Haute Confusion

                Time to step back into the world of Slasher flicks with this review. I mean, I called this thing Slasher Studies after all. This also shall mark my first international movie review, as the film in question is French in origin. This shall also be the first twist-movie that I’ll be looking at…and with that comes more complications on reviewing, but also many more areas to comment and complain about. The film is Haute Tension (or “High Tension” if you are American, or “Switchblade Romance” if you’re British), a 2003 release (2004 stateside) and it is owned by EuropaCorp and Lions Gate. This film was released in two versions; an edited, ‘R’ rated, dubbed version, and the original, NC-17 French language version. This blog is looking at the French subtitled version of the film.

Summary

                We begin by watching a woman in a hospital gown muttering to herself that “I won’t let anyone come between us anymore”, her back is revealed to be scarred from injuries. We quickly cut away to the same woman running injured through the woods. She makes it to a road just in time for a car to almost hit her. She runs up to it and screams for help. We cut away again and the same woman is waking up in a car, revealing everything else to be a dream.

Her name is Marie, she and her friend Alex are on break from college and have decided to spend time studying at Alex’s parents house in the country. Alex is portrayed as a party girl (or slut if you believe Marie) while Marie is more defensive and untrusting towards men. Alex doesn’t trust single guys (they must be single for a reason!) and prefers to go for men who are already taken. They have been close friends for a long time and Marie is finally going to meet Alex’s parents. It is vaguely hinted that Alex and her family are not originally from France and that Alex and her family don’t speak very good French. As I speak no French, I’ll have to take her word for it, but they all seem rather fluent to me. Marie describes her dream to her friend, mentioning that she was being stalked by someone, namely herself. Alex ends the conversation quickly and they begin singing along to the radio.

Wait...Justin Beiber is in this movie?

You got a purdy mouth.

We briefly get a look at Alex’s mother (I don’t think she gets a name) and her younger brother Tom. Tom runs around dressed as a cowboy with his dog Hendrix. They are eagerly awaiting the arrival of Alex. However, nearby a sinister truck is lying in wait. The driver is biding his time by…well…by getting a blowjob from a severed head. Our killer, ladies and gentlemen. He does his thing then drives off. To where? I don’t know, but we all know he is coming back soon. Darkness falls before our heroes arrive on the ol’ family farm. Marie is introduced to Daniel (the father), Mama (the mother), and Tom (a cowboy). She gets a tour of the house and is shown to her room in the attic. A nice family meal is had, good times all around.  After everyone says goodnight, Marie goes outside for a smoke while Alex takes a shower.

I have been waiting for the right moment to bring this up, but now seems to be the best. The evidence of Marie being a lesbian can no longer be denied. The haircut, her not trusting men at all, she was quoted as being “over protective” of Alex, she was awkward at meeting the parents…all inconclusive, yes. But now, while she finishes her cigarette, she watches her friend shower through a window. I would even let that slide…save for the fact that her next course of action. This review, I admit, has a few things that are awkward to write about (especially grabbing pictures while a female friend sits near me) so I’ll just come right out and say it. She goes to her room, puts on her headphones and MASTURBATES. There. It was said. While she is so occupied, the truck from before begins its approach of the house. She…finishes up just as the killer exits the car and…you know? I’m not done talking about her masturbating yet. What the hell kinda song was she listening to? Well it is “Runaway Girl” by U Roy, now, I can’t find lyrics anywhere so I’ll just link the song. Why this song?!  With lyrics like “You’re just another girl…you’re very nice but not that smart” and so on, why would you masturbate to that? Please don’t answer that.

Ahem. Anyway, the killer arrives just as she finishes. She goes to the window as the doorbell rings. The father Danny-boy (wait, that was in Leprechaun, sorry), awakens and goes to see who is at the door.  Marie watches him be attack from the window. From her vantage point, it is hard to see what weapon the killer is wielding. Whatever it was, Daniel was slashed across the face with it. He tries crawling up the stairs while the killer lets himself in and takes a moment to off the family dog. Marie listens intently to the commotion, but doesn’t seem to know what to do yet. The killer knows what he is doing, however. He lodges Daniel’s head in the stair railing then uses a bookcase to decapitate him. Yep. You read that right. Decapitation via bookcase. I give it creativity points. The mother, hearing noises comes downstairs. She doesn’t immediately freak out over the blood-covered stairs or headless corpse, but when she sees the razor in the killer’s hand she freaks out. Also that was the weapon in question. A tiny razor. You know what the say about big men with tiny knives, right?

Not over-compensating...

The mother is heard screaming and Marie figures out the best course of action: Hide like a bitch. Okay, she tries to call for help first, but fails. She does a remarkable job of hiding, I must say. She re-packs her bag, makes her bed, and dries the water out of the sink. Seriously, who would think to check if the sink was wet? Anyway the Killer enters Marie’s room and looks around. He searches around for a while (taking a moment to check the God-damn sink, finding a drop in the faucet while he is at it), while Marie cowers under the bed. He finally goes downstairs to harass Alex (who made the poor life choice of sleeping with ear plugs). It isn’t expressly shown, but I believe a rape is implied. Okay…we have a rape, a shower scene, masturbation, and a severed head blowjob (all within the first half hour of the movie, nonetheless). What the fuck, France?

Marie, upon hearing her friend’s struggles wastes no time in…wasting time. She tries to find a phone connection in her room but fails, then she runs around searching for another phone. She winds up in the master bedroom where she finds a phone, but no receiver. She searches until she hears someone approach. She hides in the closet, but it isn’t the killer who enters. The mother (slashed a bit, but still alive) crawls into the room and tries to use the phone to call for help. Before she can dial, the killer comes in and slits her throat, then takes the time to cut off her left hand with his tiny knife. Why take the hand? Beats me. How was that little thing able to get through bone? Good question. The killer goes off and Marie exits the closet in time to hear the mother’s final words “why me?”

After the coast is clear, Marie runs to Alex’s room to find her gagged and chained to the bed. She struggles to free her for a while but to no avail. Meanwhile, the cowboy Tom has run outside the house, presumably to bring the cavalry. However, the Killer hears him and walks after him with a rifle. Yes, they actually kill off the little kid cowboy. Marie leaves Alex after promising to return, and goes off to find a phone. She succeeds!...but the phone line is obviously cut. The killer goes to Alex’s room and carries Alex off to his truck. He loads her in back then goes to have one last look around. Marie arms herself with a kitchen knife and hides in the back of the truck to ambush the killer, but instead the killer decides to drive off, not realizing Marie is hiding in back. Marie tries once more to free Alex, but to no avail. Alex is to traumatized  to be of any help. 

Like a movie star!

