Lep in the Blog

                For my second critique of the morbid and violent, I have chosen to splash a little color into the school. Namely green and gold…and I’m not making any football references here (although this movie has more than its fair share of cheese). The 1993 horror-comedy Leprechaun is up for review. This movie was the first of six in the franchise, all of which star Warwick Davis. This film is owned by Trimark pictures. Also noteworthy is that this film marks on of the earliest appearances on the screen by Jennifer Aniston…we all gotta start somewhere, I suppose.

                Summary

                Our film opens on our title character (known simply as “The Leprechaun”) walking slowly down some subterranean stairs. Where do these stairs go and why is it relevant to the plot to show him on them? The jury is still out. Anyway he descends with an awkward gait that make me feel that he finds his shoes terribly uncomfortable and/or off balance. Since Mr. Leprechaun is later revealed to be a shoemaker by trade, I’m not sure why he doesn’t make himself some better boots. Or I could be off entirely…maybe it’s the pink pants that chafe. Regardless of his uncomfortable outfit, he descends the stairs to count his gold and rhyme a bit. This is what we are in for, a rhyming monster. After delivery a murderous sounding limerick we cut to the title.

We begin in what is later revealed to be a flashback. Why this wasn’t before the title instead of the other plot crucial scene, I’m not sure. We find an overtly Irish man returning home from Ireland. He fulfills a stereotype or two before there is any dialog in this scene (by downing some hard liqueur) and then he opens his mouth to a fierce Irish accent. His name is Daniel O’Grady (couldn’t find a more stereotypical Irish name other than Patrick O’Riley) and he is just back from his mother’s funeral in Ireland. He is quick to inform his wife that they are now rich! Not from any inheritance (they don’t mention the dead mother much other than to smash an urn that was probably meant for her) but from the gold he got from a leprechaun! His wife immediately assumes he has lost his mind, and offers to go make her poor crazy husband tea. He tries to prove is tale by showing her the gold he got, but his wife is a harsh skeptic indeed.  Despite the fact that the gold is in her hands she still refuses to believe any part of his story (‘Pics or it didn’t happen’ just isn’t good enough anymore).  He runs outside to stash his riches while she goes to make the tea. “Leprechaun Indeed. Pot of Gold indeed.”

After preparing the tea, Mrs. O’Grady hears a voice coming from the other room. She calls out “Daniel? Is that you?” and maybe it is. That is, it might be if Daniel O’Grady sang songs like a little white schoolgirl with no accent. Who knows, maybe he is in a choir somewhere? She approaches a large suitcase that was brought in when Mr. O’Grady got home. A voice from inside asks politely to be let out because she is suffocating…seems legit. She opens the box and out jumps an angry little Leprechaun who demands his crock of gold. As he bursts out the lights go off and Mrs. O’Grady is so badly frightened that she backs away into a doorway to the basement and rolls herself down the stairs, breaking her neck on impact.

Just Chillin'.

Daniel O’Grady returns to his very dark house. He doesn’t seem to notice the lack of lights…or lack of wife at first. The Leprechaun mimics Mrs. O’Grady’s voice to lure the gold thief closer (while finishing getting the tea ready). He walks into the kitchen to find the Leprechaun offering him a spot of tea. He politely asks “Danny-boy” where the gold is. O’Grady runs off to grab his gun; he returns and shoots at the Leprechaun several times. At this point I was unsure if the Leprechaun was bullet-proof or O’Grady’s drunk & grief driven shooting were accurate. He also fetches his four-leaf clover, using it to hold the creature at bay, much like a cross repels a vampire. The evil little faerie flees down the stairs, where he uses Mrs.  O’Grady’s body like a ventriloquist doll, asking to give the gold back to the “nice little leprechaun”. Mr. O’Grady responds with a bullet that actually hits the monster. He puts the body into a crate while the Leprechaun’s voice mocks that he will come back soon. Anybody know the respawn time on a Leprechaun? Apparently it isn’t very long as the crate shakes while O’Grady hammers nails into it (I assume O’Grady wasn’t a handy man as his hammer technique is lacking…the nails seem to vanish as if edited out rather than hammered in). He caps off the crate with the clover which prevents the monster from escaping. He then douses it in gasoline, (“Burn in Hell, you little green bastard!) but suffers a stroke (I thought it was a heart attack, but dialog later corrected me. I guess I’m no doctor) before he can light the match.

