Yellow Snow

                This edition of Slasher Studies is a special one. This is the first (of many, I hope) review request I shall be doing. Technically this is the second movie requested, but I had difficulty obtaining the other film. I will handle that request next time. This review is dedicated to my friend Mike who graciously suggested this…ahem, “glorious” film. Thanks for putting my household through this.

We are talking about this one...

...not this one. This one is scarier.

 Pleasantries aside, the movie this week is Jack Frost. To avoid confusion this is Jack Frost the 1996-97 horror-comedy, not the 1998 family-comedy starring Michael Keaton, although both were equally terrible. First off, yes; this is a movie about a killer snowman. A killer snowman, not the abominable Yeti kind, the 3 stacked snowballs kind. Carrot nose and all. A serial killer is genetically turned into a snowman and he seeks revenge on the man who caught him when he was a human. I really miss the 90’s…the “best” B-movies came out then. This film is owned by Ardustry Entertainment, but I don’t think they would admit that in public.

 

Summary

                The opening credit roll takes place while we get several dramatic shots of a Christmas tree. During this two voices give us exposition into the story so far in the form of “Uncle Harry” telling a little girl a “happy-scary story”. Uncle Harry sounds like a serial-killer-pedophile while the little girl sounds like a muppet. They explain Jack Frost, notorious serial killer’s history up until now. Jack racked up a body count of 38 before the film begins over 5 states before being caught. Apparently bits of people had begun turning up in some pies and this allowed the authorities to track him down. What they don’t emphasize is the fact that this means that Mr. Frost apparently worked in a bakery. Guess ol’ Jack got sick of muffins and it pushed him off the deep end. People don’t kill people, excessive baked goods kill people. Uncle Harry finishes up by letting the little girl know that Jack was on his way to be executed right now…but that the fun was just beginning. Dun Dun Dun!

Welcome to Christmas Hell.

                Elsewhere Jack frost is being transported to his execution. 2 men (one white, one black) drive the prison transport truck while Jack is in the back with another guard who has the voice of a country music star. They cross into the town of Snomonton. With a town like that it guarantees that either this is a Christmas movie or that it is forever winter here. The drivers use some clever dialog to let us know that it was in this town that Jack was caught by the local sheriff. Jack takes a moment to off the one guy guarding him as he readies his escape. Outside, a truck of a genetics company is headed towards our prison transport truck. This driver is distracted with getting himself a drink and the inevitable crash happens. This has to be one of the worst on screen motor vehicle collisions I have ever seen; it looks like they set the camera in a dryer spin-cycle.  When everything stops spinning the only survivor (other than out snowman-to-be) is the white prison transport driver. Both the black transport driver and the genetic trucker are killed in a truly uninteresting fashion. A fire has broken out, hinting that a chemical explosion is imminent. Our lone survivor is a real trooper, he is barely fazed by the death of his friends, his only concern is the killer in the back. He isn’t shocked or horrified; he seems tired and sore…like he just finished a rough workout rather than a horrible accident. He checks the back of the truck (even pausing to double check the ceiling) but his fears are confirmed: Jack Frost is free! Free…and right behind him. I will say that I like the human actor for Jack, he is devilishly charismatic and has a great stare…but this is the last of him. An explosion from the genetics truck sprays Jack with chemicals and he melts most graphically…while the Van Damme guard watches rather unimpressed. We see some hokey animation of his cells turning into snowflakes (???)before he begins to rise as a snow monster. The guard finally realizes he should be acting and freaks out, shooting the snow pile…this is going to be a long movie.

Just survived crash and serial killer is dissolving in acid after an explosion. Meh.

                We cut to our hero, the local sheriff who had caught Mr. Frost as he drives his home with his wife Anne, and son Ryan. Sheriff Sam Tiler is being comforted by Ann, her telling him that now that it is past midnight (the time of the execution…does anyone really do executions at midnight?) Jack Frost is really gone. He smiles, but immediately has a flashback to catching Jack (as he pissed buy the side of the road) and how Jack had sworn revenge on him, his family, his town, and anything else he could possibly swear revenge on. After he snaps out of this the car passes by the accident, but they don’t really learn anything because it is a ‘federal matter’. We see the Van Damme guard now traumatized (but you can’t tell the difference) as he repeats that “it ran away”. A mysterious agent approaches him and takes the witness away for a walk…

