I chose Friday the 13th as my first review as it is one of the most iconic horror movies out there. It may not have been the first slasher flick, but it did set several standards for the genre. It also gives me several sequels to play with later too. This movie is owned by Paramount Pictures, not by me. Ahem. Anyway, away we go.
Summary
The film begins setting the scene in 1958. After being serenaded by several classic camp songs two counselors sneak off to do what counselors do best in movies. Sex. The two kids as far as I could tell had no names, but Wikipedia is trying to convince me that they were “Barry” and “Claudette”. We’ll just go with that for now. After some brief dialog with “Barry” and “Claudette” pretending to be real characters they begin to try to get down to business before being done in by a mystery assailant. I say “done in” rather than “killed off” due to how vaguely they were killed. “Barry” gets hit in the stomach by a mystery weapon and the camera cuts to the title before “Claudette” is actually struck.
After some catchy title music the subtitles inform us that it is now “present day”. By the time of this blog that would be about 53 years…my, the characters certainly have aged well! To give the director the benefit of the doubt we’ll call the year 1980 then. We meet Annie who is trying to get to Camp Crystal Lake. After failing to get decent directions from the local dog, she tries some local…locals who are helpful, if a bit ominous. We also meet Ralph. Ralph has to be one of the best “crazy old man” characters of all time. Not only does he give vague warnings, but is a self-proclaimed messenger of God and rides a bicycle. That bike makes him look very credible.
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| You're all doomed! |
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| Seems Legit |
Annie gets a ride most of the way to the camp by a friendly if slightly rude truck driver. He informs our dear Annie about all the goings on at the camp they are trying to re-open. He mentions a boy who drowned in 1957 (dun dun duuuun!), two counselors murdered in ’58 (so they DID die…) then mentions several fires and that in ’62 the water was bad (how the Hell did she swing that one?) Seems Mrs. Voorhees has been kept rather busy. She gets dropped off right in front of…a cemetery? Really? They don’t say anything about it, or call any attention to it, but it is a cemetery that she is dropped off at. It took over 5 viewings before I ever noticed that…anyway she gets picked up by another friendly local (My my, aren’t these people helpful!)and rides for a while before realizing that something is afoul. She dives out of the Jeep before being chased through the woods and slain. I will give credit to the actress. Her begging for her life was…unsettling.
While all this has been going on Jack Burrell (played by a very young Kevin Bacon), Marcie Janson (last name unclear), and Ned Ruebenstien (the last names of these three were tricky to track down) all arrive at camp. They meet Steve Christy, their boss, who introduces them to Alice (last nameless), Brenda (also sans surname) and Bill (and again). The pause briefly to wonder why Annie hasn’t arrived yet before beginning to set about work. Alice and Steve are revealed to have some sort of awkward relationship issues that are never revisited, while Brenda (or Marcie, they kinda look alike) and Ned do some foreshadowing on the archery range. Steve leaves to run errands, and while the boss is away the counselors will play. They relax dockside and have themselves a nice swim…while someone watches from the shadows. If you look really closely you can see a large ring in the left hand of the onlooker…possibly revealing a bit before it was intended. Ned pretends to down and fun is had.
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| Camp. Serious Business. |
Various scenes of camp set-up work are shown. Bill becomes Mighty Hunter and kills a snake in the girls cabin, while Ned takes off his shirt, wears some feathers and dances like a native American until the cops show up. I am not kidding, his dance was one of my favorite parts of the movie. The asshole cop (and I mean asshole) warns them to leave before telling them that Crazy Ralph was seen heading this way…setting the stage for Ralph to pop out of a closet to dispense his ever ignored warnings…before peddling away on that bike. I love you Ralph.Marcie describes dreams that would cause most therapists to fear for their safety, but her boyfriend Jack seems pretty cool about it. After talking, it begins to rain and they do what any people would do in this situation. Go have sex. No wonder Jack wasn’t concerned with her dreams…he knew this was coming! I should comment that Ned was seen going into the cabin to investigate before his friends came in for the Sex therapy session, but he never came back out. Apparently they didn’t notice the dead body in the bunk above where they were fornicating. Easy miss really.
While this display of libido is going one, the other counselors are…having their own display of libido. They decide to pass the time with a friendly game of Strip Monopoly…does anyone have rules for this? Anyway Brenda, Alice, and Bill begin the game. Brenda announces that she rolled double sixes and Bill claims she must be cheating. Aaaaand she is. The dice actually land on 3…maybe 4, the screen was a tad blurry. Back with Libido scene 1, Jack and Marcie finish up and Marcie romantically informs Jack that she has to pee. She leaves and Jack doesn’t last long in the cabin alone…well…not technically alone. His throat is quickly cut. Marcie does her business and washes her hands (good hygiene is a must!) before thinking she is being watched. She looks around but finds nothing…until someone puts an axe in her face. Her death scream/defensive pose was…bad. Just bad. Ignoring the dated effects for this movie is easy…but her acting here was just bad.