We jump to 10 years later (revealing that this misadventure takes place in North Dakota), with Tory Redding driving out to meet her father, J.D., at a farmhouse (the O’Grady farm, I guess no one mentioned what happened to the last owners). J.D. is excited that his daughter came to stay with him…Tory hates the house and wants to stay in a hotel. Tory immediately comes across as an obnoxious rich white girl. She tours the house complaining about the dirt all the while before finally freaking out at a tarantula in the basement and running out of the house to make good on her hotel claim. Note: Tarantulas are not native to North Dakota. She finishes this white girl moment with a rich girl moment. Outside she collides with Nathan Murphy (last name found on Wiki, don’t believe it was stated in film), causing him to spill paint; rather than apologize she tries to pay him off. This girl…seems kinda like a bitch. Nathan, while being an attractive male specimen, calls Tory a scared little girl who can’t handle a little bit of dirt. I’m not sure if it was her feminine pride, her hormones or both that convince her to stay at the house, but either way such behavior could get her into trouble. Meanwhile we are introduced to the rest of the painting crew that J.D. hired; Alex Murphy, Nathan’s younger brother (an Ness’s genetic clone) and his friend Ozzie, who is a few fries short of a happy meal. This is all of the “3 Guys That Paint” company…catchy name. Alex looks to be about 10 years old but acts like a business manager, while Ozzie looks like Chris Farley and acts about 10 years old.

They are like twins...

...separated at birth?

These guys really remind me...

About now I’d like to say that most of the rest of the movie plays out like a live-action Scooby-Doo episode. Hell, even the cast is similar. Nathan is Fred (going so far as to split the group up later), Tory is Daphne, Alex is a cross between Velma and Shaggy (being both smart and childish) and Ozzie is a lot like Scooby.  Anyway Tori begins helping them paint (how they all got neat little paint spots on their arms but nowhere else is a mystery) and I really can’t tell if she hates Nathan or is hot for him. Both her and Nathan wind up in the basement and very nearly bust the Leprechaun out of the crate (even going so far as “Lets open this up and see what’s in here! They did wake him up, however) but they get distracted by noises outside. It seems that Alex forced Ozzie into a smurf impression, and Tory sends him inside to wash off the blue paint. He hears a little girl singing down stairs (my that beast has a lovely singing voice!) and investigates it, talking to himself all the while. At first I wasn’t sure if it was just his character to talk to himself or poor writing, but later most of the characters were caught doing this. Anyway, leave it to the lovable oaf to free the demonic beast from the crate by knocking the clover aside. The Leprechaun bursts out of the crate rhyming, introducing himself as a Leprechaun, a shoemaker by trade, and offering to shine Ozzie’s shoes…if Ozzie tells him if he has seen his gold. If he doesn’t talk he claims he’ll bite his ear off and make a boot out of it…best threat ever. Ozzie runs away, only escaping because the Leprechaun’s powers are weak without his gold.  When he gets the Scooby Gang to go and investigate they find nothing down there and assume Ozzie is making things up again.

...of these guys

They all leave the house and see a rainbow which Ozzie immediately chases after to find the pot of gold, with Alex chasing him to get him back to work. Overt cartoon music heralds the end of the rainbow (which is a battered old truck) and Ozzie finds a gold coin inside. Suddenly a whole bag of coins just appears in the truck! Where did the coins go and how did they get there? I can only assume that Mr. O’Grady is wizard able to magically hide things in other dimensions, otherwise this gold’s magic appearance is rather random. The big guy accidently swallows a piece while trying to test if it was real, while the little kid decides to hide it near the old well and get a piece tested in town. Alex makes Ozzie promise to keep the gold a secret so they can keep the money for an operation to fix Ozzie’s brain. Aww…what a touching moment.

The Only Way To Travel.

Back with our lover/haters, Nathan is giving Tory a painting lesson as if the job required a high degree of skill. Tory leans up against the truck after Nathan wanders off and she feels a hand caress her leg. She assumes it is Nathan until he walks up behind her, but in reality it is just a pervy little Leprechaun. He scratches her leg and runs off into the bushes. Everyone but Tory assumes it was a cat (despite the scratch looking nothing like a cat scratch), and they investigate the bushes. They all hear meowing (that Leprechaun is quite the vocal expert)and  J.D. reaches down a rusted metal can to get the cat. Genius gets a nasty bite taken out of his hand and gets taken to the hospital to treat the “cat bite”. If a bite is bad enough to go to the hospital for, it probably isn’t a cat bite. I’m pretty sure these people have never actually seen a cat in their lives. The Leprechaun, not one to be left behind, finds a tricycle and chases after the truck.

