Well it
certainly has been awhile since I have snarked my way through another movie, so
I feel I owe you all a good one. Sorry to say I am failing to deliver a good
movie, but hopefully my review entertains.
This film was the first request I received from my friend Travis, but I
only recently (relatively) got around to watching it for review. Enough
stalling…today’s film is...
The
Shaft. That is The Shaft, no relation
to the 1970’s detective Shaft(or the 2000’s remake). This film is about a
killer elevator. Yup, we are moving from homicidal snowman to murderous
elevator. I can’t tell if this is a better or worse of an idea. Anyway some
background info. First off, the movie is more commonly known as ‘Down’ (a title
which makes even less sense) but the U.S. release was re-christened ‘The Shaft’
for little to know explainable reason…other than it being a gateway point for
penile humor. This movie is actually a re-make (really?! Why?!!!) of a 1983
Dutch horror film called ‘De Lift’. ‘De Lift’ was actually considered one of
the better Dutch horror films of that era and the Dutch release of ‘The Shaft’
did rather poorly, despite both ‘De Lift’ having the same director.
This film is owned by Buena Vista International (if they
want to own up to it) and….First Floor Features? Really? I wish I was making
the puns up myself…these people are doing my job for me.
Summary
The movie opens with some tracking
shots of the New York skyline accompanied by music that seems like it would be
more appropriate in one of the Lord of the Rings films. This leads to one
initial horrifying conclusion: despite the plot revolving around a killer
elevator, this movie is determined to take itself seriously. Hoo boy. A
thunderstorm is raging (or just sorta flashing in the background without any
rain) as we move in on the tallest building we see, the subtitles inform us
that this is the Millennium building (the movie was made in the year 2000,so I
think they were trying to be topical) and it has 102 floors and 73 elevators. I
will say that it has as many floors and elevators as the Empire State
Building…this is probably the horror-universe equivalent. This is later
confirmed when they refer to it as ‘New York’s most famous land mark’. We are introduced to two lovable security
guards (Andy and Gary) who are busy using the observation deck to peep in
windows of neighboring buildings. We are before the three minute mark and we
already are getting the nude scenes out of the way. If you are hoping the rest
of the movie continues in this vein, you’ll be disappointed to know that that
is it for the film. Sorry, maybe try returning to the snowman sex from last
time?
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| The elevator bit my flashlight! Great expressions. |
After they run out of quarters
and get back to work a power surge (assumedly from the tower being hit by
lightning) causes the lights to flicker. It seems to be nothing but the creepy
music and a slight security camera distortion seem to hint otherwise. They talk
about going down to the 66th floor (since they couldn’t find a 666th
floor I guess…) but Andy leaves to urinate while Gary waits by the elevators.
The doors open and some weird disturbance affects Gary’s watch. Now, lightning
strikes cannot affect watches, so I am forced to assume that his watch is being
affected by the ‘Aura of Elevator Evil’.
You know, ‘cuz that makes sense. More lightning strikes the building and
the doors of the elevator insist on closing. Despite his attempts, they keep
trying to close and his flashlight begins flashing unexplainably (also caught
in the ‘Aura of Evil’ I suppose). The doors of the elevator vibrate and the
doors slam shut…killing poor Gary’s flashlight in the process.
The
next day we meet the protagonists, Jeff (last name impaired) and Mark Newman,
the ever vigilant employees of the Metor Elevator repair company. Now I don’t
know about you, but I think ‘Meteor’ is a poor name for an elevator repair
company. Falling like a meteor is the last thing one wants an elevator to do. I
digress. Jeff is very serious about his
job and is cranky towards Mark, who is portrayed as a drunk and a slacker who
barely is holding the job. However, as Mark is one of three characters in the
film who actually has a last name, his importance is assured. The radio as they
drive to work tells us that a record number of lightning strikes occurred last
night (later we learn four hit the Millennium Building) and it hints that this
is the cause of the evil. Lightning makes it evil? Sure…okay.
