die rather unspectacularly in the crash that creates the killer snowman. They are the blandest kind of fodder, not even getting to be killed by the title villain.

                Kill 4: Old Man Abraham Harper

Jack Frost snuck up behind him and broke his neck. Now, this all happened off camera and we are left with the cops trying to figure out the strange corpse the next morning. I have a question: When was the old guy killed? Frost became a snowman at midnight and this is around noon the next day. Was the old man in his rocker at 2 a.m.? For him to be frozen like he was (assuming Jack didn’t do anything to ice him) he had to have been out for some time…I guess Old Man Harper was a moonlight rocker.

                Kill 5: Billy Metzner, local hooligan

He messed with the wrong snowman…how often can you say that? Jack pushes him in front of an oncoming sled. Now this sled seems to have katana blades for rails, and it cuts his head clean off. Very clean off, as in there is very little blood for a severed head. Not to mention that for some reason the head goes flying after it is parted from its neck. I guess his head must have been full of helium…or maybe his head was made of super-ball.

                Kill 6: Jake Metzner

While having a grief-induced smoke outside, Jake meets his demise at the wrong end of an axe. He meets it at the literal wrong end…the handle is what kills him, not the blade. Jack shoves the axe handle completely down his throat. I appreciate the unique use of weapon…but it is defiantly an odd kill. Not even near the oddest by this movie’s standards though.

                Kill 7: Sally Metzner

Jack really takes an unusual route while dispatching Sally. After politely hooking up her Christmas lights for her (she was just so happy) he strangles her with them. Then he shoves an ornament in her mouth to silence her before introducing her face to a box of very breakable, glass ornaments. Ahem, her face meets the box twice, then she is tied to the tree with popcorn garland and he add a star to her head. I guess the killer snowman has a soft spot for Christmas. ‘Tis the season.

                Kill 8: Deputy Chris Pullman

Jack shows more of his sense of humor, preferring to troll his victims before killing them. Appearing as a snowman holding a stop sign, he forces Pullman to leave his car. Pullman grabs a shovel and returns to the front of his vehicle…to find Jack already melted. A bit freaked out, he mumbles that he ‘heard about things like this happening…”as he replaces his shovel. He shuts the trunk and then spots the evil snowman in his car. He is backed over before he can react. No real complaints or comments.

                Kill 9: Tommy Davrow

Casanova here was killed by flying icicles while he was trying to get into Jill’s pants. After attacking Jack fruitlessly with an ice pick, Tommy was shot in the shoulder with such force that he went flying backward. The icicle pinned him to a wall, while Jack lined up another shot. This one went clear through his forehead. Guess he was the one who got penetrated…

                Kill 10: Jill Metzner

Jack must really have it in for the whole Metzner family. He takes out all of them. Ok let’s get this one over with. Jill is busy providing fan-service when suddenly her bath begins to get a little cold. A carrot bumps against her leg just before the whole tub freezes over. Jack appears, but his carrot nose is strangely absent…I don’t even want to assume where it is. Anyway the short version is that he sexes her to death. Not much else I can really say here. This may be the oddest death I have seen in a horror film.

                Kill 11: Agent “Bad” Manners

After a seeming victory, Manners lets his guard slip too early. Jack gets the drop on him and shreds his face with an icicle kiss. Very quick kill, cheesy effects on Jack, but decent blood effects on Manners.

                Kill 12: Stone

After Manners’ death, Stone is left to face Jack alone, but Jack rather than simply killing him, enters his body (unsure how, don’t wanna know) and freezes him from the inside. He then uses the corpse like a man-suite to get closer to Sheriff Sam Tiler. The actual death is off screen.

Overall Breakdown

Total Kills: 12

Kills by Killer Snowman: 10

Kills by reckless driving: 2

Lesson of the day: Be careful on slippery highways or you might unleash a super-powered murderer.

Monster Analyzer:

Subject: Jack Frost, Killer Snowman

Like a Frost.

A serial killer exposed to poorly described acidic chemicals becomes a snowman with homicidal tendencies. Jack has a warped sense of humor and a taste for puns and one-liners.