After they check J.D. into the hospital, Nathan and Tory go to a diner while Alex and Ozzie go to get the gold inspected. They leave a piece with the shopkeeper (named Joe, if the sign on the pawn shop is to be believed) and go to join up with the others at the diner. The Leprechaun attacks Joe with a pogo stick (a first for me) and reclaims his coin (he also upgrades his wheels from tricycle to toy car). At the diner Tory is being as much a white girl as ever, revealing that she only drinks bottled water and is also a vegetarian. She then claims that she is just more mature than Nathan (pronouncing it ‘ma-tour’). After the others catch up they eat while the Leprechaun tries to drive back to the farmhouse but is pulled over by Deputy Tripet, a local cop.

They See me Rollin'...

Why the cop is pulling over toy cars, I don’t know. The Leprechaun isn’t very happy with the deputy’s insults and tries to claw his eyes out before chasing him into the woods. After a fatal game of hide and seek, the little fellow begins searching the house franticly for his gold. He ransacks the drawers, opens all the cupboards (noticing the ‘Lucky Clovers’ cereal), and polishing all the shoes. Yes. He takes time to polish every shoe in the house. When everyone returns home to find everything a mess and all the shoes on the table, their best theory is that a bear must have wandered in. A bear. That polished and arranged their shoes so neatly. These are our heroes.

...They Hatin'.

They hear a bell outside and they follow Nathan out to investigate. Nathan steps into a bear trap (where did that come from?) and the Leprechaun finally makes an appearance to the Scooby gang. He tries to put an axe to Nathan, but when that fails he settles for biting him (he is a bitey little bastard). Every one beasts the Leprechaun with rocks or anything else they find until Tory goes for the shotgun. This brilliant move is ruined when she hands it to the guy caught in the bear trap rather than shooting the monster herself. After the Leprechaun flees into the bushes Nathan wastes all the ammo firing blindly after him. Ozzie, meanwhile, is inside informing the authorities that “The Leprechaun is attacking!” so they will send help. The cops only laugh, then the Leprechaun cuts the phone line.

Deciding they need to get Nathan to a hospital they try to leave, only to find that the car isn’t working. The tiniest mechanic of them all goes to fix the problem only to discover that the car is infested with Leprechaun. Alex runs back into the dead car (rather than running away) and the Lep comes in through the windshield, making good on his threat to bite Ozzie’s ear. Nom nom nom. The wee little one then goes to the barn before racing out on a little car armed with a pitch fork. He rams the truck sending it flying…leaving me to assume Leprechaun magic had to be involved. The Scooby gang hides…then they run out into plain sight back to the house. They manage to sever the leprechaun’s hand in the door, but find that he can re-attach severed limbs. This does slow him down long enough for Ozzie to spill the beans on the gold the creature is after; a random scene transition (the only one in the movie) serves as plot exposition for the rest of the cast.

Tory runs out to the well…which is glowing fucking green. How did neither the kids nor the Leprechaun notice that? Anyway, she gets the gold and gives it the “harmless little leprechaun” who rewards her with a kiss and goes on his merry way. Everyone relaxes a moment while the Leprechaun counts his gold…only to discover a missing coin! Deciding he had been tricked he renews his assault by popping out of their refrigerator. They have several more Scooby moments including trying to find the Lep in the cupboards, then trying to shoot him as he rides about on a skateboard. He finally gets shot, but it proves just as effective as usual. Finally Nathan remembers Mr. O’Grady and they decide that he must know how to kill it. Why O’Grady sold a house with a murderous sprite in the basement without ensuring it wouldn’t get out is beyond me. Tory runs for the car while everyone else throws shoes to distract the Leprechaun…and it actually works. Seriously? He seems to have a compulsion to polish every shoe…oookay then.

Despite the Leprechaun hot on her trail in roller-skates, she makes it to the hospital/retirement home/thing. The Leprechaun doesn’t play fair! He runs in fast forward! Tory sneaks past the one inept guard and into the hospital…all the while talking to herself. She makes it to O’Grady’s room only to find the wee little beasty there in his place and she is chased about by a wheelchair-riding fey. She dives into an elevator…only to have O’Grady fall bleeding through the ceiling to deliver the information: A fresh 4-leaf clover will kill it. Then he passes away. How…morbidly convenient.  She then leaves to go back to the farm. What will the staff say about the murder victim she just leaves in the elevator?