The killer nonchalantly pulls into a gas station to fill his tank, not seeming concerned that someone may find his hostage. While he gases up, Marie gives her knife to Alex then sneaks into the gas station. The clerk (name of Jimmy) seems concerned and confused when she runs in and hides, but he keeps quiet when the Killer enters. They talk for a while, revealing that the killer and Jimmy know each other (if the killer’s clothes are any indication, he works there). They talk of women, and the killer tries on some nifty shades, before asking for some booze. He goes to get it but Jimmy grows nervous by the killer’s behavior…and the blood on his hands doesn’t help. The clerk turns his back to get the killer the alcohol he requests then takes an axe to the chest. The killer had grown suspicious, but still hasn’t seen Marie. He takes his time making the shop look closed and checking to see if anyone else is there, then he drives off leaving Marie behind. Marie calls the police, but is unable to give them any information since she doesn’t know the area. She rage-quits the phone and steals Jimmy’s car to follow the killer. She also spares a second to grab the gun that Jimmy had under the counter.

She follows the truck for a while, then pretends to pass by before turning off her headlights and following him. She is pretty good at the whole stealth thing, but the killer is once more one step ahead of her. She loses sight of the truck (that can happen with your lights off) until it turns its headlights back on. It somehow got behind her! She readies the gun, but the killer shows her that he has all the bullets. Damn. This guy thinks of everything. He rams her car, flipping it into a ditch. She staggers away from the wreckage, binds her wounds, then hides after seeing that the killer is searching for her with a flashlight. She takes time to arm herself with an ugly stick…by ugly stick, I mean a post covered in barbed wire. She tries to get the drop on him by circling around to behind his flashlight, but he is still a few moves ahead of her. He had rigged his flashlight to a rope so it swung around, making it look like he was searching over there. He gets behind her and tries to suffocate her with a plastic tarp. He gets her to the ground and gloats for a bit, but she finds a convenient (and…yellow?) rock to bash him over the head with. She then goes to town on his face with the ugly stick. She finishes him off by smothering him in the same plastic tarp-thing The killer dead, she goes back to the truck to save Alex.

Batter Up!

Twist time! Some cops notice the gas station that has been shut down. Upon investigating and finding the dead body of poor Jimmy. They review the security camera tapes and witness the killer axe the clerk…but it was Marie holding the axe! Meanwhile a happy Marie frees Alex from the chains, only to have Alex pull the knife Marie had left her out. Alex seems a little less than thrilled to see Marie, while Marie is confused. The killer is dead, so why is Alex still afraid? We see a montage of Marie killing the family instead of the Killer before Alex stabs Marie in the stomach. The Killer never existed, he was a figment of Marie’s mind that allowed her to act out her darker desires. Her desires that included Alex. Ahem. Lesbians. Marie reverts to her ‘Killer’ persona and gets a concrete saw from the truck. A chase scene that mirrors the first scenes of the movie plays out, Marie/Killer chasing Alex.  Marie begs her to come back, that she would take care of her, before reverting to the killer again. Alex reaches the road in time for a car to almost hit her. She screams for the driver to help her (same guy from the dream earlier. Maybe Marie is psychic too?) before getting into the passenger side. The car stalls allowing Killer/Marie to catch up and shove the saw through the windshield. Driver gets mutilated and Alex gets so covered in gore that she appears to have a Jersey Shore tan. Alex escapes through the windshield using a crowbar to make the hole bigger but some glass cut her ankle so she can only crawl away. The killer demands to know if Alex loves her while raising the saw. Alex promises that she does and the killer reverts to Marie who lovingly kisses Alex. Alex returns the affection by impaling Marie with the crowbar. We end on scenes of Marie where we came in, her in a hospital gown, chanting  “I won’t let anyone come between us anymore”. Alex looks on through one-way glass, before Marie reaches once more for her. And that concludes our love story.

Re-Summary

                                Now that we know the twist I thought we should re-examine several scenes to see if it all adds up. I’ll say this right now: No it does not. Away we go!

                Opening scenes of Marie’s dream:

Alright. No real problems here. We should have gotten the tip of “I was stalking myself” but it was very subtle. The only question I have is how Marie knew what the guy at the end would look like.

                Severed head blowjob scene:

The scenes between the dream and this one bear no issues. But this scene, while going far in terms of setting the mood, doesn’t really fit. If Marie is just arriving to this area (she expressed knowing nothing of this area to Alex in the car) who killed the head? Was there even a real victim? Was this another dream? The only way this really fits is to assume it was another random dream event  since the head kinda looks like Alex.

                The Killer’s arrival:

Marie finished touching herself and the killer arrives. It isn’t hard to assume Marie did her thing, than went outside to become the killer, or maybe when she was outside earlier never actually came back inside, but the real issue is something else entirely. Where did the truck come from? I don’t think it fit in the trunk of Alex’s car. The truck is the leading source of plot holes for this movie. I am forced to assume she left the farm and found a beat up truck somewhere nearby and stole it. Also we now might think Marie is a little daft for playing Hide and Seek with herself.

                Drivin’ down the road:

Not too bad of a hole here, but still worth mentioning. Marie and Alex are locked in the back of the truck so who is driving the truck? Alex is reacting to Marie’s presence so she had to be there for part of it at least, not to mention that this is when Alex got the knife.

                Gas Station:

Jimmy watches Marie enter and hide and reacts to her pleas to pretend she is not there. The killer then enters and talks to Jimmy. Why was Jimmy reacting to two people? Also how did Killer/Marie know Jimmy’s name? I suppose he did have a nametag but Jimmy acted like he knew Killer/Marie. It is possible the whole conversation was in Marie’s mind I suppose. When Killer drives off leaving Marie, there isn’t much in terms of plot holes. The 911 call never really happened (which is why no police cars got there until much later) but stealing Jimmy’s car brings us to…

                Car Chase:

Okay. One might assume that the whole chase never happened…but wait! If Marie was never in that car accident, where did some of her wounds come from? They were still there at the end. All I can think is that in blind insanity she stole the car, crashed it herself, then went off to fight her imaginary alter-ego.

                Overall:

There are many ways to guess the actual events but I’m pretty sure of a few things. Marie and Alex were friends. The way they react to each other tends to pull my belief that Marie just showed up and tried to kidnap Alex. Most of the events that don’t add up are probably bits that Marie’s mind inveted…but where in the nine Hells did she find that damn truck?!

Chop Shop

Kill 1: Hendrix

Yup. Not counting the imaginary severed head-girl, the dog died first. He was slashed by the killer’s razor just off camera. The dog was handled a lot nicer than most of the human victims, so there isn’t much to report on.

                Kill 2: Daniel Soral (they say the last name only once in the movie)

After investigating the doorbell late a night he is confronted by Marie/Killer who slashes him across the face with her razor. He tries in vain to climb the stairs before Marie/Killer steps on his head, forcing it between the bars of the stair’s railing. She then lines up a nearby bookcase and attains ramming speed, separating his head from his body in a rather bloody fashion. Very creative, I liked how this kill was done.