 |
| How is Babby formed? Love the faces here too. |
We
leave our heroes to return to the Millennium Building where somewhere around
the 30th floor, a group of six pregnant women enter the elevator
and…oh boy, here we go. The elevator
stops suddenly, sending all the women to the ground. Security notices an alarm
but since this has been happening off and on for 3 days (there goes the
‘lightning did it’ explanation) they ignore it and the alarm ceases. Inside the
Shaft of Fertility, the buttons and emergency phone refuse to work and the
women’s cell phones’ signals are blocked by the ‘Aura of Elevator Evil’. Also,
the air flow is cut, turning the elevator into a sauna and the attempts at
rescue from outside fail because the elevator’s key will not turn. The rescue
team cut the power but despite this the elevator descends anyway. The women are
alright(ish) when they reach the lobby but two of them gave birth within the
elevator. So far there are no deaths but two shaft-induced births (No, the
penis jokes will not cease) put the kill count at -2.
We
rejoin Mark and Jeff during their lunch break as they get the call to go fix
the shaft, seeing as more people are getting off it than are getting on.
Determined to limit such births in the future, our heroes rush off. Meanwhile
we cut away to journalist (and last name bearer # 2) Jennifer Evans, who is
played by one of the few notable stars in this movie, Naomi Watts. Isn’t it
cute? This movie is trying to pretend it has a budget. After talking to a man
who looks a lot like Harold Ramis (you know, the building does remind me of the
apartment in Ghostbusters…), she sent to cover the pregnancy incident. Once on
site, Ms. Watts proves she can play the most parasitic paparazzi possible by
harassing the women as they are being taken to ambulances. I hate reporters.
Back
with Mark and Jeff, they are on sight looking over the elevator. We also get to
hear talk of how Jeff’s last partner Kowalski committed suicide and was found
burnt to death in his car on the beach. Look at him, acting like he has a back
story. We also learn that he is kind of a dick (no relation to the other dick
jokes, just a regular dick) from the way he treats the building’s maintenance
crew. After looking it over they find nothing wrong, although the way the
elevator almost seemed to breath at one point was a touch ominous. Mechanically
speaking, nothing is wrong, so they report their findings and leave.
Meanwhile,
up on the 24th floor, Mr. Faith (a blind pervert)is getting his hair
cut. Fed up with his groping, his
stylist gives him a look to rival Jack Nicholson’s Joker. H, and his seeing-eye
dog named Buster get onto an elevator. Nothing could possibly happen to a blind
pervert, right? He hits the ‘lobby’ button, but the elevator has other plans.
He is brought up to the 91st floor, and after stepping off the
elevator confused, the doors shut behind him. He presses the call button, but
Buster begins to growl. Dogs can smell the’ Aura of Elevator Evil’, y’know.
When the doors open there is no elevator and the expected happens. Yep. He
walks into it, but the jerk dragged his poor dog in too. Poor Buster. However
we do notice that not just one, but at least two of the elevators conspired to
kill this man. All the elevators are in cahoots!
 |
| Why, Hello there Awkwardness. |
Mark
reestablishes his status as a main character by delving into his backstory.
Apparently he got into a fight with his (girlfriend? Wife? Probably
girlfriend…) lady-friend and is trying to make up with her by bringing her
flowers. Too bad she seems to be sleeping with someone else, as our hero learns
when the new boyfriend appears towel-clad. After striking out here (but he at
least isn’t a bitch about it) Mark leaves and this foray into him pretending to
be a developed character ends. He goes to recuperate at a bar with Jeff and his
pregnant (wife? Girlfriend? Probably wife…) lady-friend. It also turns out the
woman who dumped Mark is Jeff’s half-sister…what is this? A soap opera?
That
night we re-find our two inept guards from the first scene (these guys are
great, by the way) stealing booze. Their drinking is short lived when the
elevator decides to play cat-and-mouse with them. The security office alerts them to an
elevator moving in the empty building, but when the doors open no one exits.