Powers: Effectively immortal. Can met or freeze at will, as well as able to adjust his own temperature. Can reattach severed limbs or move them independently. Able to alter his shape as he pleases. Can grow and launch sharp icicles. Can posses corpses, albeit poorly.

Weaknesses: Can be herded by sources of heat. Severe reaction to anti-freeze.

Conclusions:

This movie is terrible, but can be quite an enjoyable watch. If you are in the mood for a “so-bad-it-is-good” film, this is one of the best. It was very creative overall and several points did have me laughing out loud. Not scary in the slightest, but it was fairly entertaining.

Friday the Sequel

With the sheer amount of sequels horror movies churn out, it was only a matter of time before I got around to reviewing one. I figured my own review “Friday the 1^st” was one of my better written blogs, so I thought it deserved a sequel itself. So I present the review of Friday the 13^th Part 2! It is my full intention to never review a sequel out of order, but that said be warned: I do intend to eventually review the entire ‘Friday’ series. At 11 Movies and 1 cross-over, this will take some time, but I do intend to space them out. This film is owned by Paramount.

Summary

                We open on a mysterious figure walking down the street. The familiar “Chh chh chh ahh ahh ahh” noise is heard…now, let us discuss this noise phenomenon. It was prevalent throughout the first movie (despite me not discussing it much) whenever the killer was near or while looking through the killer’s eyes. First off WHAT is the noise? I have heard many theories, such as it is the killer’s “breathing” but anyone taking such short ragged gasps would be hard presses to stalk anyone. Some suggest that the sounds are words (get get get…out out out, kill kill kill) which you can hear if you try, but seeing as the killer’s are different between the two movies, them having the exact same noise/voice is a stretch. Sounds delightfully creepy and the noise itself is a horror classic…but I really don’t know what it is supposed to mean. According to what I could research, it is supposed to be “ki ki ki…ma ma ma” based on the lines “kill her mommy” from the original, but I just don’t hear that. You be the judge. Ch Ch Ch Ah Ah Ah

                Anyway, sound effects aside, we reveal Alice Hardy (she seems to have grown a last name between the films), the  only survivor of the incident at Camp Crystal Lake. For those who are trying to keep their events straight, it has been two months since the last movie. She is sleeping on her bed (rather than in it) an is either having an orgasm, a nightmare, or both. In truth, she is having a flashback. A rather long flashback. We spend almost six minutes recounting the final scenes of the last movie. Flashbacks huh? I can do that too. This is a Flashback She suddenly awakens rather startled, then her phone rings. After talking to her mother she decides to take a shower. I don’t know what the record is for earliest shower scene (I know Scream has a really early one) but this is up there being within the 10 minute mark. It does hold the record for quickest shower scene, barely lasting 15 seconds (no, you don’t see her, you perverts). She once again demonstrates her ability to sense impending phone calls by stopping her shower early, the phone ringing a second later. This time there is no one on the other end. DUN DUN DUN! Alice, showing that survivability that got her through the last film locks her door and begins checking the windows. She does find one ominously open, but she at least is armed with an ice pick while inspecting it. Satisfied that no one is here, she forgets her shower and begins to boil water for coffee/tea. She opens the fridge and suddenly severed head. By that I mean there is the severed head of Mrs. Voorhees in the fridge. She screams, but has little time to think as someone grabs her from behind and shoves that ice pick through her temple vein. The killer is at least courteous enough to remove the boiling kettle from the stove on his way out. Clearly we are dealing with a Gentleman Killer.

I think my grandfather has that hat...

                The opening credits roll and suddenly it is five years later. With no incidents in the area for so long, an ambitious lad has decided to open a training center for camp counselors on the very same lake as all the murders. Let us just hope that the lessons include Survival 101 and How to Fend Off Murderers. We begin with Sandra Dier (a busty, bushy-haired girl with too much nerve) and Jeff (a blonde pussy-whipped man with the most 80's hat ever) arriving in the town near Camp Crystal Lake. After a brief run in with our favorite Doom Predictin’ Messenger from God (yes, Ralph is back!) they get ahold of their friend Ted. Ted (a ginger prankster who’s voice reminded me of Yogi Bear) directs them to the camp. Despite an ominous tree left in the middle of the road, they all reach camp safely. Please note, if you believe you are in a horror film, never ever cross over a ominous tree that blocks the road. Someone is trying to keep you away…for good reason.