                The next morning, in the Tiler household, they have a touching after-school special moment while little Ryan cooks his father up some oatmeal (which looks toxic). He loads a plastic baddy full of it so his father can bring the sludge with him. Sheriff Sam heads off to work, stopping in briefly at the annual snowman building contest. Apparently this is the biggest thing in this town with how worked up most of the residents are. I gotta say…this is some of the worst fake snow I have seen outside of a department store. Most of the rest of the cast are briefly introduced here, but no one is all that important to the story (other than for body count). For sake of argument, we meet the, Jake Metzner, snowman obsessed, his promiscuous daughter Jill, his awkward wife Sally, his punk son Billy. We also meet Tommy Davrow, a nice, if pervy kid with the hots for Jill, and his father Paul, who owns the hardware store. He’s friendly, if a bit eccentric, always trying to cut a deal (20% off!). Sam finally gets to the station and greets his secretary, Marla. She politely informs him that somebody has died!

You don't say?

                The sheriff and his two deputies (Joe Foster and Chris Pullman) find the body of Old Man Harper in a rocking chair on the porch of his home on the outskirts of town. There was no sign of struggle, no tracks and no sign of robbery. A very strange death… a death that makes Sam immediately suspicious; Suspicious about Jack Frost (paranoid, but justified). He calls the FBI and speaks to our mysterious agent from last night. His name is Agent Manners, and he confirms that Jack Frost died in the accident last night. Feeling relieved, Sam continues investigating. Doc Peters examines the body, concluding that someone immensely strong killed him with one blow…someone that seemed to be wearing very soft mittens. Meanwhile, Agent Manners and is talking with a corporate guy (referred to later as Agent Stone), saying that the “acid” worked and that Jack Frost was on the loose. They now head out to stop him.

                While Sam is off having a busy day at the office, Anne Tiler is getting home (passing by a featureless snowman that just appeared in their yard). Young Ryan has been cooking again, so she sends him out to put a face on the mystery snowman so she can clean the kitchen. While he is working, local bully Billy Metzner shows up. He and his sled gang (we got us a bad ass over here) proceed to push the little kid around a bit. Personally, I think that beating up the sheriff’s son might be a poor life choice, but he has other worries. He displays how much of a tough guy he is by decapitating the mysterious snowman using his razor sharp sled. Not liking his treatment Jack Frost (did anyone not think it was him?) pushes Billy into the path of his friend’s sled which runs over his neck. Head is now separated from his body (and mysteriously airborne), and Ryan seems surprisingly not freaked out by severed heads.

Warning: Choking Hazard.

                That night, the Metzner family is handling their grief well. Sally wants to decorate the tree despite her son’s grim death, Jake yells at everything and everyone, and Jill is running off with her boyfriend. To each their own. Jake goes outside for a smoke, not even thinking twice on the snowman in his yard. The one that wasn’t there before; the same one from his son’s place of death. I guess these people are so used to snowmen springing up that they are completely desensitized to them. When he realizes he isn’t alone he grabs an axe but cannot find the intruder. Suddenly the snowman grabs the axe from his hand and…doesn’t use it like you’d expect. Instead of some good old fashion chopping, Jack shoves the axe handle down Jake’s throat. Well…that was…creative. Doc Peters later confirms that whatever did this was immensely powerful, as no man could shove the axe straight in like that. Conclusion: Jack is a very strong bastard.

                Inside, Sally is drinking tea and humming merrily to herself and…wait, didn’t her son just die? Would you hum Christmas songs if your child died that morning? What the actual fuck? That aside, Jack shows us one of his new powers: he can melt and re-freeze at will. He sneaks in under the door and reforms inside the house (he also appears to have put the lights on the tree just to troll Sally). He lures her over to the tree (melting and freezing his way around the room, but staying hidden) and suddenly appears behind her. He strangles her with Christmas lights, gags her with a  glass ornament, a smashes her face into a box of more glass ornaments before finally stringing her up to the tree. Yeah, death by Christmas decorations, this is only the second strangest kill in the film. Paul drops by to deliver the salt (failing to notice the body in the yard) and spots Jack finishing his kill. He panics and runs away more than a little overwhelmed with what he just saw.

                After the cops find the bodies, Sam goes to call the FBI only to find that Agent Manners and Agent Stone are already in his office. They claim to be after the man who killed Old Man Harper. They head to the Metzner place and tell us what we already know about Jack’s freezing and melting powers. Manners orders Sam to place a curfew into effect and informs him that a task force is on the way. He doesn’t mention the whole evil snowman part; Sam doesn’t need to know about that little detail. Sam and his deputies round up most of the town and have them hunker down in the church while the agents do their thing. A few people, notably Jill Metzner, are still missing. While Sam tries to calm everybody down, Paul Davrow riles them back up by destroying every snowman outside the church. Assuming he is drunk, Sam sends Deputy Foster to escort him to a jail cell to sleep it off while Deputy Pullman is sent to see what set him off.