The guards rush over but the door closes and it drops four floors. They race
down to head it off but it closes and goes back up a few floors. While debating
their options Gary’s (yeah, they still have names) flashlight flickers under
the influence of the ‘Aura’ and the doors open to an empty shaft. Andy (also
still has a name) finds the body of poor Buster just before the doors close
trapping his head. The office (whose camera’s are also facing ‘Aura’ induced malfunctions)
notices what the elevator has begun descending. Just like with Mr. Faith, I
think we can all see where this is going. Goodbye Andy.
 |
| He gave the shaft head! XD |
Next
morning a rather hung-over Mark returns to trying to fix the Shaft. Before long
he goes to re-experience his last mean in the bathroom only to meet Jennifer,
our reporter character. Since the press are not allowed inside, she is
pretending to work there but Mark sees right through it. She tries to get some
dirt on the elevators but he out snarks her and leaves before security escorts
her out(despite her actually trying to convince the guards that he raped
her…yeah. She will say anything apparently). Mark meets up with Jeff and both
agree that they cannot find anything wrong…again. They report it, but Mark is concerned
about the situation while Jeff writes everything off and acts like a dick
again.
 |
| Car-boner. Never thought cars liked elevators. |
The
following day we find Mark being yelled at by his boss, Mr. Mitchell (how the
hell did they get Ron Perlman in this movie?) for talking to the reporter.
Seems she printed his snarky comments as facts, causing trouble for the Meteor
company. Today Mark is working with Murphy who gives us some more exposition.
He mentions talks more about Jeff’s old partner’s suicide. Apparently the guy
worked on the Millennium building too…suspicious. Elsewhere, on a completely
unrelated note, two roller-blade punks (Nameless, so let’s just call them
‘Dreds’ and ‘Wipeout’)are having a race, causing several traffic incidents
along the way. Suddenly Wipeout…wipes out in front of the elevators in the
parking garage of the Millennium Building. Not realizing his peril, several
nearby cars react to the ‘Aura of Elevator Evil’ by…getting some sort of
windshield wiper-boner and sounding their car-alarms. The elevator doors open,
flooding the garage with blinding light (from where? I dunno). Then, most
unexpectedly Wipeout is sucked into the elevator as if it were a high powered
vacuum. He is brought up to the 86th floor before being disgorged
from the shaft like a bullet, sent through the window to fall to his death.
Meanwhile, somewhere in Harlem, Mark sees the news report of Wipeout’s death on
the news. Now he begins to really suspect that maybe something is really wrong
with that building. Seeing no choice he races to the see…(to do what? I don’t
think he knows either, but he sure pissed off Murphy).
 |
| Would you trust this woman with your children? |
Outside
the building Mark runs back into Ms. Jennifer Evans who is trying to get a
story. He chews her out for a bit over her article about him and they part
ways. Seeing as she is supposed to be an important character she gets very
little screen time. In the building, we see the World’s Best Daycare Lady (actual
dialogue: “Quiet! Little bastards, don’t fuck with me. Bunch of losers you
are…all of you” and she continues for quite a while) giving important life
lessons before a little girl sneaks away. Little Mary Jane winds up playing in
front of the elevators. The doors open and close repeatedly as if playing with
the little girl before finally taking a bite out of her doll. The World’s Best
Daycare Lady finds her before any real harm comes and escorts her to relative
safety.
Jennifer
finally decides to step into the spotlight and shows up at Mark’s place. How
she tracked him down is anyone’s guess. She shows him the security footage of
‘Wipeout’s’ death and they conclude that something is very wrong after noticing
the elevator took only 1.8 seconds to go up 86 floors (a trip which should take
42 seconds). They go to try to show this info to Jeff, but he doesn’t listen
and hurries off in a huff. He seemed unusually nervous about something but we
are left in the dark for now. Mark and Jennifer then go to dinner instead and
talk about elevators. Suddenly Jennifer decides to research Gunther Steinberg (a
scientist who works at Meteor Elevators. He was referenced very briefly in only
one scene before this) and discovers that he worked for the military. Chip (the
Harold Ramos look-alike) comes by and hands us the plot. He says that they were
making bio-chips for guided missiles based on dolphin brains (for science!) but
ran into problems when the missiles started
getting MINDS OF THEIR OWN. Somehow the chips started reproducing (what
logic does this movie follow?!) and began growing like living organisms. Chip then agrees to
research Mr. Steinberg.