Terry. For sexy time.

                At the camp we are quickly treated to a semi-roll call where they conveniently only list important characters. We meet Paul Holt (the annoying man who runs the place), Terry (a girl with a dog who exists only for sex appeal), Mark ( a wheel-chair bound strong man), Vicki (a girl with the hots for wheelchair bound men), and Scott (an obnoxious prankster who is stalking Terry). Arriving late to the meeting (to Paul’s annoyance) is Ginny Field, his girlfriend (a perky blonde child psychologist). After meeting this cast I feel that I have learned something from this movie already; Girls in the 80’s never wore bras. Life lessons.

                Once night falls, Paul begins telling ghost stories around the campfire. In particular, he tells the legend of Jason. A boy who grew up wild after everyone thought he drowned. After witnessing his mother’s death he went crazy and to this day he will kill anyone who enters his camp ground. Ted then jumps out with a spear and scares everybody. Good times. The tales of Camp Blood get Sandra all hot and bothered to check it out, but Jeff isn’t so interested. After the fire breaks up everyone parties in the cabin. Paul loses to Ginny in chess, Sandra and Jeff dance, Mark arm wrestles men while Vicki fawns over him, Ted plays video games, and Scott strikes out with Terry (and her dog). Eventually Ginny returns to her cabin (followed by Paul for Sexy-time), where they are watched ominously by…Ralph? What you doin’, you creeper? However, Ralph ‘watching over them’ was in vain for he forgot to watch out for himself. Someone (Jason, if you didn’t assume by now) behind a tree catches poor Ralph with a barbed-wire garrote across his neck. Ralph, the messenger of God, has gone to a better place.

Camp. Still Serious Business.

                The next day after completing several training exercise (all the while being followed by the echoing “Ki ki ki” noises) the group goes for a swim in the lake. Everybody but Jeff and Sandra, anyway. Sandra is still determined to see Camp Blood, despite Jeff’s protests. Finally, he gives in and follows her boobs to the neighboring camp. Thankfully for them, all they find is a mutilated animal and local law enforcement. Officer Winslow escorts them back to camp and yells at Paul for a while before taking off. This isn’t the end of Officer Winslow however, he lasts five more minute. After seeing ‘someone’ run into Camp Crystal Lake, he chases after them. He is pretty spry for an old fat man. He chases the man into a strange shack in the woods. While exploring the shack, he takes a hammer to the back of the head after finding something disturbing…something we don’t get to see yet.

Screaming into the camera. Always helps.

                Back at the other camp, Paul is taking most of the crew out for a night on the town. Himself, Ginny, Ted and all the extras leave  camp, leaving all the other named characters behind. Terry separates from the group to continue her role as ‘primary fan-service agent’. She heads to the lake for a late night skinny dip. After some gratuitous nudity Scott steals her clothes, forcing her to chase after him. However he runs straight into a trap, causing him to hang upside down by his leg. Terry goes to find something to cut the pervert down with, but arrives too late. Jason slits Scott’s throat with a machete while he hangs there. Terry returns to cut him down (with a dinky pocket knife) but is most startled to find him rather dead. She breaks into a screaming fit, before turning and screaming into the camera. Apparently Jason was that way and he silences her…but we don’t get to see it. We do see her body turn up later, but no evidence on how she died.

Since when does the Oliver Twist look get you laid?

                Meanwhile, at the bar Ginny gives her psychological profile on Jason while everyone laughs at her. Funny how accurate she is. Back with our other illustrious counselors, two things are happening. Jeff and Sandra are having sex, and Vicki and Mark are getting ready to have sex. Everyone has their hobbies…or the same hobby really. Well, details, I suppose. Upstairs Jeff seduces Sandra with a harmonica (shrug) and they begin doing their thing; downstairs Vicki leaves to prepare for sexin’ with the wheelchair-bound Mark. It begins to rain, as is traditional when murder is happening at Crystal Lake. Thinking he hears Vicki, Mark goes outside to investigate but is caught off guard by someone lobbing a machete into his face. That’s right. Jason throws a bladed weapon at the guy in a wheelchair. Overkill much?

