Friday the Sequel

With the sheer amount of sequels horror movies churn out, it was only a matter of time before I got around to reviewing one. I figured my own review “Friday the 1^st” was one of my better written blogs, so I thought it deserved a sequel itself. So I present the review of Friday the 13^th Part 2! It is my full intention to never review a sequel out of order, but that said be warned: I do intend to eventually review the entire ‘Friday’ series. At 11 Movies and 1 cross-over, this will take some time, but I do intend to space them out. This film is owned by Paramount.

Summary

                We open on a mysterious figure walking down the street. The familiar “Chh chh chh ahh ahh ahh” noise is heard…now, let us discuss this noise phenomenon. It was prevalent throughout the first movie (despite me not discussing it much) whenever the killer was near or while looking through the killer’s eyes. First off WHAT is the noise? I have heard many theories, such as it is the killer’s “breathing” but anyone taking such short ragged gasps would be hard presses to stalk anyone. Some suggest that the sounds are words (get get get…out out out, kill kill kill) which you can hear if you try, but seeing as the killer’s are different between the two movies, them having the exact same noise/voice is a stretch. Sounds delightfully creepy and the noise itself is a horror classic…but I really don’t know what it is supposed to mean. According to what I could research, it is supposed to be “ki ki ki…ma ma ma” based on the lines “kill her mommy” from the original, but I just don’t hear that. You be the judge. Ch Ch Ch Ah Ah Ah

                Anyway, sound effects aside, we reveal Alice Hardy (she seems to have grown a last name between the films), the  only survivor of the incident at Camp Crystal Lake. For those who are trying to keep their events straight, it has been two months since the last movie. She is sleeping on her bed (rather than in it) an is either having an orgasm, a nightmare, or both. In truth, she is having a flashback. A rather long flashback. We spend almost six minutes recounting the final scenes of the last movie. Flashbacks huh? I can do that too. This is a Flashback She suddenly awakens rather startled, then her phone rings. After talking to her mother she decides to take a shower. I don’t know what the record is for earliest shower scene (I know Scream has a really early one) but this is up there being within the 10 minute mark. It does hold the record for quickest shower scene, barely lasting 15 seconds (no, you don’t see her, you perverts). She once again demonstrates her ability to sense impending phone calls by stopping her shower early, the phone ringing a second later. This time there is no one on the other end. DUN DUN DUN! Alice, showing that survivability that got her through the last film locks her door and begins checking the windows. She does find one ominously open, but she at least is armed with an ice pick while inspecting it. Satisfied that no one is here, she forgets her shower and begins to boil water for coffee/tea. She opens the fridge and suddenly severed head. By that I mean there is the severed head of Mrs. Voorhees in the fridge. She screams, but has little time to think as someone grabs her from behind and shoves that ice pick through her temple vein. The killer is at least courteous enough to remove the boiling kettle from the stove on his way out. Clearly we are dealing with a Gentleman Killer.

I think my grandfather has that hat...

                The opening credits roll and suddenly it is five years later. With no incidents in the area for so long, an ambitious lad has decided to open a training center for camp counselors on the very same lake as all the murders. Let us just hope that the lessons include Survival 101 and How to Fend Off Murderers. We begin with Sandra Dier (a busty, bushy-haired girl with too much nerve) and Jeff (a blonde pussy-whipped man with the most 80's hat ever) arriving in the town near Camp Crystal Lake. After a brief run in with our favorite Doom Predictin’ Messenger from God (yes, Ralph is back!) they get ahold of their friend Ted. Ted (a ginger prankster who’s voice reminded me of Yogi Bear) directs them to the camp. Despite an ominous tree left in the middle of the road, they all reach camp safely. Please note, if you believe you are in a horror film, never ever cross over a ominous tree that blocks the road. Someone is trying to keep you away…for good reason.

Terry. For sexy time.

                At the camp we are quickly treated to a semi-roll call where they conveniently only list important characters. We meet Paul Holt (the annoying man who runs the place), Terry (a girl with a dog who exists only for sex appeal), Mark ( a wheel-chair bound strong man), Vicki (a girl with the hots for wheelchair bound men), and Scott (an obnoxious prankster who is stalking Terry). Arriving late to the meeting (to Paul’s annoyance) is Ginny Field, his girlfriend (a perky blonde child psychologist). After meeting this cast I feel that I have learned something from this movie already; Girls in the 80’s never wore bras. Life lessons.

                Once night falls, Paul begins telling ghost stories around the campfire. In particular, he tells the legend of Jason. A boy who grew up wild after everyone thought he drowned. After witnessing his mother’s death he went crazy and to this day he will kill anyone who enters his camp ground. Ted then jumps out with a spear and scares everybody. Good times. The tales of Camp Blood get Sandra all hot and bothered to check it out, but Jeff isn’t so interested. After the fire breaks up everyone parties in the cabin. Paul loses to Ginny in chess, Sandra and Jeff dance, Mark arm wrestles men while Vicki fawns over him, Ted plays video games, and Scott strikes out with Terry (and her dog). Eventually Ginny returns to her cabin (followed by Paul for Sexy-time), where they are watched ominously by…Ralph? What you doin’, you creeper? However, Ralph ‘watching over them’ was in vain for he forgot to watch out for himself. Someone (Jason, if you didn’t assume by now) behind a tree catches poor Ralph with a barbed-wire garrote across his neck. Ralph, the messenger of God, has gone to a better place.