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| This is how NOT to save your life. |
The Stripopoly game lets out early when Brenda finally notices that it is raining. She goes to close up her cabin and go to bed. She visit the same bathroom Marcie was in to brush her teeth (these characters have some of the best hygiene habits). She gets into bed only to leave right away again to follow cries for help. It sounds like a little boy. She runs through the darkness before making it to the archery range. All the lights come on and then…we don’t know. Nothing of her fate is shown for quite a while, although Alice mentions hearing a scream. About now Steve decides that he should head back to camp. He finished up at the diner; which is run by Sandy ,the most stereotypical diner matron ever.
He makes it part way before needing to enlist a ride from the police. After that ride falls through he walks back to camp, only to find someone near the entrance. He reveals that he knows the mystery assailant before dying (or being punched in the stomach, it was hard to tell). By now Alice and Bill begin getting suspicious that they haven’t seen anybody for a while and begin looking around. They puzzle over a bloody axe in Brenda’s bed before writing it off as strange. They also notice that the phone is out and that the cars aren’t working. They decide it is all coincidence and that they will probably laugh about it in the morning. Murder is funny like that.
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| Nope. Nothing wrong here. |
Then the power goes off (again, writing it off as normal) and Bill goes to fix it. He tries without much success. Alice wakes up from a nightmare saying Bill’s name. This should be a clear indication that he must have died in there somewhere because the next time we see him he is hanging from a door by arrows. Alice finds this body while investigating. She runs back to the communal cabin in a blind panic and barricades the door. She fortifies the front room great, but neglects to secure anything in the other room. She arms herself with a baseball bat and a fork…both of which she drops when a body is thrown through an unfortified window. So THAT is where Brenda got to! She runs out of the room and into the fortified room…which she unfortifies as soon as she sees a car pull up. She believes that Steve has returned (and is still alive) but instead is greeted by a friendly lady who introduces herself as Mrs. Voorhees. This lady has a voice that reminds me very much of Ursula the Sea Witch.
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| You know... |
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| ...I do see a resemblance. |
Anyway, Mrs. Voorhees tries to calm a panicking Alice by going to investigate. She seems nice and helpful…until she brings up the subject of Jason, her son that drowned here back in ’57…and who’s birthday is arbitrarily on Friday the 13th! (Dun dun duuun!) She pulls a knife on Alice while speaking in a creepy little boy voice (Kill her, Mommy, kill her!) Alice beats off the older woman and flees. Alice 1, Voorhees 0.
Alice runs out to Mrs. Voorhees’ car, only to discover Annie’s body in it. She runs a few feet only to have Steve’s body fall convieniently out of the tree in front of her (The knife in his chest confirms stabbery). She tries to be smart and get a gun, but cannot get at any ammo so she resorts to throwing random objects at her attacker. Mrs. Voorhees starts up a catfight with Alice only to wind up getting cuntpunched. Alice 2 , Voorhees 0.
After running and hiding again, Alice winds up in a closet (The doorknob slowly turning when Alice thought she was safe was very nicely executed). Voorhees finds the door locked, but isn’t concerned; she brought an axe. After Mrs. Voorhees does her “Heeeere’s Johnny!” impression she takes a frying pan to the face, apparently knocked out or killed. This brings the score to Alice 3, Voorhees 0.
Our heroine heads towards the docks to ready a boat to flee this place. She takes her time, thinking her attacker dead…until she shows up with a machete. In oar vs. machete, machete wins, but both weapons get knocked aside. The two woman wrassle for a bit before Alice gets tired of all this murder and grabs the machete herself and decapitates Mrs. Voorhees in epic slow-motion. Final score stands at Alice 4, Voorhees 0.
As she drifts off in a canoe, Alice seems to have calmed down. Peaceful music plays and by morning a rescue is in sight. All is well…until a corpse-like boy leaps out of the lake and drags the poor girl under. What a weekend she’s been having. She wakes up in a hospital bed, asking if anyone else made it. After learning the horrible truth she asks about the boy…but no one has any idea what she is talking about. “Then he is still there…” are the ominous words we part on.
Chop Shop
Kill 1 & 2: “Barry” & “Claudette”
Since I don’t really believe these two have names, they get summarized together. This kill scene has little to offer even with two bodies. As we look through the eyes of the killer we can’t tell what actually happens to “Barry”. I think he was supposed to be stabbed, but he could have just as well been pushed aside, or kicked in the balls. “Claudette” on the other hand gets even less. The camera cuts away as she is approached by the killer. We only can confirm these two as kills from later dialog. Rather…unsatisfying. A shame since “Claudette’s” acting is pretty good.