"Fucker's a snowman!"

Seems Legit.

                Pullman is on his way when he nearly crashes into a snowman holding a stop sign in the middle of the road. Yep, Jack is at it again. Pullman leaves his car to get a shovel from his trunk. By the time he does Jack has melted…then reforms in Pullman’s police car. He backs over the deputy and drives off on his merry way.

 Back at the church we learn that Sam’s wife left to get blankets alone…we cut to her as a police car pulls up. Dun Dun Dun! Water begins leaking in from under the sink…but it turns out the the car was just Deputy Foster and the water was just a burst pipe. Being in no real danger, Foster escorts Anne back to the church. As they leave, Jill Metzner and Tommy Davrow sneak in. I guess sneaking into a sheriff’s house while a killer on the loose is their idea of fun. Well, it is Jill’s idea of fun, Tommy thinks this is a bad idea but Jill is hot so she wins. Once inside she insinuates that it will be sexy time and…wait…didn’t her little brother just get killed this morning? She seems to be taking it well. Anyway, she leads him along for a while (including the most ridiculous stripping scene set to x-mas music) but before she reveals anything she demands a fire and a bottle of wine. After that Madam Cockblock goes upstairs to blow dry her hair. Her hair didn’t even seem wet in the scene before…huh.

They see me rollin'...wait, I've done this joke before....

Snowman sex scene. Now you've seen everything.

                Back downstairs, Romeo is stealing a bottle of wine from the sheriff. Suddenly someone throws a snowball at the house. Tommy freaks out and grabs an ice pick to protect himself with. He is in a kitchen…yet can’t find a knife. Sigh, this guy has low survival skills. He opens the door and Jack punches him in the face. Tommy uses his ice pick on the snowman, but to no avail. Jack quickly disposes of him by…shooting icicles from his hands? Since when could he…oh, nevermind. Anyway, Tommy dies a virgin and Jill couldn’t hear the fight over the radio or her hairdryer. She finishes drying her hair and walks out into the hallway. She notices the bathroom door is open and that a hot bath has been prepared. She gets into the tub and…wait wait wait. She finishes drying her hair, THEN gets into the bath? So many times in this movie I have to ask “Why happening?” and yet I never get an answer. Anyway, she bathes for a while and…now, you may be wondering where the bath came from. It turns out Jack can heat up too. Yes, she is bathing in a serial killer. He freezes suddenly and thus proceeds one of the oddest sex scenes I have ever witnessed: Jill is raped to death by a snowman. Why happening?

                Back at the sheriff station Sam, Marla, Stone, and Agent Manners are trying to plan, as we learn that a freak snowstorm is cutting off Manners’ men, they won’t arrive in time. How utterly convenient. Also the sheriff’s station lacks weapons and Stone says that conventional weapons won’t work either. And here we thought that the situation was bad. Deputy Pullman’s car pulls up, but no one seems to be in it. While Sam investigates the car, Agent Manners opens his trunk to reveal a ‘Men in Black’ style arsenal. Jack appears trying to grab Marla, but a few shots from Manners knock him back. Frost reforms unhurt and begins to chase our heroes. They lock themselves in the Sheriff’s office but Frost melts and begins flowing under the door. Agent Manners shoots the puddle a few times before realizes it doesn’t work. Shooting a puddle…great plan. Sam holds him at bay with a hairdryer while everyone else runs away. Another great plan…wait a minute…that actually worked? Victory is short due to the dryer having a very short cord, but they have a plan now: Use heat! They lock themselves in the cell block and begin getting a bunch of aerosol, bug spray, and hair spray cans spraying to fill the area with flammable material. Stone flips out trying to stop them as he wants to take Jack back (he works for the genetic company) but Manners knocks some sense into him. The cell block now is effectively a bomb, so they try to escape out the back window. Unfortunately for them, this window is equipped with a padlock. Now with two employees of this facility present, you’d think one of them would remember this little hurdle. Nope, but at least they know where the key is…on the key ring they left in the door. The door which the killer snowman is pouring through. Sam runs…er, walks slowly back to get it. The place is filling with toxic fumes, a killer snowman is coming and Sam doesn’t seem to feel the need to hustle a bit. He acts like he needs to sneak up on the door or something. He gives Jack just enough time to make a grab for him, but he gets the keys. Now he decides to hurry back to the escape route. The sheriff did forget one thing though: Paul is still locked in a cell. Considering you were about to incinerate the area, you might want to remember your buddy is trapped here. He fumbles with the keys, forgetting which key actually opens the cell. Who appointed this guy sheriff? I don’t think he could handle being a dog catcher.

