Triskaidekaphobia

On Halloween, I was feeling a little more in a spiritual mood. I capitalized on this to watch a ghost movie and chose one that I had greatly enjoyed in the past. Thir13en Ghosts (their spelling, not mine) is definitely a love it or hate it film. While not overly frightening, it does utilize some brilliant effects and a fascinating mythology. The movie released in 2001 and is based on 13 Ghosts, a 1960 movie. The original movie had a gimmick where special glasses (similar to 3D glasses) were needed to see the ghosts in the film. The remake pays homage to this by having the characters unable to see any of the angry spirits without glasses themselves. Warner Brothers and Dark Castle own the film. Also, I notice that this is the second movie with ‘13’ in its title so far in the blog…I wonder if this will be a theme.

                Also, there are too many ghosts to describe here, so I’m not going to go into much detail on them until the end. I’ll refer to them by their title and if you want info on them scroll to the bottom.

Summary

You Rang?

                Our scene opens in what I believe is the same junkyard that they buried Freddy Krueger in. After being treated to the junky ambience we see several trucks break in and many uniformed men jump out. These men are quickly revealed to be on a mission to capture a ghost who resides in this trashy paradise. Looks like the Ghostbusters went hard core. The operation is led by Cyrus Kriticos (who may be Vincent Price’s clone) a wealthy adventurer who is collecting twelve ghosts for a mysterious purpose. He is assisted by Dennis Rafkin, a psychic who suffers from migraines when he is near anything undead. If you read my previous blog, you may recall that I made several Scooby references, well this time they are a little more warranted. Dennis is played by Matthew Lillard, most famous for his work in Scream and for his role of Shaggy Rogers in the live action Scooby-Doo movies (given Dennis’s tendency to freak out I see a connection here). Dennis is contracted to help catch 12 ghosts and tonight is the last one. They are about to get underway when two self-styled “Spirit Liberators”, Kalina Oretzia and Damon show up. Guess there is an activist group for everything.  Damon tells Cyrus that he can’t “play God” while Cyrus retorts “Playing is for children” (one of my favorite lines). The activists are quietly set to the side so the blood can begin, in the literal sense. A truck begins spraying blood to get the angry attention of the angry, angry ghost, while a tape recorder plays a creepy Latin chant. The Juggernaut (as the angry, angry ghost is called)makes his presence known by crushing and throwing several “ghost busters” around, as he is invisible unless we see through the glasses. Upon finally seeing the big fellow, I think he looks like Lurch from the Addams Family…except…angrier. After beating the shit out of several men, the Juggernaut is contained in a special ghost-proof box. After the dust settles we learn that both Damon and Cyrus died in the struggle to contain Juggs.

                The opening credits roll over a montage showing a happy family of 4 become less happy when a fire burns their home, kills the mother and leaves the father struggling to make ends meet. We meet the family around the breakfast table;  Arthur Kriticos (played by detective Monk), his teenage daughter Kathy, and morbid little son Bobby. They also have a maid named “Miss Maggie” Bess who is the token sassy black lady of the movie. Kathy is helping to prepare the morning food while little Bobby engages in normal ten year old behavior: making a audio report about dead people. Yep. The little boy’s hobby is dead people. The sister expresses her concern about her morbid little brother but he (and his father) insists that it is ‘healthy to make reports in  the dead’. Huh. Guess this blog means I’m healthy. Also noteworthy here is hearing little Bobby call his sister a “little slut” is adorable.

                Soon their meal is interrupted by Ben Moss, the most grim lawyer in the world. Mr. Moss represents the estate of our friend Cyrus Kritcos, who we learn is the rich uncle of Arthur’s who squandered the family fortune. Mr. Moss presents a video will of Cyrus’s which tells the family that they inherit his house and everything in it. The family wastes no time in driving out to the town of “Willow Grove” (no state given) to see their new home. At this point we find that little Bobby, with his discussions on suffocation and decapitation has got to be the most morbid ten year old that ever lived. The family reaches their destination, which bears a striking resemblance to a clear Rubik’s cube. Waiting outside is a man from the power company, claiming that this house has knocked out power to many homes and that he needs to check the breakers.  However, unbeknownst to the family or Mr. Moss, the power man is in fact our psychic friend Dennis. Seems as though Cyrus stiffed him on his last paycheck and he is here to look for it. The lawyer begins a tour while Dennis heads to the basement. The house is rather large, full of glass walls (covered in Latin writing), and houses many items from several cultures (samurai swords and the like). As the lawyer gave the tour I came to the conclusion that he would make a great “Creepy Voice-Over Guy”. I want him to do horror movie trailers. The lawyer and Arthur go to sign papers while the kids and Maggie agree to wait in the entry way. Five minutes later they are racing about the house.