Camp. Still Serious Business.

                The next day after completing several training exercise (all the while being followed by the echoing “Ki ki ki” noises) the group goes for a swim in the lake. Everybody but Jeff and Sandra, anyway. Sandra is still determined to see Camp Blood, despite Jeff’s protests. Finally, he gives in and follows her boobs to the neighboring camp. Thankfully for them, all they find is a mutilated animal and local law enforcement. Officer Winslow escorts them back to camp and yells at Paul for a while before taking off. This isn’t the end of Officer Winslow however, he lasts five more minute. After seeing ‘someone’ run into Camp Crystal Lake, he chases after them. He is pretty spry for an old fat man. He chases the man into a strange shack in the woods. While exploring the shack, he takes a hammer to the back of the head after finding something disturbing…something we don’t get to see yet.

Screaming into the camera. Always helps.

                Back at the other camp, Paul is taking most of the crew out for a night on the town. Himself, Ginny, Ted and all the extras leave  camp, leaving all the other named characters behind. Terry separates from the group to continue her role as ‘primary fan-service agent’. She heads to the lake for a late night skinny dip. After some gratuitous nudity Scott steals her clothes, forcing her to chase after him. However he runs straight into a trap, causing him to hang upside down by his leg. Terry goes to find something to cut the pervert down with, but arrives too late. Jason slits Scott’s throat with a machete while he hangs there. Terry returns to cut him down (with a dinky pocket knife) but is most startled to find him rather dead. She breaks into a screaming fit, before turning and screaming into the camera. Apparently Jason was that way and he silences her…but we don’t get to see it. We do see her body turn up later, but no evidence on how she died.

Since when does the Oliver Twist look get you laid?

                Meanwhile, at the bar Ginny gives her psychological profile on Jason while everyone laughs at her. Funny how accurate she is. Back with our other illustrious counselors, two things are happening. Jeff and Sandra are having sex, and Vicki and Mark are getting ready to have sex. Everyone has their hobbies…or the same hobby really. Well, details, I suppose. Upstairs Jeff seduces Sandra with a harmonica (shrug) and they begin doing their thing; downstairs Vicki leaves to prepare for sexin’ with the wheelchair-bound Mark. It begins to rain, as is traditional when murder is happening at Crystal Lake. Thinking he hears Vicki, Mark goes outside to investigate but is caught off guard by someone lobbing a machete into his face. That’s right. Jason throws a bladed weapon at the guy in a wheelchair. Overkill much?

                As Mark is busy dying, Jeff and Sandra just finish up their sex. We finally get half a look at Jason (all we see is a big man in overalls so far) as he grabs a spear and ascends the stairs to reach the bedroom. He slips into the room and…I think you can guess where this is going. They get skewered together while he is still on top of her. Back at the bar Paul and Ginny decide to head back while Ted and the extras decide to party on.

                While they are en route, Vicki arrives back at the cabin hoping for hot wheelchair sex. Finding no one around she goes upstairs to check on Jeff and Sandra. It looks as though they are asleep in bed, so Vicki pulls back the covers to reveal Sandra’s corpse…in bed with a knife-wielding killer. Jason is sporting a burlap flour sack over his face with a single eyehole (hockey-mask doesn’t appear until part 3) and…wait wait wait…back that up. Jason was laying in bed with a dead naked lady…and everyone is…okay with that? Jason lonely…ahem. Jason slashes Vicki in the leg, then quickly makes a second stab in the stomach.

Oh hai thar.

                With no one left alive in camp, our attention returns to Paul and Ginny as they arrive. Cavalry seems to be a bit late. They quickly realize something is wrong when they find no one around (the bloody sheets are a good give-away too). They slowly search of an explanation which they finally receive when Jason tries to spear Paul. They struggle a bit before Jason chokes Paul into unconscious land. Ginny runs for her life as Jason chases her with a pitchfork. Yeah, no idea where he found that. Ginny makes it to her car but, like any car in this situation, it refuses to start. She knocks big Jay over with her car door than runs unseen into a cabin where she hides under the bed. Seriously, girl? Under the bed? Every killer always looks there! Jason enters and looks around…but somehow misses her under the bed. Unbelievable. More unbelievable is what happens next; a mouse appears and walks up to Ginny. And the mouse being this close to her face causes her to piss herself. Our heroine, ladies and gentlemen. Maniac? Okay. Dead friends? Alright. Mouse in face? Dam breaks now. Whut. Anyway, Jason notices…liquid coming from under the bed and well, he finds her.