                As Mark is busy dying, Jeff and Sandra just finish up their sex. We finally get half a look at Jason (all we see is a big man in overalls so far) as he grabs a spear and ascends the stairs to reach the bedroom. He slips into the room and…I think you can guess where this is going. They get skewered together while he is still on top of her. Back at the bar Paul and Ginny decide to head back while Ted and the extras decide to party on.

                While they are en route, Vicki arrives back at the cabin hoping for hot wheelchair sex. Finding no one around she goes upstairs to check on Jeff and Sandra. It looks as though they are asleep in bed, so Vicki pulls back the covers to reveal Sandra’s corpse…in bed with a knife-wielding killer. Jason is sporting a burlap flour sack over his face with a single eyehole (hockey-mask doesn’t appear until part 3) and…wait wait wait…back that up. Jason was laying in bed with a dead naked lady…and everyone is…okay with that? Jason lonely…ahem. Jason slashes Vicki in the leg, then quickly makes a second stab in the stomach.

Oh hai thar.

                With no one left alive in camp, our attention returns to Paul and Ginny as they arrive. Cavalry seems to be a bit late. They quickly realize something is wrong when they find no one around (the bloody sheets are a good give-away too). They slowly search of an explanation which they finally receive when Jason tries to spear Paul. They struggle a bit before Jason chokes Paul into unconscious land. Ginny runs for her life as Jason chases her with a pitchfork. Yeah, no idea where he found that. Ginny makes it to her car but, like any car in this situation, it refuses to start. She knocks big Jay over with her car door than runs unseen into a cabin where she hides under the bed. Seriously, girl? Under the bed? Every killer always looks there! Jason enters and looks around…but somehow misses her under the bed. Unbelievable. More unbelievable is what happens next; a mouse appears and walks up to Ginny. And the mouse being this close to her face causes her to piss herself. Our heroine, ladies and gentlemen. Maniac? Okay. Dead friends? Alright. Mouse in face? Dam breaks now. Whut. Anyway, Jason notices…liquid coming from under the bed and well, he finds her.

                This time she goes on the offensive! She dodges his pitchfork and pulls a chainsaw from the closet. Yep. Chainsaw. To be fair, we saw someone put it there earlier so it wasn’t as random as Jason’s pitchfork. She cuts him in the arm before breaking her chainsaw, but manages to break a chair over him too.  Thinking him dead (why?), she flees into the woods. She somehow (no idea how; just magic, I guess) she finds Jason’s home. Also Jason followed her here, not being as dead or unconscious as Ginny hoped. She bars the door and looks for a place to hide. She finds no hiding spot, but instead finds a pile of bodies and the shrine to the mummified head of Jason’s mother. Note that this doesn’t make her pee either. She gets the brilliant idea of using her child psychology on Jason just as he breaks in with a pickaxe...no idea where he got that either. She puts on Mrs. Voorhees’ sweater and pretends to be his mother (calling him by his name and saying things like ‘mommy is proud’). Jason is mentally unstable enough for this to work and she almost tricks him into letting her kill him with a machete but he figures it out just before she can.

                Jason gives her leg a nasty gash with his pickaxe , but then Paul rushes in to the rescue! Wait…how did he find the little shack in the woods? Did he just randomly get lucky or did he follow his hormones to his woman? Unsure. Anyway, he renews his battle with Jason. He fairs about as well as last time, but this time Ginny goes in for the slow-motion kill. She buries the machete about six inches into his neck/shoulder. He falls over, hopefully dead. Ginny unmasks him, but the camera doesn’t show his face. They return to a cabin to bandage Ginny up, but are interrupted when Jason bursts through a window and grabs her. His face is a cross between unshaved hillbilly on his left, and bald deformed baby on his right. The camera cuts away and Ginny awakens the next morning to an ambulance. Jason is nowhere to be seen…but Paul is gone too. The end.