                Kill 3: Mama Soral

After investigating the noises downstairs Mama is slashed across the chest by the same razor. The Killer leaves her alive and walks away to go a’ rapin’. I figure the mother must have played dead, thus allowing her to crawl her way to the phone. She tries to hide in the closet but the killer catches her from behind and slits her throat. Killer than labors for a while in severing the mother’s left hand for some reason. He doesn’t take it with him, it is still lying there. There was no reason for this. Looking back the mother’s last words to Marie make a bit more sense however.

                Kill 4: Cowboy Tom

After hearing his family die, the littlest cowboy of them all runs out and hides in the corn field only to be discovered and shot at close range with a rifle. I give the movie props for actually going so far as to kill a kid under 10 years old, very few movies are this ballsy. They do handle it rather tactfully for such a brutal murder though. I will not that this kill was one of the scene taken out of the American ‘R’ version.

                Kill 5: Jimmy

After some dialogue that may or may not have happened, Jimmy was getting some alcohol out of the cooler. He turns around and Marie runs up and axes him viciously in the chest. Nothing to right home about, but the sound effects are great.

                Kill 6: Unnamed guy on the road.

This kill takes the ‘bloodiest kill in the movie’ award. While trying to help a damsel in distress he meets up with a concrete saw that tears his chest and face apart. Utterly brutal, but not to gory to be unbelievable.

                Kill X: The Killer

Marie killed the killer in her mind, so I’ll comment on it. After he has her pinned she clubs his head with a rock then beats him in the face several times with her Ugly Stick. When he still refuses to die she smothers him with a plastic tarp. The way the Ugly Stick kept sticking into his face was disgusting and amazing all at once. Also the damage his face sustained was well done. This was probably the best kill, despite not actually happening.

Overall Breakdown

Total Kills: 5 + 1 imaginary

Kills by Marie/Killer: All 6 (3 family members, 1 gas station attendant, 1 random passerby, 1 dog, and 1 imaginary killer) 3 by razor, 1 by axe, 1 by sawblade, 1 smothering.

Conclusion

                While this movie makes little sense at times, it is quite an entertaining gore-fest. The plot twist was hard to see coming and the kills were creative and brutal. I do recommend this movie, but you have to be a little forgiving at times.  I admit that I haven’t seen many French horror films, but I did enjoy this one. Yay concrete saw.

She just wants a hug!

Triskaidekaphobia

On Halloween, I was feeling a little more in a spiritual mood. I capitalized on this to watch a ghost movie and chose one that I had greatly enjoyed in the past. Thir13en Ghosts (their spelling, not mine) is definitely a love it or hate it film. While not overly frightening, it does utilize some brilliant effects and a fascinating mythology. The movie released in 2001 and is based on 13 Ghosts, a 1960 movie. The original movie had a gimmick where special glasses (similar to 3D glasses) were needed to see the ghosts in the film. The remake pays homage to this by having the characters unable to see any of the angry spirits without glasses themselves. Warner Brothers and Dark Castle own the film. Also, I notice that this is the second movie with ‘13’ in its title so far in the blog…I wonder if this will be a theme.

                Also, there are too many ghosts to describe here, so I’m not going to go into much detail on them until the end. I’ll refer to them by their title and if you want info on them scroll to the bottom.

Summary

You Rang?

                Our scene opens in what I believe is the same junkyard that they buried Freddy Krueger in. After being treated to the junky ambience we see several trucks break in and many uniformed men jump out. These men are quickly revealed to be on a mission to capture a ghost who resides in this trashy paradise. Looks like the Ghostbusters went hard core. The operation is led by Cyrus Kriticos (who may be Vincent Price’s clone) a wealthy adventurer who is collecting twelve ghosts for a mysterious purpose. He is assisted by Dennis Rafkin, a psychic who suffers from migraines when he is near anything undead. If you read my previous blog, you may recall that I made several Scooby references, well this time they are a little more warranted. Dennis is played by Matthew Lillard, most famous for his work in Scream and for his role of Shaggy Rogers in the live action Scooby-Doo movies (given Dennis’s tendency to freak out I see a connection here). Dennis is contracted to help catch 12 ghosts and tonight is the last one. They are about to get underway when two self-styled “Spirit Liberators”, Kalina Oretzia and Damon show up. Guess there is an activist group for everything.  Damon tells Cyrus that he can’t “play God” while Cyrus retorts “Playing is for children” (one of my favorite lines). The activists are quietly set to the side so the blood can begin, in the literal sense. A truck begins spraying blood to get the angry attention of the angry, angry ghost, while a tape recorder plays a creepy Latin chant. The Juggernaut (as the angry, angry ghost is called)makes his presence known by crushing and throwing several “ghost busters” around, as he is invisible unless we see through the glasses. Upon finally seeing the big fellow, I think he looks like Lurch from the Addams Family…except…angrier. After beating the shit out of several men, the Juggernaut is contained in a special ghost-proof box. After the dust settles we learn that both Damon and Cyrus died in the struggle to contain Juggs.

                The opening credits roll over a montage showing a happy family of 4 become less happy when a fire burns their home, kills the mother and leaves the father struggling to make ends meet. We meet the family around the breakfast table;  Arthur Kriticos (played by detective Monk), his teenage daughter Kathy, and morbid little son Bobby. They also have a maid named “Miss Maggie” Bess who is the token sassy black lady of the movie. Kathy is helping to prepare the morning food while little Bobby engages in normal ten year old behavior: making a audio report about dead people. Yep. The little boy’s hobby is dead people. The sister expresses her concern about her morbid little brother but he (and his father) insists that it is ‘healthy to make reports in  the dead’. Huh. Guess this blog means I’m healthy. Also noteworthy here is hearing little Bobby call his sister a “little slut” is adorable.

                Soon their meal is interrupted by Ben Moss, the most grim lawyer in the world. Mr. Moss represents the estate of our friend Cyrus Kritcos, who we learn is the rich uncle of Arthur’s who squandered the family fortune. Mr. Moss presents a video will of Cyrus’s which tells the family that they inherit his house and everything in it. The family wastes no time in driving out to the town of “Willow Grove” (no state given) to see their new home. At this point we find that little Bobby, with his discussions on suffocation and decapitation has got to be the most morbid ten year old that ever lived. The family reaches their destination, which bears a striking resemblance to a clear Rubik’s cube. Waiting outside is a man from the power company, claiming that this house has knocked out power to many homes and that he needs to check the breakers.  However, unbeknownst to the family or Mr. Moss, the power man is in fact our psychic friend Dennis. Seems as though Cyrus stiffed him on his last paycheck and he is here to look for it. The lawyer begins a tour while Dennis heads to the basement. The house is rather large, full of glass walls (covered in Latin writing), and houses many items from several cultures (samurai swords and the like). As the lawyer gave the tour I came to the conclusion that he would make a great “Creepy Voice-Over Guy”. I want him to do horror movie trailers. The lawyer and Arthur go to sign papers while the kids and Maggie agree to wait in the entry way. Five minutes later they are racing about the house.