She arrives and heads to the clover patch…which is the only green area on this barren farm. Also, why are the clovers glowing green? That is not normal clover behavior. Not to be dealt with so easily, the leprechaun chases her (she trips like the white girl she is) and she finds the dead deputy’s car. She climbs in only to find his body…and a nightstick to defend herself with; which she does by shoving it through the creature’s right eye (always in the God damn eye!) Her screams attract Nathan and Ozzie to her rescue. They all go clover hunting while Alex begins using the bear trap from earlier to try to set a trap to “get that Leppy”. Tory believes her way into finding a clover (seriously, her belief is what found it) while the Leprechaun attacks Alex, almost putting his face into the bear trap. He is saved by Ozzie who reveals that he swallowed the coin, causing the Leprechaun to try to kill him. Alex takes the clover, puts it on a wad of gum (…I don’t know where he got it) and sling shots it at the Leprechaun (“Fuck you, Lucky Charms”). The “Leppy” falls down the old well screaming and apparently a dying leprechaun sounds like thunder. Several green lights fly out of the well (don’t know why, maybe his power is escaping?) while the leprechaun melts like a gremlin in the sunlight.

Severe Allergy to Clovers...

...vs. Severe Sunlight Allergy.

To finish the job they pour gasoline down the well (which is full of water) and toss a match down there. The resulting explosion (yes, explosion) causes a mushroom cloud larger than the farmhouse. As the cops show up, we can hear the Leprechaun’s voice saying he won’t rest until he gets his gold. Huh. Guess he isn’t as dead as first perceived.

Chop Shop

                Kill 1: Mrs. O’Grady

The doubting old Irish woman doesn’t last very long. After freeing the Leprechaun she stumbles backward down a flight of stairs. I give her a 9.5 on her backward somersault, but a 0 on her landing. She snaps her neck, then is used as a puppet to intimidate her husband.

                Kill 2: “Joe” the shop owner

“Joe” has one of the most…unusual deaths in a movie. While analyzing one of the gold coins he is ambushed by the Leprechaun (who bites his leg). Then after berating the shopkeeper that it is “unwise to steal from a leprechaun” the creature grabs a nearby pogo-stick. He bounces continually on “Joe’s” chest…while singing. I noticed that, for some reason, “Joe’s” face gets rather bloodied despite nothing actually happening to his face, but I’ll over look it because the Leprechaun was singing! “This old Lep, he played one, he played pogo on your lung!’

                Kill 3: Deputy Tripet

First of all Deputy Dumbass here is a real winner. Not only does he pull over a toy car, but begins insulting what he thinks is a little kid. Why would a cop tear into what he believes is a little child? Anyway, after calling him “ugly” the leprechaun claws at his face. Tripet then runs off into the woods (instead of to his car) where the Leprechaun engages him in a game of Hide and Seek. Tripet just stands there while he watches the creature vanish and re-appear until he assumes the little beast left. After which he sits down exhausted. He wasn’t running for a while, so I’m not sure what wore him out…though it could have been blood loss. The Leprechaun drops out of the tree and breaks the cop’s neck. Later the cop’s body is seen in his police car (which the lep had been using), and Tory uses his nightstick to defend herself. The leprechaun steals his body’s eye after he gets his own put out by the nightstick.

                Kill 4: Daniel O’Grady

How Mr. O’Grady died, I’m not sure. Then again, I’m not sure how he survived that stroke in scene two. When Tory escapes into an elevator, Daniel’s mostly dead body falls through the roof. He explains how to kill it then promptly dies without fuss.

Overall Breakdown

Total Kills: 4 (only?)

Kills by Leprechaun: 4 (2 by neck snapping, 1 through unknown means, 1 by Pogo Stick)

             Monster Analyzer

Subject: Leprechaun

An evil, selfish faerie that will kill anyone that comes between it and its gold. He is stated at being 600 years old and has a wicked sense of humor. If treated well (i.e. giving him back his gold) he can be persuaded to leave in peace.

Powers: Telekinesis, Voice Mimicry, Sharp Claws & Teeth, Teleportation, Can re-attach severed limbs, immunity to most weapons, ability to move supernaturally quick, other magic not clearly shown (such as empowering his pitchfork car or sending a tiny hand through a phone).