Chop Shop

Kill 1: Alice Hardy

Good job surviving the first movie, Alice! Too bad you don’t escape the opening scene of the sequel. There isn’t too much she could have done to save herself really…you can’t account for large men sneaking into your house out of the blue. Jason snuck up on her and shoved an ice pick through her skull. Simple, yet effective.

Kill 2: Ralph, the Messenger of God

Another survivor from the first movie, Jason seems to be cleaning up after his mother. Ralph is strangled with barbed wire…not a pleasant looking way to go. I’m really going to miss him.

Kill 3: Officer Winslow

Rawr!

After having the biggest workout the chubby officer seems to have in a while he arrives at Jason’s house in the woods. He doesn’t stay long before getting ‘nailed’. I suppose it is more accurate to say he was hammered…to the back of his head…with the claw end. His face was pretty good here.

Kill 4: Scott the Pervert

While just hanging around after sexually harassing Terry (can’t blame him. She is so blatant she is on the verge of harassing herself throughout the movie) he happens to meet a nasty fate. First he stepping into a snare trap which hoisted him into the air, upside down, then he was left alone to hang. Jason, never one to pass by opportunity, walks up behind him and lightly drags his machete across Scott’s neck.

Kill 5: Terry the Sex

Terry spent half the movie walking around with only half a shirt and hot pants before stripping down and swimming naked. It was only a matter of time before she was killed in an older horror movie. Her death, however, only entails her screaming into the camera. This series is having a disappointing number of off screen deaths.

Kill 6: Mark and his chair

Mark, hoping for some Vicki-sex goes outside to look for her. The suddenly he has a knife in his face. Ok. Fine, but do you really need to throw something at a wheelchair-bound man? Can’t you just walk up to him? Sure he was a strong guy, but it isn’t like he can roll away easily at a camp ground. Was it too much effort to walk over to him that you had to throw a machete at him? Sheesh.

Kill 7 & 8: Sandra Dier and Jeff

This kill entertains me. It really does. Poetic, really. After a rigorous bout of sex, Jeff lays in afterglow on Sandra. Jason slips into the room with a spear and penetrates them both…symbolism? Perhaps so. Favorite kill of the movie.

Kill 9: Vicki the one with the Wheelchair fetish

A simple straightforward death for a simple straightforward girl. Two slashes with a knife and she is down for the count. Nothing to write home about, but much better than another off-camera kill.

Kill 10: Paul Holt

Was unsure whether to count this or not. Paul is gone when Ginny awakens, probably died saving her. The film crew confirmed he is dead, but no idea on how it happened. Another off camera kill.

Overall Breakdown

Total Kills: 10 (all by Jason see below for specifics)

Creature Analysis

This ‘creature’ analysis is a bit different. Since Jason grows stronger and more supernatural as the series progresses, this will need to be updated each movie. These are his current standings. Also I’ll list his total body count as well as how many times he uses each bit of hardware.

Subject: Jason Voorhees

Powers: Great strength, amazing stamina, able to hide in wooded areas, ability to wield any piece of hardware.

Weakness: Easily confused. Definitely a momma’s boy.

Jason Voorhees is a very stealthy for a man of his size and is very hard to beat in an upfront fight. He is proficient with a wide variety of weaponry and has a nasty tendency to always get back up. He seems very resistant to pain as well. While not the brightest murderer, his tenacity and unpredictability usually see him through.

Kill Tally:

Barbed Wire-1

Hammer-1

Ice Pick- 1

Knife-1

Machete-2

Pickaxe-0

Pitchfork-o

Spear-1

Unknown-2

TOTAL VICTIMS- 10

Conclusion:

While the ‘Friday’ series isn’t the most artful, they are a fun look back at horror movies of the past. Jason is an enjoyable villain and the over-the-top nature of the kills (and killer) make the film rather than detract. While not cinema gold, I find this movie entertaining to watch.

Thank you all for reading and please recall that I do requests for reviews also. E-mail them to Cyberchicken@live.com . 

Good day.