                Meanwhile, Dennis realizes it might be harder than he thought to stumble upon Cyrus’s fortune. Suddenly he gets a headache which causes him to realize something. He puts on a pair of the glasses and confirms his greatest fear: All the ghosts are here! (What did he think Cyrus was doing with them? Tagging them and releasing them back into the wild?) Dennis runs back upstairs to warn the family that their basement seems infested with ghosts, however by rambling on and on about ghosts he comes off as less than credible.  While Dennis is crying wolf…er…ghost, the lawyer seems to have snuck away. He slinks down to the basement to collect a briefcase full of money (guess it was down there…shoulda looked harder there, Shaggy) that Cyrus was paying him to bring his family here. He passes the ghosts unperturbed and even pauses to taunt them (or comment upon one’s rack). Upon collecting it, however, it activates a mechanism that starts the house doing…whatever it was meant to do. This seals the exit, rearranges several walls and…oh yeah, releases a ghost or two. One ghost in particular, The Angry Princess (the one with “nice tits” that the lawyer commented on), is set free and begins advancing on the lawyer. She also happens to have a ghostly knife with her. Mr. Moss backs away franticly, but it isn’t the ghost he should watch out for. The shifting of the house causes a wall to slice him cleanly (bad word choice, it was rather bloody) in two. The house continues to shift periodically for the rest of the movie, releasing the other ghosts one by one at certain time allotments.

                Elsewhere, Dennis has convinced Arthur to at least leave the house. They go to find the maid and children, but alas, they are gone! They begin the frantic hunt for the family. Kathy is in an upstairs bathroom freshening up, but she isn’t in there alone. The camera travels through a pair of glasses that just happen to be sitting on the counter (did Cyrus often have need to see ghosts while on the toilet?) and we see that the room is covered in blood and that the Angry Princess is in there too. The bloody room (complete with ‘I’m Sorry’ written in blood on the floor) is one of the creepiest sets in the film. The Princess doesn’t bother Kathy at first, she just fixes her hair and then goes to sit in a blood-filled bath tub. Kathy, not realizing her danger, goes to the bath tub and begins running the water (she acts like she hasn’t seen a bath in months, was the family that behind on the water bill?). The Princess looks confused and uncomfortable, while Kathy splashes water on her face right next to her. Rather than just sit there and be molested, the ghost grabs her knife but is interrupted by Arthur storming into the room and pulling Kathy out.

My...Isn't This Awkward...

                While his sister is busy sexually harassing spirits, Bobby was racing Maggie around the house but got separated from her. He finds the stairs to the basement and hears a voice (he assumes it to be either Maggie or Kathy) calling him to come down and play. This is the Bound Woman luring him in…but another voice keeps trying to warn him to go back upstairs (the ghost known as the Withered Lover). After ignoring the warning and wandering around for a while he finally sees the Bound Woman (he picked up some glasses a while ago) and runs in a blind panic into yet another ghost; the Torso. The Torso is a gory mess that scares the boy  to the point that he falls over and knocks himself out. As he falls he sees another bloody figure watching…one that looks like Cyrus!

                Arthur finds Maggie, but no one has seen Bobby so the family decides to check the basement. Dennis protests because there are ghosts down there. This statement fails to motivate the family.  However for some unclear reason Arthur really wants Dennis to come down with them. Really wants him to. As in bribes him by agreeing to pay him whatever Cyrus owed him. And thus, motivated by greed, our heroes descend to the basement.

Downstairs, Dennis is aghast to find many empty ghost cells and Arthur is aghast to find Bobby’s tape recorder (with only screams heard on it). To prove his point Dennis shows Maggie a ghost but Arthur won’t listen (he wins the ‘parent of the year’ award as he ignores his daughter during this scene). Kathy puts on some glasses only to find the Jackal (the creepiest fucking ghost in the movie, aptly described as the Charles Manson of ghosts) right in front of her. He drags her down the hallway as he rips at her with his claws. The confusion separates Arthur and Kathy from the others but they are saved when Kalina appears and handles it like a boss. She uses a special flare to drive the ghost away. After introducing herself she gives Arthur the plot exposition, informing him that this house is actually a device (and I quote) “designed by the devil, powered by the dead, to see the future”.  Unfortunately for Arthur, during the exposition Kathy seems to have vanished. Kalina recommends heading to the library, as it is the most fortified room.

Elsewhere, Maggie and Dennis are trying to run back upstairs. They almost make it too, but the house shifts at the last second, separating them. Dennis dances with the baseball bat wielding Torn Prince ghost, while Kalina and Arthur are being herded by the First Born Son and the Hammer (the ghost called “the Hammer”, not the bludgeoning instrument). Dennis dodges the repeated swings of the Prince until house shifts again and both Dennis and Maggie run upstairs. While there they narrowly avoid the Great Child and the Dire Mother.  Kalina and Arthur run around like hamsters in a maze, turning only when a ghost pops out. Finally they remove a ceiling panel and escape through that just before the Hammer kills Arthur. We pause the film now as the camera travels eerily through several empty hallways in a minor house exposition that seems to serve as a transition.

Everyone reunites upstairs and it is happy times until the Jackal crashes the party. He scratches the hell outta Arthur’s back before Kalina flares him away. They are then chased by a new ghost, the Pilgrimess, until they reach the safety of a nearby room.  Once there Kalina gets a chance for more exposition. She tells that the 12 ghosts will open the “Ocularis Infernum” or for those who don’t speak Latin, the “Eye of Hell”. She says if knowledge is power than the “eye” would make the wielder the most powerful man in the world. Also the 13^th ghost is described. This ghost, the Broken Heart, must be created during the ritual as a sacrifice out of love. If the sacrifice is made, it would short-circuit the ritual and break the spell. She hints that Arthur should become the 13^th ghost. Not to be ignored, Dennis has some revelations himself, namely that the 4^th ghost (the Withered Lover) is in fact Arthur’s dead wife! Holy plot-twist Batman!