I was this confused by this film's logic too.

                Anyway, everybody escapes out the window and Agent Manners shoots through that same window which causes the building to explode. Jack is melted and the movie ends happily. Or rather I wish it just ended there. We got twenty minutes to go. Jack just reforms, making dumb jokes as usual. Everyone takes cover in the church (other than Marla who runs off with Deputy Foster for what he assumes is sexy time) and our team regroups. Sam demands a plot exposition from Stone and the rest of the back story is made clear(ish). Stone is a scientist working to ensure our survival in case of a doomsday scenario. He made an acid that “would bond our genetic helix to an inert material”. Or simply an acid that fuses us with whatever it touches. So we could be resurrected, but it worked better than he planned. Rather than storing his DNA, it bonded differently, causing him to re-animate rather than be stored. This “proves” that the human soul is a chemical that can be transferred. Is that clear now?

The Magnificent 5.

Time to kick ass...the manly way.

They come up with a new plan to force Jack into the furnace in the church basement, the hope being that the sustained heat could permanently break him down. Everyone stands outside, ready for an old west-type showdown, but Jack appears in the form of a giant boulder and scatters them like pins. Now inside the church, the real fight begins…with hairdryers. Again with the hairdryers, just get the sheriff a Sham-wow. This time, equipped with hundreds of extension cords they force him down into the furnace. He melts, seemingly for good.

                The townies head upstairs to begin getting their lives back, while Agent Manners and Stone take a final look at the furnace. It is a final look, because neither of them survives much longer. Jack escapes the furnace as steam, then refreezes himself, this time with a giant maw filled with icicle fangs. He quickly bites Agent Manners’ face off, but he has other plans for Stone. Jack hi-Jacks (aha!) his body and tries to get close to Sam. Sam, currently with his son, is none the wiser. He loads Ryan into the squad car, but then approaches Stone, who is walking really funny. Unable to pilot the body very well, Jack abandons this plan pretty quick, having Stone throw up his snowy body (which looks like marshmallows here). Sam joins his son in the car to escape, but seems to have lost his keys. I repeat, why is this man sheriff? Jack melts and gets inside the car, also locking the doors. Sam kicks out a window so his son can escape then shoves the bag of oatmeal from the beginning of the movie into his face. Did you forget about the baggy? Turns out it was important, as the oats horribly burn the mutant snowman. When asked, Ryan admits that he put anti-freeze into them so they wouldn’t get cold. Yes, the killer snowman’s weakness is anti-freeze.

                Paul arrives (running down Jack) and is quickly sent to back to his hardware store to load up on anti-freeze. Now that I think of it, no one has noticed that Paul’s son died some time ago…he will be in for a rude shock once the film ends. Sam ducks into an apartment building to distract Mr. Frost while Paul does his errand. Sam leads him to the second story of a nearby building and after getting a signal from Paul, dives out the window with the snowman. They land in the anti-freeze filled bed of Paul’s pickup truck. Jack gets a chemical bath but one of his arms escapes and grabs little Ryan. Sam quickly gets a hold of him and baptizes his son in anti-freeze. To ensure that he is really gone, they bottle up all the anti-freeze and bury the bottles. That ought to hold him. However, the last shots of the film are of the bottles glowing as something is bubbling inside them…

               

Chop Shop

                Kill 1: Harv, country music sensation

Harv gets all of one line in this movie before he meets his end. While transporting the still human Jack Frost he must have drawn the short straw as he had to ride with the prisoner. Jack, wanting a cigarette, takes one from Harv…by knocking him to the ground and stepping on his throat (then he puts out his cigarette on poor Harv). Simple and to the point, there is nothing special here.

                Kill 2 & 3: Unnamed Black Guard & Nameless Genetic Trucker

Both of these die rather unspectacularly in the crash that creates the killer snowman. They are the blandest kind of fodder, not even getting to be killed by the title villain.