                Meanwhile, Dennis realizes it might be harder than he thought to stumble upon Cyrus’s fortune. Suddenly he gets a headache which causes him to realize something. He puts on a pair of the glasses and confirms his greatest fear: All the ghosts are here! (What did he think Cyrus was doing with them? Tagging them and releasing them back into the wild?) Dennis runs back upstairs to warn the family that their basement seems infested with ghosts, however by rambling on and on about ghosts he comes off as less than credible.  While Dennis is crying wolf…er…ghost, the lawyer seems to have snuck away. He slinks down to the basement to collect a briefcase full of money (guess it was down there…shoulda looked harder there, Shaggy) that Cyrus was paying him to bring his family here. He passes the ghosts unperturbed and even pauses to taunt them (or comment upon one’s rack). Upon collecting it, however, it activates a mechanism that starts the house doing…whatever it was meant to do. This seals the exit, rearranges several walls and…oh yeah, releases a ghost or two. One ghost in particular, The Angry Princess (the one with “nice tits” that the lawyer commented on), is set free and begins advancing on the lawyer. She also happens to have a ghostly knife with her. Mr. Moss backs away franticly, but it isn’t the ghost he should watch out for. The shifting of the house causes a wall to slice him cleanly (bad word choice, it was rather bloody) in two. The house continues to shift periodically for the rest of the movie, releasing the other ghosts one by one at certain time allotments.

                Elsewhere, Dennis has convinced Arthur to at least leave the house. They go to find the maid and children, but alas, they are gone! They begin the frantic hunt for the family. Kathy is in an upstairs bathroom freshening up, but she isn’t in there alone. The camera travels through a pair of glasses that just happen to be sitting on the counter (did Cyrus often have need to see ghosts while on the toilet?) and we see that the room is covered in blood and that the Angry Princess is in there too. The bloody room (complete with ‘I’m Sorry’ written in blood on the floor) is one of the creepiest sets in the film. The Princess doesn’t bother Kathy at first, she just fixes her hair and then goes to sit in a blood-filled bath tub. Kathy, not realizing her danger, goes to the bath tub and begins running the water (she acts like she hasn’t seen a bath in months, was the family that behind on the water bill?). The Princess looks confused and uncomfortable, while Kathy splashes water on her face right next to her. Rather than just sit there and be molested, the ghost grabs her knife but is interrupted by Arthur storming into the room and pulling Kathy out.

My...Isn't This Awkward...

                While his sister is busy sexually harassing spirits, Bobby was racing Maggie around the house but got separated from her. He finds the stairs to the basement and hears a voice (he assumes it to be either Maggie or Kathy) calling him to come down and play. This is the Bound Woman luring him in…but another voice keeps trying to warn him to go back upstairs (the ghost known as the Withered Lover). After ignoring the warning and wandering around for a while he finally sees the Bound Woman (he picked up some glasses a while ago) and runs in a blind panic into yet another ghost; the Torso. The Torso is a gory mess that scares the boy  to the point that he falls over and knocks himself out. As he falls he sees another bloody figure watching…one that looks like Cyrus!

                Arthur finds Maggie, but no one has seen Bobby so the family decides to check the basement. Dennis protests because there are ghosts down there. This statement fails to motivate the family.  However for some unclear reason Arthur really wants Dennis to come down with them. Really wants him to. As in bribes him by agreeing to pay him whatever Cyrus owed him. And thus, motivated by greed, our heroes descend to the basement.