Arthur isn’t quite through hunting for his childrens, so he and Dennis do what any sane person would do. They remove a ghost-proof wall and walk around with like a shield. Seems legit. While they go on their quest, Maggie and Kalina continue on to the library (finding the dead lawyer in the process). Arthur and Dennis’ shield seems effective enough against the ghost-bat of the Torn Prince, however they run into a bigger problem, The Hammer. As the Hammer is strong enough to push the shield back, they realize that this may not have been the perfect plan. Dennis takes a level in badass by pushing Arthur into a corner then affixing the shield-wall in place, leaving himself to dodge/distract the Hammer. He does well until the house shifts, this shift saves Arthur but locks Dennis in with not only the Hammer, but the last ghost, the Juggernaut. The tag team match doesn’t end well for Dennis. Meanwhile, in the library we are treated to another plot twist. Maggie and Kalina are going about their business trying to find a way to open up the house, when suddenly Cyrus shows up and he isn’t quite as dead as previously thought. Not only that, Kalina knocks out Maggie and reveals that she has been working for Cyrus all along (and she is his lover too. Eew). Kalina hands over the spellbook she got from arranging Damon’s death and tells Cyrus that she told Arthur that becoming the 13^th ghost would save his children. Turns out that creating the 13^th ghost is the final piece of the ritual. Cyrus decides to use the children he kidnapped as bait, but Kalina has reservations about putting children in danger. They compromise by having Kalina crushed in a closing wall…wait…that isn’t a compromise at all, is it? That’s what you get for dating evil warlocks. Cyrus starts that creepy chanting recording again causing all ghosts to move toward the center of the house.

Arthur heads to the center too, only to find his children surrounded by spinning blades, being orbited by all twelve ghosts (played expertly by mannequins in this scene). He sees the “ghost” of Cyrus, but quickly counts the other ghosts realizing that mathematically speaking, Cyrus can’t be a ghost. Arthur goes hulk all over Cyrus but is beaten back. Cyrus demands repeatedly that Arthur become the 13^th or his children will die. All looks pretty bleak…until the sassy black lady wakes up and starts remixing the spell tape and begins flipping every switch and lever she can find. With the tape not functioning the ghosts get free…and seek revenge on Cyrus. They grapple him and throw him into the spinning blades near the children…if they weren’t traumatized before, they sure are now. Arthur is unsure what to do, but the ghost of Dennis shows up (does…does this make Shaggy the 13^th ghost?) and offers some encouraging advice. Filled with resolve, Arthur jumps the whirling blades to shield his children (a leap whose timing reminded me of retro-video games) from the explosion that Maggie’s sabotage created. The ghosts leave the house and vanish into the night and Arthur gets to say goodbye to his wife one last time…and also goodbye to Maggie who announces rather loudly that she quits.

Maggie on the Decks...

...Rippin' Shit Up.

Chop Shop

Kill 1-5.5: Ghostbuster Minions

These kills happen in quick succession and most are well done, but I do have one question. When the ghost begins appearing he pushes a wall of cars down and several minions flee but a mutilated minion corpse is seen before the cars fall…not sure where it came from. I counted that as .5 kill since it seems to be a scene that might have missed editing.  Minion 1 dies after being dragged up a wall of cars, then is shoved in one and apparently explodes. I assume the invisible ghost just ripped him apart but it was unclear (although well filmed). Minion 2 gets folded  (looking like he was pulled in by his crotch) into the hood of a car.  Minion 3 is bisected by the Juggernaut who is wielding a car at the time. Minion 4 is thrown by the Juggernaut, he survives the impact but a wall of cars falls on him. Minion 5 gets locked in the containment unit with the ghost and is slammed repeatedly into the walls. Dennis says 12 people died but I don’t have reason to believe that everyone that got tossed about died.

Kill 6: Damon

While he is apparently killed in the struggle to contain the Juggernaut, Kalina reveals later that she set him up. It is unclear how she arranged for his death, but his throat was cut sometime during the confusion.

               Kill 7: Lawyer Most Grimm, Ben Moss

Ben engineers his own death by going downstairs (into a basement he knows is ghost-infested), taunts several spirits (including the very naked Angry Princess), than claims the money that Crazy Old Cyrus paid him to lead innocents to their death. He kinda had it coming. When he takes the briefcase he is approached by the Princess (who didn’t seem thrilled by his comments) bur she never gets a chance to harm him. A sliding glass wall bisects him in half. The only problem I have here is that the wall goes clear through him, and unless the wall was bladed or something it should have pushed and crushed him rather than slicing clean through. Great effect, but the logistics don’t add up.

                Kill 8: Dennis “Shaggy Rogers” Rafkin

In the first and last noble move of his life, Dennis saves Arthur by locking him securely behind the ghost-shield-wall in the corner (not enough room for two) and tries to distract the Hammer. It goes alright (despite the Hammer crushing Dennis’ hand) but when the Juggernaut joins the wrestling match it ends poorly for Dennis. He is wrapped around a metal pole.

                Kill 9: Kalina Oretzia

Score number two for the house. Cyrus realizes that Kalina’s soft side may get in the way of his absolute power, so he betrays her. He tells her to go grab a book while he slips out. When she tried to catch up she gets pinned in the wall and crushed to death. Cyrus barely blinks.

                Kill 10: Cyrus Kriticos

Every great asshole in a horror film gets his comeuppance. Cyrus meets his while several of the spirits lift him up and throw him upon the spinning blades. He explodes and apparently disintegrates. He doesn’t even get any of himself on the children who were 2 feet away. Technically I’m not sure if I should count this one as a kill for the ghosts or the house.

                Overall Breakdown

Total Kills: 10 + 1 random body.

Kills by Juggernaut: 6 (one with the assist by the Hammer)

Kills by Kalina: 1 (done off camera, Juggernaut framed)

Kills by the House: 2 (One aided by Angry Princess, one aided by Cyrus)

Kills by Ghost Coalition 1 (With assist by house)

Conclusion: Don’t live in a obviously dangerous house (even ghost free) and the Juggernaut is a beast.

               Monster Analyzer

            There are a lot of ghosts here so I’ll only touch on them briefly. Each ghost can only be seen through special glasses. The ghosts must obey whatever any spell, written or spoken, compels them to do. Also they seem adverse to a special “quicksilver flare”.

Subject 1: The First Born Son

Wanna Play?

A ghost who died when very young while playing cowboys and Indians. He seems to enjoy walking on walls and ceilings and wields a tomahawk. He intimidates several people, but doesn’t really attack anyone.

Don't Lose Your Head...

Subject 2: The Torso

Ghost of a mafia victim. He doesn’t do much other than look freaky as Hell. He is one of the two ghosts to attack Bobby in the basement.

Subject 3: The Bound Woman

Bondage Ghost...No Me Gusta.

The ghost the lures Bobby to the basement. She is the vengeful spirit of a murdered prom queen. Outside her appearance towards the beginning, she doesn’t show up much.

...Nothing to say here...

Subject 4:  The Withered Lover

Not really a vengeful spirit. She is Arthur’s wife who perished in a fire just before the movie started. She warns Bobby of danger and tries to protect her family.

Hey Batter, Batter...

Subject 5:  The Torn Prince

The Prince gets some action throughout the film. He was a highschool baseball hero in life, and still wields a bat in death. He attacks Dennis, as well as puts the wall-shield to the test.

Subject 6:  The Angry Princess

What Lovely...Knives You Have.