Weaknesses: Severe allergy to 4 leaf clover, powers fade if he has no gold, obsession with polishing shoes.

I wants me gold!

Friday the 1st

I chose Friday the 13^th as my first review as it is one of the most iconic horror movies out there. It may not have been the first slasher flick, but it did set several standards for the genre. It also gives me several sequels to play with later too. This movie is owned by Paramount Pictures, not by me. Ahem. Anyway, away we go.

Summary

The film begins setting the scene in 1958. After being serenaded by several classic camp songs two counselors sneak off to do what counselors do best in movies. Sex. The two kids as far as I could tell had no names, but Wikipedia is trying to convince me that they were “Barry” and “Claudette”. We’ll just go with that for now. After some brief dialog with “Barry” and “Claudette” pretending to be real characters they begin to try to get down to business before being done in by a mystery assailant. I say “done in” rather than “killed off” due to how vaguely they were killed. “Barry” gets hit in the stomach by a mystery weapon and the camera cuts to the title before “Claudette” is actually struck.

 After some catchy title music the subtitles inform us that it is now “present day”. By the time of this blog that would be about 53 years…my, the characters certainly have aged well! To give the director the benefit of the doubt we’ll call the year 1980 then. We meet Annie who is trying to get to Camp Crystal Lake. After failing to get decent directions from the local dog, she tries some local…locals who are helpful, if a bit ominous. We also meet Ralph. Ralph has to be one of the best “crazy old man” characters of all time. Not only does he give vague warnings, but is a self-proclaimed messenger of God and rides a bicycle. That bike makes him look very credible.

You're all doomed!

Seems Legit

           

Annie gets a ride most of the way to the camp by a friendly if slightly rude truck driver. He informs our dear Annie about all the goings on at the camp they are trying to re-open. He mentions a boy who drowned in 1957 (dun dun duuuun!), two counselors murdered in ’58 (so they DID die…) then mentions several fires and that in ’62 the water was bad (how the Hell did she swing that one?) Seems Mrs. Voorhees has been kept rather busy. She gets dropped off right in front of…a cemetery? Really? They don’t say anything about it, or call any attention to it, but it is a cemetery that she is dropped off at. It took over 5 viewings before I ever noticed that…anyway she gets picked up by another friendly local (My my, aren’t these people helpful!)and rides for a while before realizing that something is afoul. She dives out of the Jeep before being chased through the woods and slain. I will give credit to the actress. Her begging for her life was…unsettling.

While all this has been going on Jack Burrell (played by a very young Kevin Bacon), Marcie Janson (last name unclear), and Ned Ruebenstien (the last names of these three were tricky to track down) all arrive at camp. They meet Steve Christy, their boss, who introduces them to Alice (last nameless), Brenda (also sans surname) and Bill (and again). The pause briefly to wonder why Annie hasn’t arrived yet before beginning to set about work. Alice and Steve are revealed to have some sort of awkward relationship issues that are never revisited, while Brenda (or Marcie, they kinda look alike) and Ned do some foreshadowing on the archery range. Steve leaves to run errands, and while the boss is away the counselors will play. They relax dockside and have themselves a nice swim…while someone watches from the shadows. If you look really closely you can see a large ring in the left hand of the onlooker…possibly revealing a bit before it was intended. Ned pretends to down and fun is had.

Camp. Serious Business.

Various scenes of camp set-up work are shown. Bill becomes Mighty Hunter and kills a snake in the girls cabin, while Ned takes off his shirt, wears some feathers and dances like a native American until the cops show up. I am not kidding, his dance was one of my favorite parts of the movie. The asshole cop (and I mean asshole) warns them to leave before telling them that Crazy Ralph was seen heading this way…setting the stage for Ralph to pop out of a closet to dispense his ever ignored warnings…before peddling away on that bike. I love you Ralph.Marcie describes dreams that would cause most therapists to fear for their safety, but her boyfriend Jack seems pretty cool about it. After talking, it begins to rain and they do what any people would do in this situation. Go have sex. No wonder Jack wasn’t concerned with her dreams…he knew this was coming! I should comment that Ned was seen going into the cabin to investigate before his friends came in for the Sex therapy session, but he never came back out. Apparently they didn’t notice the dead body in the bunk above where they were fornicating. Easy miss really.