Kill 3: Annie
Poor Annie. For being a naïve counselor she seemed like a nice girl. Really friendly and apparently good with kids. After hitchhiking with the killer, she realizes something isn’t right when the driver misses her stop…and won’t stop…or slow down. She bails from the moving Jeep and runs off into the woods. After running from an unseen presence she finally backs into the killer. She falls to her knees and begs for her life. This scene was actually fairly unsettling, between Annie’s quality acting and how sweet her character seemed to be. Her throat is slit by the killer, who then apparently takes her body to the Jeep and begins riding around with it, as it is still in the Jeep at the climax.
Bonus Kill: Snake
A defenseless forest snake made its home in a cabin until being disturbed by Alice. Everyone rushed in at the girl’s screams and the snake hides under a bed. After breaking several items in the mad scramble to find the snake, Bill hacks it to pieces with a machete. Murderer.
Kill 4: Ned
A shame that Ned died off so early. His character’s antics were enjoyable to watch. After wandering off to investigate some movement in an empty cabin he meets his end off camera. A great character that doesn’t even get an on screen death. He appears to only be missing until his friends are revealed to be fucking beneath his corpse. His body is never even found by the other characters! He is revealed to have had his throat slit.
Kill 5: Kevin Bacon…er…Jack
While basking in the afterglow of sex with Marcie (basking beneath his buddy’s corpse, I might add), he is killed by someone beneath the bed. He never even realized he was in any danger until a hand grabbed his head and a knife crossed his neck. This kill, while excellently filmed and unnerving, raises a few questions. How did Mrs. Voorhees get under the bed to kill him? If she had been walking around Jack would have noticed. She apparently never left that cabin after killing Ned. Does this mean she was under there the whole time?! WHILE THEY WERE HAVING SEX?! Mrs. Voorhees…you creepy.
Kill 6: Marcie
After doing her post-sex pee, Marcie feels like she is being watched. After examining the bathroom and showers she concludes that she is in fact alone. Then she turns around to receive an axe in her left eye. Always in the goddamn eye. Aside from the earlier mentions at Marcie’s terrible defense scream, this kill is soundly handled.
Kill 7: Brenda
Another kill that seems to be mostly done off camera, but this one is more satisfyingly done. After running off into the night to find a child she hears calling for help (Voorhees the ventriloquist) she gets bathed in bright light but her actual death is not shown yet. Alice mentions the lights and that she thought she heard a scream, but Brenda isn’t revisited…until Brenda revisits Alice by being thrown through a window. Brenda is tied up and bloody, but her actual cause of death is hard to determine. If you watch closely she does seem to be moving a bit, but I’m not sure if it was intentional or not. So I’m just going to label her death “Death by Window”.
Kill 8: Bill the Snake Murderer
As Bill seems to be Alice’s boyfriend, he manages to last the longest…wait…wasn’t there a thing with Steve? Oh well, I can’t blame her for dumping someone who looks like a less shaggy Weird Al Yankovich. Anyway, despite all the evidence that something is terribly, terribly wrong, Bill is sure that things are fine. He wanders off on his own to fix the power while Alice takes a nap. While in Brenda’s death scene you knew she was being stalked, you can’t tell at all. The only thing that leads us to believe that anything happened to Bill (before his corpse is found) is Alice waking up from a nightmare. She goes looking for him only to find his body pinned to a door by arrows, his throat also cut. That makes this the 4th off camera kill of the movie…I should take offence to that.
Kill 9: Weird Steve Christy Yankovich
Steve’s death is rather unceremonious and kind of embarrassing. It did reveal to the audience that the killer was known to the Christy family though. Steve arrived back at camp to discover someone he wasn’t expecting there. He approaches the off camera figure to greet them only to be stabbed in the chest. The chest stabbing is verified when Alice finds his body with a knife still in it, but when he gets stabbed he reacts more like someone punched him in the stomach…or kicked him in the pills. Either way his death-face is hilarious.
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| D'oh! |
Kill 10: Mrs. Pamela Voorhees (first name revealed in later movies)
I will say this for Mrs. Voorhees, she is a tough bitch. Alice really does a number on her before she finally goes down…and it takes a head severing before it ends. She got clobbered, cunt-punched, pelted, oar smacked, and frying-panned all to no avail. While the slow-motion was rather unnecessary it did cause a bit of satisfaction when the crazy lady’s body finally falls.
Overall breakdown:
Total Kills: 10 + 1 snake
Kills by Mrs. Voorhees: 9 ( 2 plot device characters,6 counselors, 1 boss)
Kills by Alice 1 (1 psycho-bitch)
Kills by Bill 1 (Defenseless snake)
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