                This time she goes on the offensive! She dodges his pitchfork and pulls a chainsaw from the closet. Yep. Chainsaw. To be fair, we saw someone put it there earlier so it wasn’t as random as Jason’s pitchfork. She cuts him in the arm before breaking her chainsaw, but manages to break a chair over him too.  Thinking him dead (why?), she flees into the woods. She somehow (no idea how; just magic, I guess) she finds Jason’s home. Also Jason followed her here, not being as dead or unconscious as Ginny hoped. She bars the door and looks for a place to hide. She finds no hiding spot, but instead finds a pile of bodies and the shrine to the mummified head of Jason’s mother. Note that this doesn’t make her pee either. She gets the brilliant idea of using her child psychology on Jason just as he breaks in with a pickaxe...no idea where he got that either. She puts on Mrs. Voorhees’ sweater and pretends to be his mother (calling him by his name and saying things like ‘mommy is proud’). Jason is mentally unstable enough for this to work and she almost tricks him into letting her kill him with a machete but he figures it out just before she can.

                Jason gives her leg a nasty gash with his pickaxe , but then Paul rushes in to the rescue! Wait…how did he find the little shack in the woods? Did he just randomly get lucky or did he follow his hormones to his woman? Unsure. Anyway, he renews his battle with Jason. He fairs about as well as last time, but this time Ginny goes in for the slow-motion kill. She buries the machete about six inches into his neck/shoulder. He falls over, hopefully dead. Ginny unmasks him, but the camera doesn’t show his face. They return to a cabin to bandage Ginny up, but are interrupted when Jason bursts through a window and grabs her. His face is a cross between unshaved hillbilly on his left, and bald deformed baby on his right. The camera cuts away and Ginny awakens the next morning to an ambulance. Jason is nowhere to be seen…but Paul is gone too. The end.

Chop Shop

Kill 1: Alice Hardy

Good job surviving the first movie, Alice! Too bad you don’t escape the opening scene of the sequel. There isn’t too much she could have done to save herself really…you can’t account for large men sneaking into your house out of the blue. Jason snuck up on her and shoved an ice pick through her skull. Simple, yet effective.

Kill 2: Ralph, the Messenger of God

Another survivor from the first movie, Jason seems to be cleaning up after his mother. Ralph is strangled with barbed wire…not a pleasant looking way to go. I’m really going to miss him.

Kill 3: Officer Winslow

Rawr!

After having the biggest workout the chubby officer seems to have in a while he arrives at Jason’s house in the woods. He doesn’t stay long before getting ‘nailed’. I suppose it is more accurate to say he was hammered…to the back of his head…with the claw end. His face was pretty good here.

Kill 4: Scott the Pervert

While just hanging around after sexually harassing Terry (can’t blame him. She is so blatant she is on the verge of harassing herself throughout the movie) he happens to meet a nasty fate. First he stepping into a snare trap which hoisted him into the air, upside down, then he was left alone to hang. Jason, never one to pass by opportunity, walks up behind him and lightly drags his machete across Scott’s neck.

Kill 5: Terry the Sex

Terry spent half the movie walking around with only half a shirt and hot pants before stripping down and swimming naked. It was only a matter of time before she was killed in an older horror movie. Her death, however, only entails her screaming into the camera. This series is having a disappointing number of off screen deaths.

Kill 6: Mark and his chair

Mark, hoping for some Vicki-sex goes outside to look for her. The suddenly he has a knife in his face. Ok. Fine, but do you really need to throw something at a wheelchair-bound man? Can’t you just walk up to him? Sure he was a strong guy, but it isn’t like he can roll away easily at a camp ground. Was it too much effort to walk over to him that you had to throw a machete at him? Sheesh.

Kill 7 & 8: Sandra Dier and Jeff

This kill entertains me. It really does. Poetic, really. After a rigorous bout of sex, Jeff lays in afterglow on Sandra. Jason slips into the room with a spear and penetrates them both…symbolism? Perhaps so. Favorite kill of the movie.

Kill 9: Vicki the one with the Wheelchair fetish

A simple straightforward death for a simple straightforward girl. Two slashes with a knife and she is down for the count. Nothing to write home about, but much better than another off-camera kill.

Kill 10: Paul Holt

Was unsure whether to count this or not. Paul is gone when Ginny awakens, probably died saving her. The film crew confirmed he is dead, but no idea on how it happened. Another off camera kill.

Overall Breakdown

Total Kills: 10 (all by Jason see below for specifics)

Creature Analysis

This ‘creature’ analysis is a bit different. Since Jason grows stronger and more supernatural as the series progresses, this will need to be updated each movie. These are his current standings. Also I’ll list his total body count as well as how many times he uses each bit of hardware.

Subject: Jason Voorhees

Powers: Great strength, amazing stamina, able to hide in wooded areas, ability to wield any piece of hardware.

Weakness: Easily confused. Definitely a momma’s boy.

Jason Voorhees is a very stealthy for a man of his size and is very hard to beat in an upfront fight. He is proficient with a wide variety of weaponry and has a nasty tendency to always get back up. He seems very resistant to pain as well. While not the brightest murderer, his tenacity and unpredictability usually see him through.