Downstairs, Dennis is aghast to find many empty ghost cells and Arthur is aghast to find Bobby’s tape recorder (with only screams heard on it). To prove his point Dennis shows Maggie a ghost but Arthur won’t listen (he wins the ‘parent of the year’ award as he ignores his daughter during this scene). Kathy puts on some glasses only to find the Jackal (the creepiest fucking ghost in the movie, aptly described as the Charles Manson of ghosts) right in front of her. He drags her down the hallway as he rips at her with his claws. The confusion separates Arthur and Kathy from the others but they are saved when Kalina appears and handles it like a boss. She uses a special flare to drive the ghost away. After introducing herself she gives Arthur the plot exposition, informing him that this house is actually a device (and I quote) “designed by the devil, powered by the dead, to see the future”.  Unfortunately for Arthur, during the exposition Kathy seems to have vanished. Kalina recommends heading to the library, as it is the most fortified room.

Elsewhere, Maggie and Dennis are trying to run back upstairs. They almost make it too, but the house shifts at the last second, separating them. Dennis dances with the baseball bat wielding Torn Prince ghost, while Kalina and Arthur are being herded by the First Born Son and the Hammer (the ghost called “the Hammer”, not the bludgeoning instrument). Dennis dodges the repeated swings of the Prince until house shifts again and both Dennis and Maggie run upstairs. While there they narrowly avoid the Great Child and the Dire Mother.  Kalina and Arthur run around like hamsters in a maze, turning only when a ghost pops out. Finally they remove a ceiling panel and escape through that just before the Hammer kills Arthur. We pause the film now as the camera travels eerily through several empty hallways in a minor house exposition that seems to serve as a transition.

Everyone reunites upstairs and it is happy times until the Jackal crashes the party. He scratches the hell outta Arthur’s back before Kalina flares him away. They are then chased by a new ghost, the Pilgrimess, until they reach the safety of a nearby room.  Once there Kalina gets a chance for more exposition. She tells that the 12 ghosts will open the “Ocularis Infernum” or for those who don’t speak Latin, the “Eye of Hell”. She says if knowledge is power than the “eye” would make the wielder the most powerful man in the world. Also the 13^th ghost is described. This ghost, the Broken Heart, must be created during the ritual as a sacrifice out of love. If the sacrifice is made, it would short-circuit the ritual and break the spell. She hints that Arthur should become the 13^th ghost. Not to be ignored, Dennis has some revelations himself, namely that the 4^th ghost (the Withered Lover) is in fact Arthur’s dead wife! Holy plot-twist Batman!

Arthur isn’t quite through hunting for his childrens, so he and Dennis do what any sane person would do. They remove a ghost-proof wall and walk around with like a shield. Seems legit. While they go on their quest, Maggie and Kalina continue on to the library (finding the dead lawyer in the process). Arthur and Dennis’ shield seems effective enough against the ghost-bat of the Torn Prince, however they run into a bigger problem, The Hammer. As the Hammer is strong enough to push the shield back, they realize that this may not have been the perfect plan. Dennis takes a level in badass by pushing Arthur into a corner then affixing the shield-wall in place, leaving himself to dodge/distract the Hammer. He does well until the house shifts, this shift saves Arthur but locks Dennis in with not only the Hammer, but the last ghost, the Juggernaut. The tag team match doesn’t end well for Dennis. Meanwhile, in the library we are treated to another plot twist. Maggie and Kalina are going about their business trying to find a way to open up the house, when suddenly Cyrus shows up and he isn’t quite as dead as previously thought. Not only that, Kalina knocks out Maggie and reveals that she has been working for Cyrus all along (and she is his lover too. Eew). Kalina hands over the spellbook she got from arranging Damon’s death and tells Cyrus that she told Arthur that becoming the 13^th ghost would save his children. Turns out that creating the 13^th ghost is the final piece of the ritual. Cyrus decides to use the children he kidnapped as bait, but Kalina has reservations about putting children in danger. They compromise by having Kalina crushed in a closing wall…wait…that isn’t a compromise at all, is it? That’s what you get for dating evil warlocks. Cyrus starts that creepy chanting recording again causing all ghosts to move toward the center of the house.