While this display of libido is going one, the other counselors are…having their own display of libido. They decide to pass the time with a friendly game of Strip Monopoly…does anyone have rules for this? Anyway Brenda, Alice, and Bill begin the game. Brenda announces that she rolled double sixes and Bill claims she must be cheating. Aaaaand she is. The dice actually land on 3…maybe 4, the screen was a tad blurry. Back with Libido scene 1, Jack and Marcie finish up and Marcie romantically informs Jack that she has to pee. She leaves and Jack doesn’t last long in the cabin alone…well…not technically alone. His throat is quickly cut. Marcie does her business and washes her hands (good hygiene is a must!) before thinking she is being watched. She looks around but finds nothing…until someone puts an axe in her face. Her death scream/defensive pose was…bad. Just bad. Ignoring the dated effects for this movie is easy…but her acting here was just bad.

This is how NOT to save your life.

The Stripopoly game lets out early when Brenda finally notices that it is raining. She goes to close up her cabin and go to bed. She visit the same bathroom Marcie was in to brush her teeth (these characters have some of the best hygiene habits). She gets into bed only to leave right away again to follow cries for help. It sounds like a little boy. She runs through the darkness before making it to the archery range. All the lights come on and then…we don’t know. Nothing of her fate is shown for quite a while, although Alice mentions hearing a scream. About now Steve decides that he should head back to camp. He finished up at the diner; which is run by Sandy ,the most stereotypical diner matron ever.

He makes it part way before needing to enlist a ride from the police. After that ride falls through he walks back to camp, only to find someone near the entrance. He reveals that he knows the mystery assailant before dying  (or being punched in the stomach, it was hard to tell). By now Alice and Bill begin getting suspicious that they haven’t seen anybody for a while and begin looking around. They puzzle over a bloody axe in Brenda’s bed before writing it off as strange. They also notice that the phone is out and that the cars aren’t working. They decide it is all coincidence and that they will probably laugh about it in the morning. Murder is funny like that. 

Nope. Nothing wrong here.

Then the power goes off (again, writing it off as normal) and Bill goes to fix it. He tries without much success. Alice wakes up from a nightmare saying Bill’s name. This should be a clear indication that he must have died in there somewhere because the next time we see him he is hanging from a door by arrows. Alice finds this body while investigating. She runs back to the communal cabin in a blind panic and barricades the door. She fortifies the front room great, but neglects to secure anything in the other room. She arms herself with a  baseball bat and a fork…both of which she drops when a body is thrown through an unfortified window. So THAT is where Brenda got to! She runs out of the room and into the fortified room…which she unfortifies as soon as she sees a car pull up. She believes that Steve has returned (and is still alive) but instead is greeted by a friendly lady who introduces herself as Mrs. Voorhees. This lady has a voice that reminds me very much of Ursula the Sea Witch.

You know...

...I do see a resemblance.

Anyway, Mrs. Voorhees tries to calm a panicking Alice by going to investigate. She seems nice and helpful…until she brings up the subject of Jason, her son that drowned here back in ’57…and who’s birthday is arbitrarily on Friday the 13^th! (Dun dun duuun!) She pulls a knife on Alice while speaking in a creepy little boy voice (Kill her, Mommy, kill her!) Alice beats off the older woman and flees. Alice 1, Voorhees 0.

                Alice runs out to Mrs. Voorhees’ car, only to discover Annie’s body in it. She runs a few feet only to have Steve’s body fall convieniently out of the tree in front of her (The knife in his chest confirms stabbery). She tries to be smart and get a gun, but cannot get at any ammo so she resorts to throwing random objects at her attacker. Mrs. Voorhees starts up a catfight with Alice only to wind up getting cuntpunched. Alice 2 , Voorhees 0.

                After running and hiding again, Alice winds up in a closet (The doorknob slowly turning when Alice thought she was safe was very nicely executed). Voorhees finds the door locked, but isn’t concerned; she brought an axe. After Mrs. Voorhees does her “Heeeere’s Johnny!” impression she takes a frying pan to the face, apparently knocked out or killed. This brings the score to Alice 3, Voorhees 0.

                Our heroine heads towards the docks to ready a boat to flee this place. She takes her time, thinking her attacker dead…until she shows up with a machete. In oar vs. machete, machete wins, but both weapons get knocked aside. The two woman wrassle for a bit before Alice gets tired of all this murder and grabs the machete herself and decapitates Mrs. Voorhees in epic slow-motion. Final score stands at Alice 4, Voorhees 0.