Kill Tally:

Barbed Wire-1

Hammer-1

Ice Pick- 1

Knife-1

Machete-2

Pickaxe-0

Pitchfork-o

Spear-1

Unknown-2

TOTAL VICTIMS- 10

Conclusion:

While the ‘Friday’ series isn’t the most artful, they are a fun look back at horror movies of the past. Jason is an enjoyable villain and the over-the-top nature of the kills (and killer) make the film rather than detract. While not cinema gold, I find this movie entertaining to watch.

Thank you all for reading and please recall that I do requests for reviews also. E-mail them to Cyberchicken@live.com . 

Good day.

Not infected? Not infected?!

                Alright everybody, settle down. I knew one of these would come up, and I knew it would be a tricky beast to review. I took a smaller scale one as a practice before I move into anything more complicated, seeing as my normal analysis style doesn’t mesh perfectly here. I’m finally reviewing a zombie movie. For the most part I won’t have to change up much, but the Chop Shop and Overall Breakdown sections need to be tailored to work for these kinds of movies. Where do I draw the line for body count if there are hundreds of zombies? Do I count them all or just the people they kill? Do I count zombie deaths like I have counted monster and animal ones? Well, the bigger the outbreak the more loose I have to be, it seems. Here is the zombie review decisions:

1.       Count as many kills as possible. Focus on main characters or memorable deaths, but try to mention as many as I can.

2.       Do not count zombies already running around in the body count, only zombies created onscreen or from characters. If a zombie is created from an actual character off screen; count the death.

3.       Don’t count number of zombies killed. It is impossible to try to fathom for larger movies. Instead I’ll try to mention a ‘Zombie Outbreak’ size in the overall breakdown to estimate how many there were.

4.       Creature analyze zombies from separate movies. Zombies are often portrayed differently.

5.       Count the horde’s kills as one creature rather than chocking up to individual zombies.

       Anyway, most of these guidelines won’t be entirely necessary for this review due to the smaller, more manageable nature. That said, it still boasts the highest kill count to date. I’m reviewing Quarantine here today. First off, I’d like to make note that they never actually say that the ‘infected’ are zombies, instead playing up a more disease based theme similar to 28 Days Later. However, unlike the infected in that movie, these infected behave more like traditional (albeit fast) zombies. My main reason for assuming zombies is based on the resilience of the infected. Several get back up after being dealt lethal wounds (being shot, dropped 4 floors off a ledge, etc). Many characters mentioned that some of the people were ‘going to die without immediate help’ before they got up and ran around biting people (the wounded people biting people, not the characters talking about it. Ahem). This film is based on ‘Rec’, a Spanish horror film. I have not yet seen the original, so I shall judge this version on its own merits. This movie is owned by Screen Gems. This intro is much longer than I wanted, please bear with me.

Summary

                We open on a reporter type character, Angela Vidal, being filmed by her camera man Scott Percival. I forgot to mention that this is a first-person movie, so we are usually looking through Scott’s camera. Anyway, Angie is the host of ‘The Night Shift’. As far as I can tell, ‘The Night Shift’ is one of those reality shows you watch when you are sick at home, alone, with a high fever. I personally never saw the appeal of shows that follow people on their jobs…but this one follows them at night so clearly that makes it more interesting. If their night shifts are anything like mine, I can’t see why anyone would film it. Back on topic, our intrepid duo is standing outside a fire department. They are going to be shadowing some firefighters in an attempt to bring in the ratings. They are just in time for a truck to leave, and Angie takes a moment to wish they could have been on it (how right she is). Angela and Scott begin the tour of the fire station with Bob the fire chief who blatantly informs us that 85% of the calls they go out on are medical. I found that informative myself, but when the film’s title is ‘Quarantine’ we can assume that shit is going to go down. He introduces our team to Jake and Fletcher, the trusty pair of firefighters that our heroes get to follow. Jake (one of the few characters without a last name) is a nice guy, and fairly attractive. He has the makings of a possible romantic interest. George Fletcher (first name never said on camera) is kinda (and by ‘kinda’ I mean really) an asshole. His other selling point is that he is a beast more mustache than man.

Dat 'Stache

                Main characters established, we continue our firehouse tour. The movie does a good job seeming like a standard reality show and is humorous enough to keep attentions. After a bet, some pole sliding, and a steamy shower scene (ever see a fireman’s hose?) we are finally ready to get on with the movie. A call comes in and our team hops the nearest fire truck and races to the scene. They re-emphasize that this is probably a medical call. As they race on to save lives they pass the tense ride the only way they know how: Ogling chicks they pass on the road. Our heroes, ladies and gentlemen. They pull up to an apartment building (Fletcher still mocking the situation) and follow the landlord and two cops inside. The story is than an elderly woman, Mrs. Espinoza, was heard ‘screaming bloody murder’ in her apartment but now there is no answer from her at all. The landlord was nervous so he called the police. Our two firemen, joined by two policeman, work together to break down her door and find her standing in the middle of the room, growling, drooling some fluid, and covered in blood. I may not be an expert, but that doesn’t seem to me like standard old people behavior. She seems panicked, incoherent, with a severe aversion to bright lights and loud noises…that sounds more like a normal old person.  However, she isn’t a normal old person at all. In fact she illustrates this point by taking a bite out of Officer James McCreedy’s neck (name only available in credits). The team hurries the wounded officer downstairs while Fletcher subdues Mrs. Espinoza with his ‘molestache’.