Now
believing that the elevator was experimented on by Dr. Steinberg and that it
now has a mind of its own, Jennifer and Mark part ways for the night. The next
morning, Mr. Milligan (the Millennium Building manager) is not pleased to
discover Jeff’s body in the elevator shaft. Mark receives a call from Jennifer about this discovery and
they head to a press conference where the elevator company and the police are
pinning the accidents on Jeff’s body. Seeing a strange pattern, Mark suggests
looking into Kowalski’s suicide to see if there is a connection to Steinberg or
to Jeff’s death. The meet up with Jeff’s widow who tells them that some German
guy (Steinberg) called him out last night and that Kowalski died not burning in
his car, but in the elevator! Dun Dun Duuuuun!
Continuing
their investigation streak, our heroes go to visit Kowalski’s wife. Since Mrs.
Kowalski doesn’t answer her door, the pair do the obvious thing and break in.
Inside they find what appears to be a voodoo shrine to the late Kowalski. Soon
they are visited by Mrs. Kowalski who is out of her mind. She believes “they”
killed him and now his spirit (and maybe the Devil) haunt the elevator seeking
revenge. So we have three theories:
 |
| This woman is clearly sane. |
1)
Freak lightning strike animated and pissed off
elevator, making it murderous.
2)
Bio-chips created by Dr. Steinberg became self –aware
and like to kill people because reasons
3)
The spirit of Kowalski is pissed after dying in
the elevator and is out for revenge.
Theory one seems out, and three is the most plausible
(sadly) yet is the least likely. It is probably evil-dolphin brain chips. I
give them points for…um…creativity?
While
this is going on our killer elevator kicks it up a notch. 16 people board an
elevator and it doesn’t end well for them, the floor dropping out beneath them.
This incident moves the president to speak out against the terrorists that are
obviously behind this. He declares the building sealed off. Elsewhere, Mr.
Mitchell and Dr. Steinberg have a shifty meeting in Steinberg’s car. Apparently
both knew about the bio-chip, but did nothing about it. Steinberg still thinks
he can control it, but Mitchell wants to be done with this. He doesn’t want
more lives lost but Steinberg isn’t sure he can stop it now.
 |
| Chip McNot-Harold-Ramis |
That
night, during a heavy downpour, the police, SWAT team, several dogs, and the
FBI are busy locking down the Millennium building. Mark and Jennifer sneak in
using a Meteor company truck until Jennifer is busted by the cops. Mark is one
sneaky bitch and makes his way inside. Before she is found out though, Jennifer
fields a call from Chip McNot-Harold-Ramis and he says that they were still
experimenting with the bio-chips…but they aren’t just using dolphins anymore!
He…doesn’t really say what they are using but we can assume that it is some
Soilent Green Bullshit going on right here.
Using
his ninja skills, Mark evades detection by trained police and FBI agents and
their helicopter (Mark was a marine but still…) and makes his way to the top of
the building, seeing a lot of weapons and ammo along the way. He reaches the
main control box but apparently it was destroyed when the elevator breached the
roof. He reasons there must be another box they never checked. He tries to
sneak into an elevator, but the doors open to welcome him. Inside he tries to
climb through the roof maintenance hatch but the elevator starts moving and
refuses to respond to his rampant button pressing. Mark, undaunted, rips open
the button panel and breaks some wires which stop it…for a while at least. He gets
on top of the elevator and uses a manual control to move the car up…wait…if the
car was capable of moving, why did it stop when the wires were pulled? The evil
bio-chip thing seem to be able to make things that were never wired move…so why
not the elevator now? Oh forget it.