Here is the movie’s fan-service.  She gets more screen time then most other ghosts besides the Jackal and the Juggernaut. She walks around stark naked the entire time, wielding the same knife she killed herself with. She was a beauty queen obsessed with cosmetic surgery in life. She doesn’t kill anyone, but comes close to killing Ben and Kathy.

Subject 7:  The Pilgrimess

Build a Bridge Out of Her!

I’ll give her points as the second creepiest ghost (the Jackal taking the gold), but she doesn’t serve much of a roll. She chases the characters down one hallway and that is the extent of her appearance. Only the Great Child/Dire Mother had less air time. She was accused of witchcraft when she was alive and she does look rather witchy.

What a Lovely Family.

Subject 8 & 9: The Great Child and the Dire Mother

I’m handling these two together as they are always seen, depicted, and referenced as a unit. Both were circus performers in life (the mother was only 3ft tall, the son was some sort of hulk, I believe). They really don’t do anything other than stand at the end of a hallway in one scene and look imposing. The great child carries an axe, but never used it.

Subject 10: The Hammer

Anyone Have a Band-Aid?

The most badass looking ghost, the Hammer is big and imposing. Having a sledge hammer for a hand and many rail-road spike in his body (which he can remove) he is an intimidating beast. He attacks the group on a few occasions and injures Dennis just before the Juggernaut kills him. He was a blacksmith in life.

Subject 11: The Jackal

How Crazy do you have to be before they put your head in a cage?

The freakiest ghost of the bunch, the Jackal is fucking insane. Wearing a straight jacket, his head in a cage, contorted limbs, and beastly claw; the Jackal is a terrifying sight. Pretty sure he was nightmare inducing the first time I saw the movie. He is the first ghost to physically attack the family, nearly killing Kathy. Later he makes another attack, shredding Arthur’s back. The ghost of a maniac who hates all humanity, the Jackal is definitely a highlight of the movie.

Subject 12: The Juggernaut

I'm the Juggernaut, Bitch!

This is the powerhouse that racked up the most kills (only kills by the ghosts other than Cyrus). The Juggernaut is huge and immensely strong. He is capable of throwing cars around and can fold people like laundry. The ghost of a murderer that, despite a superficial resemblance to Lurch, is rather intimidating. He also gets quite a bit of screen time too, which is reflected in his body count.

Conclusion

                Despite the movie not being very frightening, the great ghost effects and excellent mythology make it rather worthwhile. The plot twists were surprising, but seemed a tad random at times, but the film was overall well acted. The problems seemed to stem from trying to use 12 really interesting ghosts in too short of a movie. With all they were trying to squeeze in, it might make a better mini-series. Hell, most of the ghost backgrounds were only in the DVD bonus features rather than in the movie. Overall though, I found the movie rather enjoyable as a quick-paced action movie with horror imagery. Not scary, but still fun to watch.

Lep in the Blog

                For my second critique of the morbid and violent, I have chosen to splash a little color into the school. Namely green and gold…and I’m not making any football references here (although this movie has more than its fair share of cheese). The 1993 horror-comedy Leprechaun is up for review. This movie was the first of six in the franchise, all of which star Warwick Davis. This film is owned by Trimark pictures. Also noteworthy is that this film marks on of the earliest appearances on the screen by Jennifer Aniston…we all gotta start somewhere, I suppose.

                Summary

                Our film opens on our title character (known simply as “The Leprechaun”) walking slowly down some subterranean stairs. Where do these stairs go and why is it relevant to the plot to show him on them? The jury is still out. Anyway he descends with an awkward gait that make me feel that he finds his shoes terribly uncomfortable and/or off balance. Since Mr. Leprechaun is later revealed to be a shoemaker by trade, I’m not sure why he doesn’t make himself some better boots. Or I could be off entirely…maybe it’s the pink pants that chafe. Regardless of his uncomfortable outfit, he descends the stairs to count his gold and rhyme a bit. This is what we are in for, a rhyming monster. After delivery a murderous sounding limerick we cut to the title.

We begin in what is later revealed to be a flashback. Why this wasn’t before the title instead of the other plot crucial scene, I’m not sure. We find an overtly Irish man returning home from Ireland. He fulfills a stereotype or two before there is any dialog in this scene (by downing some hard liqueur) and then he opens his mouth to a fierce Irish accent. His name is Daniel O’Grady (couldn’t find a more stereotypical Irish name other than Patrick O’Riley) and he is just back from his mother’s funeral in Ireland. He is quick to inform his wife that they are now rich! Not from any inheritance (they don’t mention the dead mother much other than to smash an urn that was probably meant for her) but from the gold he got from a leprechaun! His wife immediately assumes he has lost his mind, and offers to go make her poor crazy husband tea. He tries to prove is tale by showing her the gold he got, but his wife is a harsh skeptic indeed.  Despite the fact that the gold is in her hands she still refuses to believe any part of his story (‘Pics or it didn’t happen’ just isn’t good enough anymore).  He runs outside to stash his riches while she goes to make the tea. “Leprechaun Indeed. Pot of Gold indeed.”

After preparing the tea, Mrs. O’Grady hears a voice coming from the other room. She calls out “Daniel? Is that you?” and maybe it is. That is, it might be if Daniel O’Grady sang songs like a little white schoolgirl with no accent. Who knows, maybe he is in a choir somewhere? She approaches a large suitcase that was brought in when Mr. O’Grady got home. A voice from inside asks politely to be let out because she is suffocating…seems legit. She opens the box and out jumps an angry little Leprechaun who demands his crock of gold. As he bursts out the lights go off and Mrs. O’Grady is so badly frightened that she backs away into a doorway to the basement and rolls herself down the stairs, breaking her neck on impact.

Just Chillin'.

Daniel O’Grady returns to his very dark house. He doesn’t seem to notice the lack of lights…or lack of wife at first. The Leprechaun mimics Mrs. O’Grady’s voice to lure the gold thief closer (while finishing getting the tea ready). He walks into the kitchen to find the Leprechaun offering him a spot of tea. He politely asks “Danny-boy” where the gold is. O’Grady runs off to grab his gun; he returns and shoots at the Leprechaun several times. At this point I was unsure if the Leprechaun was bullet-proof or O’Grady’s drunk & grief driven shooting were accurate. He also fetches his four-leaf clover, using it to hold the creature at bay, much like a cross repels a vampire. The evil little faerie flees down the stairs, where he uses Mrs.  O’Grady’s body like a ventriloquist doll, asking to give the gold back to the “nice little leprechaun”. Mr. O’Grady responds with a bullet that actually hits the monster. He puts the body into a crate while the Leprechaun’s voice mocks that he will come back soon. Anybody know the respawn time on a Leprechaun? Apparently it isn’t very long as the crate shakes while O’Grady hammers nails into it (I assume O’Grady wasn’t a handy man as his hammer technique is lacking…the nails seem to vanish as if edited out rather than hammered in). He caps off the crate with the clover which prevents the monster from escaping. He then douses it in gasoline, (“Burn in Hell, you little green bastard!) but suffers a stroke (I thought it was a heart attack, but dialog later corrected me. I guess I’m no doctor) before he can light the match.