Ah! Old People!

                They transport the injured man downstairs in hopes of getting him outside to an awaiting ambulance, but unfortunately for them they seem to be locked inside the building. The other officer, Danny Wilensky begins to try to radio out for an explanation while the buildings doctor…er…veterinarian looks after the wounded man. Receiving little answer, Jake, Danny, and Yuri (the landlord) try to go out the back door through a fabric shop. They don’t quite get the chance to check that route before Fletcher falls from about 2 or 3 floors up, landing square on his ‘stashe. Distracted from their whole escaping thing, Officer Danny and Fireman Jake run up the stairs to find the old woman who overpowered the mighty mustache of Fletcher, but not before giving specific instructions to the film crew to stay downstairs. One transition later and the camera is climbing the stairs. Angie and Scott don’t seem good at the whole following directions thing. They try to take a look into Mrs. Espinoza’s apartment when they hear sounds coming from within. Moments later an unnamed cleaning woman runs around the corner screaming, bounces off a wall, breaks a table (and possibly her neck) and falls over dead. Before we have time to process what the fuck just happened the Fire-police duo rushes in to investigate. Mrs. Espinoza also reappears, this time crazed and covered in blood. She shrieks and runs at the team before Danny (a lot of Danny and Daniels in horror films…) puts three bullets in her and she falls dead. After being traumatized for life, Angela asks the important questions…”Did you get that?” Seems to be her catch phrase.

                Jake goes around organizing all the residents and bringing them all down to the atrium floor. Here is a quick team role call of all relevant people.

• Angela Vidal the increasingly annoying reporter.
• Scott Percival the Camera Man.
• Jake the lovable Fireman.
• Danny Wilensky the angry black Policeman.
• Yuri Ivanov the Landlord with a cool accent.
• Wanda Ivanov the Landlady without an interesting personality.
• Lawrence, the veterinarian turned people doctor.
• Bernard, the Orchestra teacher who also has a cool accent.
• Sadie, Bernard’s best student (who seems to have a fling with him).
• Kathy, an obnoxiously overprotective mother.
• Briana, the obnoxiously overprotected little girl who seems to have a slight cold.
• Nadif, the non-english speaking black man.
• Jwahir, the non-english speaking black woman.
• Randy, the drunk lawyer, even more of an asshat than Fletcher.
• Elise Jackson, a woman that seems even sicker than Mrs. Espinoza…oh, it’s probably not serious.
• And the bleeding bodies of Fletcher and Officer McCreedy.

                Got all that? Anyway, now that everyone is accounted for Jake and Danny (followed by our camera crew) recall the whole escaping thing and try to go out through the connected fabric store. Their efforts are thwarted when men with guns insist that they stay inside. Right about now our trapped team begins to realize that something may, in fact, be really very wrong here. They are informed that all exits are sealed and they also notice that the cable, radios and cellular phones are no longer working. Also they hear rumors that this might be a BNC (biological, nuclear, chemical threat). This does wonders to calm the panicky group. Yuri decides to lead another escape attempt, with our camera crew and Jake tagging along. It goes as well as the other ones…meaning they get the business end of a gun shoved at them. Angela does not handle this well, having her first of many annoying panic attacks, while Officer Danny shows up and flies into an ALL CAPS RAGE at them for disobeying his orders. During his RAGE he even ends up pulling a gun on our friendly news and fire crew. Someone needs to take up yoga or some meditation if he is going to stay on the force…I think this guy is the leading cause of police brutality. He flipped out way to easily…the shit hasn’t even hit the fan yet.

I"M THE POLICE! YOU HAVE TO DO WHAT I SAY!

                Everyone returns downstairs at the suggestion of Officer Friendly. The team moves the wounded Fletcher and McCreedy as well as the sick Elise Jackson into the fabric store area and lay them down on some tables so that the vet can try to doctor them. It seems that both men have lost a lot of blood (due to Espinoza biting them) and that Fletcher has a broken leg (nice job on the look of the leg) and probably is bleeding internally. Angela tries to calm the residents by conducting little interviews of them. Little Briana (and her over protective mother) get the most coverage, with Briana telling how she isn’t feeling good (foreshadow foreshadow). The interviews are interrupted by the approach of Fletcher’s mustache. He lumbers into view on a leg that is painfully obviously broken. I say painfully because you can almost feel the pain of walking on that leg. He growls a bit while scaring the residents before being subdued by Dr. McVeterinarian. At this point the doctor does have a theory: These people must have rabies!  All the symptoms are present in not just both Fletcher and Officer McCreedy, but in Elise Jackson too. The only difference is that while rabies takes months for symptoms to show, this Super-Rabies takes only minutes.