                Kill 4: Old Man Abraham Harper

Jack Frost snuck up behind him and broke his neck. Now, this all happened off camera and we are left with the cops trying to figure out the strange corpse the next morning. I have a question: When was the old guy killed? Frost became a snowman at midnight and this is around noon the next day. Was the old man in his rocker at 2 a.m.? For him to be frozen like he was (assuming Jack didn’t do anything to ice him) he had to have been out for some time…I guess Old Man Harper was a moonlight rocker.

                Kill 5: Billy Metzner, local hooligan

He messed with the wrong snowman…how often can you say that? Jack pushes him in front of an oncoming sled. Now this sled seems to have katana blades for rails, and it cuts his head clean off. Very clean off, as in there is very little blood for a severed head. Not to mention that for some reason the head goes flying after it is parted from its neck. I guess his head must have been full of helium…or maybe his head was made of super-ball.

                Kill 6: Jake Metzner

While having a grief-induced smoke outside, Jake meets his demise at the wrong end of an axe. He meets it at the literal wrong end…the handle is what kills him, not the blade. Jack shoves the axe handle completely down his throat. I appreciate the unique use of weapon…but it is defiantly an odd kill. Not even near the oddest by this movie’s standards though.

                Kill 7: Sally Metzner

Jack really takes an unusual route while dispatching Sally. After politely hooking up her Christmas lights for her (she was just so happy) he strangles her with them. Then he shoves an ornament in her mouth to silence her before introducing her face to a box of very breakable, glass ornaments. Ahem, her face meets the box twice, then she is tied to the tree with popcorn garland and he add a star to her head. I guess the killer snowman has a soft spot for Christmas. ‘Tis the season.

                Kill 8: Deputy Chris Pullman

Jack shows more of his sense of humor, preferring to troll his victims before killing them. Appearing as a snowman holding a stop sign, he forces Pullman to leave his car. Pullman grabs a shovel and returns to the front of his vehicle…to find Jack already melted. A bit freaked out, he mumbles that he ‘heard about things like this happening…”as he replaces his shovel. He shuts the trunk and then spots the evil snowman in his car. He is backed over before he can react. No real complaints or comments.

                Kill 9: Tommy Davrow

Casanova here was killed by flying icicles while he was trying to get into Jill’s pants. After attacking Jack fruitlessly with an ice pick, Tommy was shot in the shoulder with such force that he went flying backward. The icicle pinned him to a wall, while Jack lined up another shot. This one went clear through his forehead. Guess he was the one who got penetrated…

                Kill 10: Jill Metzner

Jack must really have it in for the whole Metzner family. He takes out all of them. Ok let’s get this one over with. Jill is busy providing fan-service when suddenly her bath begins to get a little cold. A carrot bumps against her leg just before the whole tub freezes over. Jack appears, but his carrot nose is strangely absent…I don’t even want to assume where it is. Anyway the short version is that he sexes her to death. Not much else I can really say here. This may be the oddest death I have seen in a horror film.

                Kill 11: Agent “Bad” Manners

After a seeming victory, Manners lets his guard slip too early. Jack gets the drop on him and shreds his face with an icicle kiss. Very quick kill, cheesy effects on Jack, but decent blood effects on Manners.

                Kill 12: Stone

After Manners’ death, Stone is left to face Jack alone, but Jack rather than simply killing him, enters his body (unsure how, don’t wanna know) and freezes him from the inside. He then uses the corpse like a man-suite to get closer to Sheriff Sam Tiler. The actual death is off screen.

Overall Breakdown

Total Kills: 12

Kills by Killer Snowman: 10

Kills by reckless driving: 2

Lesson of the day: Be careful on slippery highways or you might unleash a super-powered murderer.

Monster Analyzer:

Subject: Jack Frost, Killer Snowman

Like a Frost.

A serial killer exposed to poorly described acidic chemicals becomes a snowman with homicidal tendencies. Jack has a warped sense of humor and a taste for puns and one-liners.

Powers: Effectively immortal. Can met or freeze at will, as well as able to adjust his own temperature. Can reattach severed limbs or move them independently. Able to alter his shape as he pleases. Can grow and launch sharp icicles. Can posses corpses, albeit poorly.

Weaknesses: Can be herded by sources of heat. Severe reaction to anti-freeze.

Conclusions:

This movie is terrible, but can be quite an enjoyable watch. If you are in the mood for a “so-bad-it-is-good” film, this is one of the best. It was very creative overall and several points did have me laughing out loud. Not scary in the slightest, but it was fairly entertaining.