While
all this is going on, Jennifer is locked in a storage closet until the police
figure out what to do with her…instead of taking her to, you know, jail. They
are busy trying to get to Mark, since moving the elevator gave away his position.
Mark finds some birds that the elevator has been eating and the word “shaft”
written in blood. Bloody shafts are never a good sign. He rises several more
floors until the FBI cuts his power, then the trooper begins to climb the
cables barehanded. Like a boss. He finds the second control box (which is
dripping slime) but the shaft isn’t gonna take this lying down. It electrifies
(with the power cut, how?) the roof-buried car while Mark opens the box
revealing the evil bio-chip. He stabs it several times with a screwdriver when
suddenly the electro-car starts on fire. It drops the flaming car down the
shaft right next to our hero, forcing him to dodge the flames. He falls a bit
but catches himself, the FBI guys climbing up to get Mark are not so fortunate.
One is bisected by the flaming car.
 |
| How exactly is this a computer chip? |
Having
the upper hand, with Mark barely holding on, the Shaft sends another car (sans
flames) up at him. He dodges only to get his foot snagged by a cable from the third
elevator that attacked him. Mark frees himself just before that elevator hits
the ceiling and he is even able to dodge the falling debris. The guy must have
been a monkey in a past life. While Mark is busy not-dying, our other
characters aren’t just sitting around. Dr. Steinberg arrives on the scene while
Jennifer escapes the storage room through the ceiling. Mark leaves the Shaft
and helps himself to a ‘stinger’ the SWAT team left lying around. For all y’all
haters, a ‘stinger’ is a rocket launcher. He returns and aims his weapon at the
Bio-chip but Dr. Steinberg appears and puts a gun to Mark’s head. He is busy
protecting the Shaft for some reason (either still wanting to experiment or
trying to avoid blame) and the two fist fight for a bit. Military Mark gets his
ass kicked by Science Steinberg and is about to be kicked down the shaft Sparta-style
but Jennifer appears. She seems to have picked up Steinberg’s gun and now has
the upper hand. The SWAT Team intervenes but Steinberg grabs Jennifer as a
hostage, clearly labeling himself the villain. She fights her way free just
before cables from the shaft grab Steinberg and pull him inside. One grabs Mark
too, but he grabs his ‘stinger’ and fires it…while upside down in the clutches
of the Shaft…directly at the Bio-chip. It a’splodes and the evil is thwarted.
Dr. Steinberg wasn’t as fortunate as he was strangled by the cords before the Bio-chip
was destroyed.
The
next scene shows Mark leaving the hospital (with no indication of how he
explained the situation to the FBI) with Jennifer. The enter the elevator to
leave the building but suddenly it stops! Turns out Mark just hit the emergency
stop, locking them both in the elevator…alone. They kiss and the credits roll.
The ending credit song ‘Love in an Elevator’ by Aerosmith should give you an
idea of what happens next.
Chop Shop
Kill 1: Mr. Faith
 |
| Put a smile on that face! |
A rather gropey-bastard. A blind one. A blind one with green hair. He simply walks to his
death, falling from the 91st floor. As a blind man, he doesn’t
notice that there is no elevator in the shaft he walks into and gravity does
the rest. His noble dog tries to pull him to safety, but Buster is not a large
dog. The man’s weight dooms them both. I will say most films won’t kill off a
blind man, but this one was justified by making Mr. Faith rather lecherous.
Lechers always meet their faith…er, fate.
Kill
1.5: Buster
Good dog. Very good dog. Fell down the same shaft as Mr.
Faith, but his leash snagged on the way down. Poor thing got hung by his own
leash. Unlike his master, Buster didn’t deserve this. This is one eeeeeevil
elevator.