Arthur heads to the center too, only to find his children surrounded by spinning blades, being orbited by all twelve ghosts (played expertly by mannequins in this scene). He sees the “ghost” of Cyrus, but quickly counts the other ghosts realizing that mathematically speaking, Cyrus can’t be a ghost. Arthur goes hulk all over Cyrus but is beaten back. Cyrus demands repeatedly that Arthur become the 13^th or his children will die. All looks pretty bleak…until the sassy black lady wakes up and starts remixing the spell tape and begins flipping every switch and lever she can find. With the tape not functioning the ghosts get free…and seek revenge on Cyrus. They grapple him and throw him into the spinning blades near the children…if they weren’t traumatized before, they sure are now. Arthur is unsure what to do, but the ghost of Dennis shows up (does…does this make Shaggy the 13^th ghost?) and offers some encouraging advice. Filled with resolve, Arthur jumps the whirling blades to shield his children (a leap whose timing reminded me of retro-video games) from the explosion that Maggie’s sabotage created. The ghosts leave the house and vanish into the night and Arthur gets to say goodbye to his wife one last time…and also goodbye to Maggie who announces rather loudly that she quits.

Maggie on the Decks...

...Rippin' Shit Up.

Chop Shop

Kill 1-5.5: Ghostbuster Minions

These kills happen in quick succession and most are well done, but I do have one question. When the ghost begins appearing he pushes a wall of cars down and several minions flee but a mutilated minion corpse is seen before the cars fall…not sure where it came from. I counted that as .5 kill since it seems to be a scene that might have missed editing.  Minion 1 dies after being dragged up a wall of cars, then is shoved in one and apparently explodes. I assume the invisible ghost just ripped him apart but it was unclear (although well filmed). Minion 2 gets folded  (looking like he was pulled in by his crotch) into the hood of a car.  Minion 3 is bisected by the Juggernaut who is wielding a car at the time. Minion 4 is thrown by the Juggernaut, he survives the impact but a wall of cars falls on him. Minion 5 gets locked in the containment unit with the ghost and is slammed repeatedly into the walls. Dennis says 12 people died but I don’t have reason to believe that everyone that got tossed about died.

Kill 6: Damon

While he is apparently killed in the struggle to contain the Juggernaut, Kalina reveals later that she set him up. It is unclear how she arranged for his death, but his throat was cut sometime during the confusion.

               Kill 7: Lawyer Most Grimm, Ben Moss

Ben engineers his own death by going downstairs (into a basement he knows is ghost-infested), taunts several spirits (including the very naked Angry Princess), than claims the money that Crazy Old Cyrus paid him to lead innocents to their death. He kinda had it coming. When he takes the briefcase he is approached by the Princess (who didn’t seem thrilled by his comments) bur she never gets a chance to harm him. A sliding glass wall bisects him in half. The only problem I have here is that the wall goes clear through him, and unless the wall was bladed or something it should have pushed and crushed him rather than slicing clean through. Great effect, but the logistics don’t add up.

                Kill 8: Dennis “Shaggy Rogers” Rafkin

In the first and last noble move of his life, Dennis saves Arthur by locking him securely behind the ghost-shield-wall in the corner (not enough room for two) and tries to distract the Hammer. It goes alright (despite the Hammer crushing Dennis’ hand) but when the Juggernaut joins the wrestling match it ends poorly for Dennis. He is wrapped around a metal pole.

                Kill 9: Kalina Oretzia

Score number two for the house. Cyrus realizes that Kalina’s soft side may get in the way of his absolute power, so he betrays her. He tells her to go grab a book while he slips out. When she tried to catch up she gets pinned in the wall and crushed to death. Cyrus barely blinks.

                Kill 10: Cyrus Kriticos

Every great asshole in a horror film gets his comeuppance. Cyrus meets his while several of the spirits lift him up and throw him upon the spinning blades. He explodes and apparently disintegrates. He doesn’t even get any of himself on the children who were 2 feet away. Technically I’m not sure if I should count this one as a kill for the ghosts or the house.

                Overall Breakdown

Total Kills: 10 + 1 random body.

Kills by Juggernaut: 6 (one with the assist by the Hammer)

Kills by Kalina: 1 (done off camera, Juggernaut framed)

Kills by the House: 2 (One aided by Angry Princess, one aided by Cyrus)

Kills by Ghost Coalition 1 (With assist by house)

Conclusion: Don’t live in a obviously dangerous house (even ghost free) and the Juggernaut is a beast.