                Outside the makeshift operating room, Randy the Alcoholic is busy being belligerent to the policeman, demanding to be allowed to return to his apartment. This allows enough of a distraction for our camera team to follow Bernard and Sadie as they sneak away to check the news in their apartment on an old “rabbit-ear” style television. I had no idea that people even knew what those were anymore. They slink up the stairs only to be cornered by an infected (and angry) dog. Things look bad until the elevator opens and Randy the Drunk walks calmly out. His sense of calm is dispelled by the presence of the angry dog and he flees back to the elevator. The dog chases him down and savages him as the elevator door closes, locking the dog in. Their way clear, the team reaches the TV set. Channel 8 news comes in rather snowy, but informs them that the apartment building has been evacuated and everyone is safe…wait a minute…but before they can process this information, the power goes out.

I'm just going for a leisurely stroll...

                Elise suddenly charged into the room, shrieking, and biting, and ready for her close up. Scott the cameraman gives her the close up in what has got to be one of my favorite moments in a horror film. He beats the infected/rabid/zombified woman to death with his camera…in first person glory. A…unique perspective to a kill. Scott is freaked out by the whole “I just killed something with my camera” thing,  but he handles it better than most. He wipes his camera clean while collecting himself, which is all well and good, but we see something behind him. Something is moving upstairs and it looks like either Ms. Espinoza or Elise…both of whom should be dead. The reconvene back downstairs and get word that the CDC (center for disease control) is going to come soon to check things out. In the mean time they take roll call, noting that the only residents unaccounted for are Briana’s father (who is outside), Nadif and Jwahir’s 80 year old paralytic father, and a man from Boston who lives in the attic (whom has been seen in months).

                The CDC sends two men in to check things out. They order the camera turned off, but instead we are treated to several shots of the floor while pretending it is off. The CDC, Lawrence, Jake, and Danny examine the injured behind closed doors. Angela and Scott try to spy, only to be turned away. They then continue to prove their inability to listen by moving to a different room and spying by lifting the camera to peer through a window near the ceiling. They watch as the CDC conduct some gruesome tests involving Fletcher’s head and a drill. Not to be outdone, Fletcher responds by sitting up and sinking his mustache into CDC member 1’s neck. Panic ensues with everyone fleeing the room except for Lawrence whom is bitten while pleading to be let out of the room. The infected Lawrence begins to beat down the door, so they flee out of the fabric shop/hospital and back into the apartment complex, closing the metal shutters while they flee. Danny and Jake demand answer’s from CDC member 2, who reveals that it was a dog from this apartment that led them here. A very rabid dog that belonged to little Briana, whom apparently is just a little rabid herself.

Is there a movie where little girls aren't creepy?

                Briana bites her mother (causing me to have Night of the Living Dead flashbacks) then runs upstairs. Her bleeding mother tries to block people from chasing her while encouraging Briana to run. I blood is thicker than…blood…hmm. I need a better proverb here. Anyway, Cathy is handcuffed to the stairs while Jake, Danny, and the camera crew go hunting for the tiny little infected girl. The first thing they find is that Ms. Espinoza’s body isn’t where they left it (the body that was shot three times, mind you) but they are more concerned about finding the young girl. Angela spots her in the Espinoza’s closet, and Danny tries to gently remove her. Briana responds by gently tearing his throat out. Jake, Scott, and Angela flee, but are jumped by Espinoza. Jake removes her from the path with a sledge hammer (which I am not sure where he was carrying. He might have had it in his off hand, but I didn’t see it until just now). They run back downstairs only to find everyone running upstairs. The dead CDC member has almost broken through the metal shutter. They try to reclose it, but can’t out muscle the zombies so they run upstairs. Angela has a moment of conscious and tries to free Cathy (who is still handcuffed) but is unable to before Scott forced her up the stairs. The zombie McCreedy charges in to feast on Cathy.

                The rest of the movie is chaos of running, screaming and panic, but I’ll try my best here. Also I will say that for the rest of the film that Angela is hysterical. Hysterically hysterical. Hysterical to the point of causing the audience to wish her physical harm. Realistic? Yes, rather. Good cinema? For accuracy, yes; for being able to sympathize with the lead character, no. Most of the non-infected residents run upstairs and hide in one of the apartments. Angela, Scott, Jake, Yuri, Wanda, Bernard, and Sadie all made it there unharmed…or so they claim. The CDC Guy 2 is here too, whimpering in a closet. He, however admits to being bitten. Not sure exactly when this bite would have happened, but it is likely to have occurred while trying to keep the shutter closed downstairs. The only unaccounted for are the Nadif and Jwahir. They do not appear again until they show up looking rather zombified, but it is unclear what actually happened to them. I assume they ran to get their paralytic father and were bitten thereabout.