Kill 2:
Andy the Guard
Despite being a pervert, a slacker, and a bit of a thief,
Andy had a bit of charm to him. He also was rather diligent when an actual
problem came up on the job; too bad this cost him his head. After playing
cat-and-mouse with a sadistic elevator (a sentence I never thought I would
type) he managed to get his head caught in the doors of the shaft. The elevator
slowly descends (despite the best efforts of Gary to pull him free) and separates
his head from his neck. I like the acting quite a bit during this scene but the
decapitation effects were slightly lacking. Having Gary vomit into his hat
after witnessing his friend’s death was a nice touch.
Kill 3:
‘Wipeout’
After causing several public disturbances, it was no
surprise that the horror movie gods would punish this little punk. We get no
time to learn anything about him other than his flair for racing and his
disregard for public safety before he gets eaten by the Shaft. He is sucked up
by some strange vacuum force before being launched out of the building.
Ok…science time. It takes approximately a 130 mph wind to knock over a 160lb
man (Wipeout probably isn’t heavier than that) and this force pulled him clear off
his feet so it seems even stronger. In soviet Russia Shaft sucks you…these
jokes need to stop. Anyway, after playing human cannonball he falls down 86
stories to land right in front of his friend ‘Dreds’. Personally I thought the
blood splatter was a little lacking for a fall of that length.
Kill 4:
Jeff
While trying to destroy the evil of The Shaft, Jeff ran
afoul of…something. We are in the dark on exactly how he died, but his body was
rather cut up and bloody. He dropped into an elevator with Mr. Milligan
suspended upside down looking rather discombobulated. Not much to say since
this one happened off camera.
Kill
5-16: People in an elevator
Several people of many ages and races board the elevator.
There is at least 2 kids, a pizza guy, 3 women and many people less
distinguishable. The elevator refuses to stop and it rockets up at unusually
fast speed. Suddenly (and inexplicable) the floor opens up dropping the poor,
frightened people. The way it open seemed like the floor was meant to drop
(hinges could be seen) so either this elevator can re-design itself, or the
elevator was built with serious design flaws. The elevator then jumps it’s
shaft, and bursts through the roof, killing those who refused to fall.
Kill
17: FBI minion
While trying to attack Mark, the Shaft sends a flaming
elevator car at him. He dodges but Mr. FBI isn’t so lucky. Several FBI members
scramble out of the shaft but the last guy doesn’t quite make the jump. He
lands on the ledge but before he can pull his lower half up it meets several
tons of flaming steel. An entertaining kill, but he was still just a faceless
guard so it doesn’t really make you feel much.
Kill
18: Dr. Gunther Steinberg
While trying to protect his mad science fair project, his
baby turned on him. The killer elevator doesn’t distinguish between friend and
foe. It grabbed him by the throat and dragged him to a satisfying end. The cord
effects looked cheesey as hell, but the corpse of the Dr. was decently
presented (like a marionette).
Overall Breakdown:
Total Kills: 18 (19 if you count Kowalski who died before
the movie began) and 1 dog…plus several birds.
Kills by Impacts (either falling or hitting the roof): 9 (10
if the dog is counted)
Kills by Dismemberments: 2
Kills by Strangulations: 2 (3 if Kowalski is counted)
Monster Analyzer
Subject: The Shaft
A bio-chip that may be made out of people became self aware.
Self-awareness made it cranky.
Powers: Ability to override button controls, able to
activate when power is off, able to move cables to attack. Able to electrify or
inflame a car. Control over airflow within elevator cars. Able to slice people
with door. Able to use airflow to suck up and spit out people.
Also possesses the “Aura of Elevator Evil”. This aura is
able to cause electrical interference that influences many devices. It can effect
watches, flashlights, car alarms, car wipers, security cameras and dogs can
sense it too. I am not sure where this aura came from or how it does what it
does.
Conclusions:
There is just something about this movie that gets better
every time you watch it. It possesses a decent sense of humor when it wants to
be funny, but this movie suffers from trying to take itself seriously most of
the time. I found it entertaining, but this movie is very bad. If you dislike ‘B’
movies stay very far away. Except from the Daycare scene. That shit was
excellent.
 |
| One final question: What building really needs gold hand dryers? |
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