We jump to 10 years later (revealing that this misadventure takes place in North Dakota), with Tory Redding driving out to meet her father, J.D., at a farmhouse (the O’Grady farm, I guess no one mentioned what happened to the last owners). J.D. is excited that his daughter came to stay with him…Tory hates the house and wants to stay in a hotel. Tory immediately comes across as an obnoxious rich white girl. She tours the house complaining about the dirt all the while before finally freaking out at a tarantula in the basement and running out of the house to make good on her hotel claim. Note: Tarantulas are not native to North Dakota. She finishes this white girl moment with a rich girl moment. Outside she collides with Nathan Murphy (last name found on Wiki, don’t believe it was stated in film), causing him to spill paint; rather than apologize she tries to pay him off. This girl…seems kinda like a bitch. Nathan, while being an attractive male specimen, calls Tory a scared little girl who can’t handle a little bit of dirt. I’m not sure if it was her feminine pride, her hormones or both that convince her to stay at the house, but either way such behavior could get her into trouble. Meanwhile we are introduced to the rest of the painting crew that J.D. hired; Alex Murphy, Nathan’s younger brother (an Ness’s genetic clone) and his friend Ozzie, who is a few fries short of a happy meal. This is all of the “3 Guys That Paint” company…catchy name. Alex looks to be about 10 years old but acts like a business manager, while Ozzie looks like Chris Farley and acts about 10 years old.

They are like twins...

...separated at birth?

These guys really remind me...

About now I’d like to say that most of the rest of the movie plays out like a live-action Scooby-Doo episode. Hell, even the cast is similar. Nathan is Fred (going so far as to split the group up later), Tory is Daphne, Alex is a cross between Velma and Shaggy (being both smart and childish) and Ozzie is a lot like Scooby.  Anyway Tori begins helping them paint (how they all got neat little paint spots on their arms but nowhere else is a mystery) and I really can’t tell if she hates Nathan or is hot for him. Both her and Nathan wind up in the basement and very nearly bust the Leprechaun out of the crate (even going so far as “Lets open this up and see what’s in here! They did wake him up, however) but they get distracted by noises outside. It seems that Alex forced Ozzie into a smurf impression, and Tory sends him inside to wash off the blue paint. He hears a little girl singing down stairs (my that beast has a lovely singing voice!) and investigates it, talking to himself all the while. At first I wasn’t sure if it was just his character to talk to himself or poor writing, but later most of the characters were caught doing this. Anyway, leave it to the lovable oaf to free the demonic beast from the crate by knocking the clover aside. The Leprechaun bursts out of the crate rhyming, introducing himself as a Leprechaun, a shoemaker by trade, and offering to shine Ozzie’s shoes…if Ozzie tells him if he has seen his gold. If he doesn’t talk he claims he’ll bite his ear off and make a boot out of it…best threat ever. Ozzie runs away, only escaping because the Leprechaun’s powers are weak without his gold.  When he gets the Scooby Gang to go and investigate they find nothing down there and assume Ozzie is making things up again.

...of these guys

They all leave the house and see a rainbow which Ozzie immediately chases after to find the pot of gold, with Alex chasing him to get him back to work. Overt cartoon music heralds the end of the rainbow (which is a battered old truck) and Ozzie finds a gold coin inside. Suddenly a whole bag of coins just appears in the truck! Where did the coins go and how did they get there? I can only assume that Mr. O’Grady is wizard able to magically hide things in other dimensions, otherwise this gold’s magic appearance is rather random. The big guy accidently swallows a piece while trying to test if it was real, while the little kid decides to hide it near the old well and get a piece tested in town. Alex makes Ozzie promise to keep the gold a secret so they can keep the money for an operation to fix Ozzie’s brain. Aww…what a touching moment.

The Only Way To Travel.

Back with our lover/haters, Nathan is giving Tory a painting lesson as if the job required a high degree of skill. Tory leans up against the truck after Nathan wanders off and she feels a hand caress her leg. She assumes it is Nathan until he walks up behind her, but in reality it is just a pervy little Leprechaun. He scratches her leg and runs off into the bushes. Everyone but Tory assumes it was a cat (despite the scratch looking nothing like a cat scratch), and they investigate the bushes. They all hear meowing (that Leprechaun is quite the vocal expert)and  J.D. reaches down a rusted metal can to get the cat. Genius gets a nasty bite taken out of his hand and gets taken to the hospital to treat the “cat bite”. If a bite is bad enough to go to the hospital for, it probably isn’t a cat bite. I’m pretty sure these people have never actually seen a cat in their lives. The Leprechaun, not one to be left behind, finds a tricycle and chases after the truck.

After they check J.D. into the hospital, Nathan and Tory go to a diner while Alex and Ozzie go to get the gold inspected. They leave a piece with the shopkeeper (named Joe, if the sign on the pawn shop is to be believed) and go to join up with the others at the diner. The Leprechaun attacks Joe with a pogo stick (a first for me) and reclaims his coin (he also upgrades his wheels from tricycle to toy car). At the diner Tory is being as much a white girl as ever, revealing that she only drinks bottled water and is also a vegetarian. She then claims that she is just more mature than Nathan (pronouncing it ‘ma-tour’). After the others catch up they eat while the Leprechaun tries to drive back to the farmhouse but is pulled over by Deputy Tripet, a local cop.

They See me Rollin'...

Why the cop is pulling over toy cars, I don’t know. The Leprechaun isn’t very happy with the deputy’s insults and tries to claw his eyes out before chasing him into the woods. After a fatal game of hide and seek, the little fellow begins searching the house franticly for his gold. He ransacks the drawers, opens all the cupboards (noticing the ‘Lucky Clovers’ cereal), and polishing all the shoes. Yes. He takes time to polish every shoe in the house. When everyone returns home to find everything a mess and all the shoes on the table, their best theory is that a bear must have wandered in. A bear. That polished and arranged their shoes so neatly. These are our heroes.

...They Hatin'.

They hear a bell outside and they follow Nathan out to investigate. Nathan steps into a bear trap (where did that come from?) and the Leprechaun finally makes an appearance to the Scooby gang. He tries to put an axe to Nathan, but when that fails he settles for biting him (he is a bitey little bastard). Every one beasts the Leprechaun with rocks or anything else they find until Tory goes for the shotgun. This brilliant move is ruined when she hands it to the guy caught in the bear trap rather than shooting the monster herself. After the Leprechaun flees into the bushes Nathan wastes all the ammo firing blindly after him. Ozzie, meanwhile, is inside informing the authorities that “The Leprechaun is attacking!” so they will send help. The cops only laugh, then the Leprechaun cuts the phone line.