               Monster Analyzer

            There are a lot of ghosts here so I’ll only touch on them briefly. Each ghost can only be seen through special glasses. The ghosts must obey whatever any spell, written or spoken, compels them to do. Also they seem adverse to a special “quicksilver flare”.

Subject 1: The First Born Son

Wanna Play?

A ghost who died when very young while playing cowboys and Indians. He seems to enjoy walking on walls and ceilings and wields a tomahawk. He intimidates several people, but doesn’t really attack anyone.

Don't Lose Your Head...

Subject 2: The Torso

Ghost of a mafia victim. He doesn’t do much other than look freaky as Hell. He is one of the two ghosts to attack Bobby in the basement.

Subject 3: The Bound Woman

Bondage Ghost...No Me Gusta.

The ghost the lures Bobby to the basement. She is the vengeful spirit of a murdered prom queen. Outside her appearance towards the beginning, she doesn’t show up much.

...Nothing to say here...

Subject 4:  The Withered Lover

Not really a vengeful spirit. She is Arthur’s wife who perished in a fire just before the movie started. She warns Bobby of danger and tries to protect her family.

Hey Batter, Batter...

Subject 5:  The Torn Prince

The Prince gets some action throughout the film. He was a highschool baseball hero in life, and still wields a bat in death. He attacks Dennis, as well as puts the wall-shield to the test.

Subject 6:  The Angry Princess

What Lovely...Knives You Have.

Here is the movie’s fan-service.  She gets more screen time then most other ghosts besides the Jackal and the Juggernaut. She walks around stark naked the entire time, wielding the same knife she killed herself with. She was a beauty queen obsessed with cosmetic surgery in life. She doesn’t kill anyone, but comes close to killing Ben and Kathy.

Subject 7:  The Pilgrimess

Build a Bridge Out of Her!

I’ll give her points as the second creepiest ghost (the Jackal taking the gold), but she doesn’t serve much of a roll. She chases the characters down one hallway and that is the extent of her appearance. Only the Great Child/Dire Mother had less air time. She was accused of witchcraft when she was alive and she does look rather witchy.

What a Lovely Family.

Subject 8 & 9: The Great Child and the Dire Mother

I’m handling these two together as they are always seen, depicted, and referenced as a unit. Both were circus performers in life (the mother was only 3ft tall, the son was some sort of hulk, I believe). They really don’t do anything other than stand at the end of a hallway in one scene and look imposing. The great child carries an axe, but never used it.

Subject 10: The Hammer

Anyone Have a Band-Aid?

The most badass looking ghost, the Hammer is big and imposing. Having a sledge hammer for a hand and many rail-road spike in his body (which he can remove) he is an intimidating beast. He attacks the group on a few occasions and injures Dennis just before the Juggernaut kills him. He was a blacksmith in life.

Subject 11: The Jackal

How Crazy do you have to be before they put your head in a cage?

The freakiest ghost of the bunch, the Jackal is fucking insane. Wearing a straight jacket, his head in a cage, contorted limbs, and beastly claw; the Jackal is a terrifying sight. Pretty sure he was nightmare inducing the first time I saw the movie. He is the first ghost to physically attack the family, nearly killing Kathy. Later he makes another attack, shredding Arthur’s back. The ghost of a maniac who hates all humanity, the Jackal is definitely a highlight of the movie.

Subject 12: The Juggernaut

I'm the Juggernaut, Bitch!

This is the powerhouse that racked up the most kills (only kills by the ghosts other than Cyrus). The Juggernaut is huge and immensely strong. He is capable of throwing cars around and can fold people like laundry. The ghost of a murderer that, despite a superficial resemblance to Lurch, is rather intimidating. He also gets quite a bit of screen time too, which is reflected in his body count.

Conclusion

                Despite the movie not being very frightening, the great ghost effects and excellent mythology make it rather worthwhile. The plot twists were surprising, but seemed a tad random at times, but the film was overall well acted. The problems seemed to stem from trying to use 12 really interesting ghosts in too short of a movie. With all they were trying to squeeze in, it might make a better mini-series. Hell, most of the ghost backgrounds were only in the DVD bonus features rather than in the movie. Overall though, I found the movie rather enjoyable as a quick-paced action movie with horror imagery. Not scary, but still fun to watch.