                Anyway, While they lock the CDC in the next room, Angela notices that Sadie was lying. She was bit. Unlike the CDC guy, I have no idea when this bite could have occurred. Perhaps she had a random encounter with one of the wandering zombies they left on the upper levels. Who knows? Yuri suggests killing her to protect themselves, but Bernard will have none of it. He freaks out and tries to escape out the window, but his attempt is thwarted when a sniper scores a headshot on him. The snipers keep shooting and everybody panics…everybody but Yuri. He has an idea to escape through the sewers using an old access in the basement. After they get the keys from his apartment. Before they can go, however,  the CDC Guy 2 turns and he grabs and mauls Yuri. Yuri’s wife tries to help him only to be glomped by the freshly turned Sadie-Zombie. Wow…5 deaths in one room.

                Our three survivors escape to the hall and head to Yuri’s apartment (while dodging several attempts by the horde to eat them). They finally make it to Yuri’s place as Angela gets frustratingly freaked out. She keeps begging for the light to be on her. Please note: Being in the light in most situations like these is not a safe thing to want. If the light is on you, things can see you. Things that want to eat you. Despite this she spends the rest of the film begging to be put in the spot light. Sigh. Somehow, Spazzy manages to find the keys, so all that’s left is to run down the stairs and get to the basement. No sooner than they make a break for it than Jake is sacked by Zombie-Yuri and he is eaten in a very messy fashion. Our two survivors run, but find the stairs down covered with evil dead so they run upstairs instead.

Behold! Demon-baby!

                They reach the room on the top floor and find it filled with suspicious things. Animal cages, research notes, newspaper clippings about doomsday cults, a tape recorder containing creep-ass demonic chanting. Just your typical bachelor pad. While searching for a place to hide they find an entrance to the attic. Scott still has some wits about him and rather than blindly climbing upstairs he instead raises the camera to inspect it first. It slowly pans around…all looks safe…then all of a sudden a creepy demon-baby bats the camera away! Um…what? I’m not sure if demon-baby is infected or not, but while creepy he is largely unexplained. The camera hits the ground breaking the light, but Scott is able to turn on the night vision. Night vision shots are always creepy as sin and these are no exception.

                Suddenly we hear noises. The camera pans to reveal that Gollum has come out of the attic to investigate. Well, the creepy gaunt (infected?) guy looks a lot like Gollum. We are led to believe that this guy developed the super-rabies (I think) but seems to have suffered some bad effects himself. Anyway, Gollum really doesn’t investigate so much as he goes about his business getting some food. This scene I have some problems with. If Gollum didn’t hear Angie freaking out or Scott yelling he must be deaf. Also Gollum seems to be able to operate rather well in the dark; good enough to act like he can see…yet he cannot see our heroes. Unless he has perfectly memorized the incredibly messy layout of his home (seemingly an impossible task) he is able to see…just not Angie or Scott. Oh well. Also, turns out he can hear…as Scott bumps a table. Gollum lunges at him, knocking the camera away and begins to eat him. So…semi-blind and sorta-deaf. Bah.

Yesss...preciousssssssssss....

                To finish it off Angie recovers the camera and points it at Gollum…and suddenly he can see her in the dark! He charged her an kinda slaps her around until she drops the camera. She hits the ground but seems to have escaped. She crawls toward the camera trying to recover it…when Gollum creeps up behind her and drags her away. The end!

Chop Shop

I’d like to state that it is incredibly difficult to timeline all the deaths in this film, but shall do my best.

                Kill 1: Ms. Espinoza

The one that started all the biting. I mention her as ‘kill 1’ because she seemed more or less alive when she was first encountered. I believe she succumbed to the illness for her actual means of death, while her zombie was shot 3 times, then beaten with a sledge hammer.

                Kill 2: Unnamed Cleaning Lady

The one person in the building who dies without becoming infected. She dies fleeing from Ms. Espinoza before tripping, crashing into a table, and then breaking her neck. Never stood a chance.

                Kill 3 & 4: Officer McCreedy and Fireman Fletcher

These two spent most of the film being injured together so I present them together. McCreedy was injured first, being bitten by Espinoza. While everyone was attending to him, Fletcher was bitten then dropped over the railing. Fletcher was the first of the pair to go full zombie, however.

                Kill 5: Randy the Asshole Lawyer

After belligerently refusing to remain with the group, Drunky the drunk takes the elevator back to his apartment. However, when he exits the elevator he attracts the attention of a crazed infected rabid demon zombie dog. As he nobly flees for his life, he lures the beast away from the protagonists; saving them from a gory fate. A fate he receives as the elevator doors close the dog in with him.

                Kill 6: Elise Jackson, AKA the Sick Lady

I’m not sure when she finally succumbed to the disease, seeing as she was sick the whole time she was on camera, but she expired at some point. Her role really begins after her death as she becomes one of the first indications that the disease’s murderous tendencies are spreading. He death itself was off camera, but her first appearance as a zombie resulted in her being beaten to “death” with the camera we are watching through. Although she still runs around eating people later I still wanted to mention this “death” here. It was beautiful. Her zombie state (the eyes, teeth skin) was terrifying and having it repeatedly bouncing off your viewpoint was rather original. I loved this scene.