Deciding they need to get Nathan to a hospital they try to leave, only to find that the car isn’t working. The tiniest mechanic of them all goes to fix the problem only to discover that the car is infested with Leprechaun. Alex runs back into the dead car (rather than running away) and the Lep comes in through the windshield, making good on his threat to bite Ozzie’s ear. Nom nom nom. The wee little one then goes to the barn before racing out on a little car armed with a pitch fork. He rams the truck sending it flying…leaving me to assume Leprechaun magic had to be involved. The Scooby gang hides…then they run out into plain sight back to the house. They manage to sever the leprechaun’s hand in the door, but find that he can re-attach severed limbs. This does slow him down long enough for Ozzie to spill the beans on the gold the creature is after; a random scene transition (the only one in the movie) serves as plot exposition for the rest of the cast.

Tory runs out to the well…which is glowing fucking green. How did neither the kids nor the Leprechaun notice that? Anyway, she gets the gold and gives it the “harmless little leprechaun” who rewards her with a kiss and goes on his merry way. Everyone relaxes a moment while the Leprechaun counts his gold…only to discover a missing coin! Deciding he had been tricked he renews his assault by popping out of their refrigerator. They have several more Scooby moments including trying to find the Lep in the cupboards, then trying to shoot him as he rides about on a skateboard. He finally gets shot, but it proves just as effective as usual. Finally Nathan remembers Mr. O’Grady and they decide that he must know how to kill it. Why O’Grady sold a house with a murderous sprite in the basement without ensuring it wouldn’t get out is beyond me. Tory runs for the car while everyone else throws shoes to distract the Leprechaun…and it actually works. Seriously? He seems to have a compulsion to polish every shoe…oookay then.

Despite the Leprechaun hot on her trail in roller-skates, she makes it to the hospital/retirement home/thing. The Leprechaun doesn’t play fair! He runs in fast forward! Tory sneaks past the one inept guard and into the hospital…all the while talking to herself. She makes it to O’Grady’s room only to find the wee little beasty there in his place and she is chased about by a wheelchair-riding fey. She dives into an elevator…only to have O’Grady fall bleeding through the ceiling to deliver the information: A fresh 4-leaf clover will kill it. Then he passes away. How…morbidly convenient.  She then leaves to go back to the farm. What will the staff say about the murder victim she just leaves in the elevator?

She arrives and heads to the clover patch…which is the only green area on this barren farm. Also, why are the clovers glowing green? That is not normal clover behavior. Not to be dealt with so easily, the leprechaun chases her (she trips like the white girl she is) and she finds the dead deputy’s car. She climbs in only to find his body…and a nightstick to defend herself with; which she does by shoving it through the creature’s right eye (always in the God damn eye!) Her screams attract Nathan and Ozzie to her rescue. They all go clover hunting while Alex begins using the bear trap from earlier to try to set a trap to “get that Leppy”. Tory believes her way into finding a clover (seriously, her belief is what found it) while the Leprechaun attacks Alex, almost putting his face into the bear trap. He is saved by Ozzie who reveals that he swallowed the coin, causing the Leprechaun to try to kill him. Alex takes the clover, puts it on a wad of gum (…I don’t know where he got it) and sling shots it at the Leprechaun (“Fuck you, Lucky Charms”). The “Leppy” falls down the old well screaming and apparently a dying leprechaun sounds like thunder. Several green lights fly out of the well (don’t know why, maybe his power is escaping?) while the leprechaun melts like a gremlin in the sunlight.

Severe Allergy to Clovers...

...vs. Severe Sunlight Allergy.

To finish the job they pour gasoline down the well (which is full of water) and toss a match down there. The resulting explosion (yes, explosion) causes a mushroom cloud larger than the farmhouse. As the cops show up, we can hear the Leprechaun’s voice saying he won’t rest until he gets his gold. Huh. Guess he isn’t as dead as first perceived.

Chop Shop

                Kill 1: Mrs. O’Grady

The doubting old Irish woman doesn’t last very long. After freeing the Leprechaun she stumbles backward down a flight of stairs. I give her a 9.5 on her backward somersault, but a 0 on her landing. She snaps her neck, then is used as a puppet to intimidate her husband.

                Kill 2: “Joe” the shop owner

“Joe” has one of the most…unusual deaths in a movie. While analyzing one of the gold coins he is ambushed by the Leprechaun (who bites his leg). Then after berating the shopkeeper that it is “unwise to steal from a leprechaun” the creature grabs a nearby pogo-stick. He bounces continually on “Joe’s” chest…while singing. I noticed that, for some reason, “Joe’s” face gets rather bloodied despite nothing actually happening to his face, but I’ll over look it because the Leprechaun was singing! “This old Lep, he played one, he played pogo on your lung!’

                Kill 3: Deputy Tripet

First of all Deputy Dumbass here is a real winner. Not only does he pull over a toy car, but begins insulting what he thinks is a little kid. Why would a cop tear into what he believes is a little child? Anyway, after calling him “ugly” the leprechaun claws at his face. Tripet then runs off into the woods (instead of to his car) where the Leprechaun engages him in a game of Hide and Seek. Tripet just stands there while he watches the creature vanish and re-appear until he assumes the little beast left. After which he sits down exhausted. He wasn’t running for a while, so I’m not sure what wore him out…though it could have been blood loss. The Leprechaun drops out of the tree and breaks the cop’s neck. Later the cop’s body is seen in his police car (which the lep had been using), and Tory uses his nightstick to defend herself. The leprechaun steals his body’s eye after he gets his own put out by the nightstick.

                Kill 4: Daniel O’Grady

How Mr. O’Grady died, I’m not sure. Then again, I’m not sure how he survived that stroke in scene two. When Tory escapes into an elevator, Daniel’s mostly dead body falls through the roof. He explains how to kill it then promptly dies without fuss.

Overall Breakdown

Total Kills: 4 (only?)

Kills by Leprechaun: 4 (2 by neck snapping, 1 through unknown means, 1 by Pogo Stick)

             Monster Analyzer

Subject: Leprechaun

An evil, selfish faerie that will kill anyone that comes between it and its gold. He is stated at being 600 years old and has a wicked sense of humor. If treated well (i.e. giving him back his gold) he can be persuaded to leave in peace.

Powers: Telekinesis, Voice Mimicry, Sharp Claws & Teeth, Teleportation, Can re-attach severed limbs, immunity to most weapons, ability to move supernaturally quick, other magic not clearly shown (such as empowering his pitchfork car or sending a tiny hand through a phone).

Weaknesses: Severe allergy to 4 leaf clover, powers fade if he has no gold, obsession with polishing shoes.

I wants me gold!