                Kill 7:CDC Guy 1

While doing tests on the bodies, the CDC Guy 1 is viciously attacked by Fletcher’s zombie mustache. Taking a mustache that obscene to the throat must have been instantly fatal.

                Kill 8: Dr.  Lawrence McVeterinarian

One of the more helpful members met his death just after the first CDC Guy. His was remarkable in that while happening largely off camera, we see his silhouette (which is locked in with the infected) begging to be let out. He wasn’t bitten (yet) but had been locked in and the CDC Guy 2 was too panicked to let him out for fear of infection. He was mauled shortly thereafter. A rather haunting death.

                Kill 9: Briana

Another one who was sick from the outset, she finally succumbed just as things are heating up. I will say that this girl must have had one Hell of an immune system, as her symptoms were rather minimal. That is until she tried to tear out her mother’s jugular with her teeth. She becomes rather active after turning and is one Hell of a creepy little zombie.

                Kill 10: Danny-boy the cop

Chock up another jugular bite for little Briana. There is a lesson to be learned here; If you catch up to the homicidal little zombie child you are chasing, DO NOT TAKE YOUR EYES OFF HER OR SHE’LL EAT YOU. Or, alternatively, do not chase zombie children.

Kill 11: Kathy

As mentioned in the last kill, her neck was bitten by the little girl. This means infection, so I could just write her off then, but I will go on to place her kill later as she died before simply succumbing to her neck wound. Her vitals ceased functioning due to being eaten alive by a zombie cop while still handcuffed to the stairs. I may have disliked her character, but it was still a rough way to go.

                Kill 12 & 13:Nadif, & Jwahir

All bitten off camera at somepoint. Probably in the mass confusion when the dead really start running around. Your guy’s guess as to what actually happened is as good as mine. I picture Nadif & Jwahir dying together while trying to help their father (who I assume is dead too)

                Kill 14: Bernard

After Sadie reveals a bite on her hand, Bernard freaks out. His best escape idea he comes up with under the pressure is to open a window,  grab a knife and use it to cut through the “disease shield” plastic thing to escape. He opens his escape route then BOOM. HEAD SHOT.

Kill 15 & 16: Sadie & CDC Guy 2

People keep dying in pairs. Both Sadie and CDC Guy 2 revealed bite wounds about the same time and both bites occurred about the same time (and both off camera). Makes sense that they would turn zombie at about the same time too. Not much to remark on.

                Kill 17: Yuri the helpful landlord

Yuri must have been an escape artist in another life. He suggested about three different routes for escape. Just as he revealed his last one however (he probably would have come up with more if he lasted longer) the CDC Guy 2 busted out of his holding room and strangled Yuri, then bit his throat. I will say the blood seemed a touch off here. Looked like he started bleeding before the bite, while he was just being throttled.

                Kill 18: Wanda the wife

While Yuri is preoccupied with dying his loyal wife Wanda tries desperately to save him. Unfortunately, no one was watching Sadie and she went zombie while no one was looking. She pretty much tackles Wanda and begins chewing on her.

                Kill 19: Fireman Jake

Jake had a good long run. He kicked a lot of zombie ass..with a sledge hammer none the less. While trying to lead the final escape attempt he is ambushed by Zombie-Yuri and is pretty much torn apart. I really thought he was going to make it to the end too. Very messy end that caught me off guard.

                Kill 20: Cameraman Scott

Scott was slapped around by Gollum at the end, making him drop his camera. While Angela picks it up it shows that our emaciated villain is munching happily on Scott’s body. Scott would have had a chance if Gollum had just stayed blind and/or deaf.

                Kill 21: Angela

While we don’t see her actual death, it can be largely assumed. As annoying as she got, I will say watching her being dragged away at the end was…unsettling at best. The only problem I had was they showed this scene during the previews for the movie. They spoiled the last fucking scene!  ScreenGems should be banned from making their own trailers.

                Misc:
Also killed were 1 (maybe 2) dogs, 1 rat, and a paralyzed old man.

                Monster Analyzer

The Infected

...another purdy mouth.

Super-rabies carrying zombies. I still stand by them being undead due to the amount of punishment they take. I don’t think any stayed down other than the Lawyer who was eaten by the dog. They are fast zombies, that scream to high Hell. They are immune to any form of pain and even fire arms only seem to temporarily stop them. They do seem to be able to be knocked out, however, but they always get back up. Their teeth easily tear flesh and they seem unnaturally strong (an old woman overpowered a fireman for example). Their blood and saliva carry their infection.

                Conclusion

I highly enjoyed this movie. I generally like first-person films and this is no exception. I thought most scenes and effects were handled rather well. I only wish they had expounded upon the cause of the disease a bit more; more exposition in the attic would have been nice. Showing whatever the ‘doomsday cult’ thing was would have been cool, as would be some explanation of Gollum and Demon-baby. The only other complaints I have were about Gollum’s senses, but I already covered that. Overall, a fine film.

That was a lot longer and took a lot longer than it should have. I think I'm going to review a few older films for a bit...they are easier to write up.