                As she drifts off in a canoe, Alice seems to have calmed down. Peaceful music plays and by morning a rescue is in sight. All is well…until a corpse-like boy leaps out of the lake and drags the poor girl under. What a weekend she’s been having. She wakes up in a hospital bed, asking if anyone else made it. After learning the horrible truth she asks about the boy…but no one has any idea what she is talking about. “Then he is still there…” are the ominous words we part on.

Chop Shop

Kill 1 & 2: “Barry” & “Claudette”

Since I don’t really believe these two have names, they get summarized together. This kill scene has little to offer even with two bodies. As we look through the eyes of the killer we can’t tell what actually happens to “Barry”. I think he was supposed to be stabbed, but he could have just as well been pushed aside, or kicked in the balls. “Claudette” on the other hand gets even less. The camera cuts away as she is approached by the killer. We only can confirm these two as kills from later dialog. Rather…unsatisfying. A shame since “Claudette’s” acting is pretty good.

                Kill 3: Annie

Poor Annie. For being a naïve counselor she seemed like a nice girl. Really friendly and apparently good with kids. After hitchhiking with the killer, she realizes something isn’t right when the driver misses her stop…and won’t stop…or slow down. She bails from the moving Jeep and runs off into the woods. After running from an unseen presence she finally backs into the killer. She falls to her knees and begs for her life. This scene was actually fairly unsettling, between Annie’s quality acting and how sweet her character seemed to be. Her throat is slit by the killer, who then apparently takes her body to the Jeep and begins riding around with it, as it is still in the Jeep at the climax.

                Bonus Kill: Snake

A defenseless forest snake made its home in a cabin until being disturbed by Alice. Everyone rushed in at the girl’s screams and the snake hides under a bed. After breaking several items in the mad scramble to find the snake, Bill hacks it to pieces with a machete. Murderer.

                Kill 4: Ned

A shame that Ned died off so early. His character’s antics were enjoyable to watch. After wandering off to investigate some movement in an empty cabin he meets his end off camera. A great character that doesn’t even get an on screen death. He appears to only be missing until his friends are revealed to be fucking beneath his corpse. His body is never even found by the other characters! He is revealed to have had his throat slit.

                Kill 5: Kevin Bacon…er…Jack

While basking in the afterglow of sex with Marcie (basking beneath his buddy’s corpse, I might add), he is killed by someone beneath the bed. He never even realized he was in any danger until a hand grabbed his head and a knife crossed his neck. This kill, while excellently filmed and unnerving, raises a few questions. How did Mrs. Voorhees get under the bed to kill him? If she had been walking around Jack would have noticed. She apparently never left that cabin after killing Ned. Does this mean she was under there the whole time?! WHILE THEY WERE HAVING SEX?! Mrs. Voorhees…you creepy.

                Kill 6: Marcie

After doing her post-sex pee, Marcie feels like she is being watched. After examining the bathroom and showers she concludes that she is in fact alone. Then she turns around to receive an axe in her left eye. Always in the goddamn eye. Aside from the earlier mentions at Marcie’s terrible defense scream, this kill is soundly handled.

                Kill 7: Brenda

Another kill that seems to be mostly done off camera, but this one is more satisfyingly done. After running off into the night to find a child she hears calling for help (Voorhees the ventriloquist) she gets bathed in bright light but her actual death is not shown yet. Alice mentions the lights and that she thought she heard a scream, but Brenda isn’t revisited…until Brenda revisits Alice by being thrown through a window. Brenda is tied up and bloody, but her actual cause of death is hard to determine. If you watch closely she does seem to be moving a bit, but I’m not sure if it was intentional or not. So I’m just going to label her death “Death by Window”.

                Kill 8: Bill the Snake Murderer

As Bill seems to be Alice’s boyfriend, he manages to last the longest…wait…wasn’t there a thing with Steve? Oh well, I can’t blame her for dumping someone who looks like a less shaggy Weird Al Yankovich. Anyway, despite all the evidence that something is terribly, terribly wrong, Bill is sure that things are fine. He wanders off on his own to fix the power while Alice takes a nap. While in Brenda’s death scene you knew she was being stalked, you can’t tell at all. The only thing that leads us to believe that anything happened to Bill (before his corpse is found) is Alice waking up from a nightmare. She goes looking for him only to find his body pinned to a door by arrows, his throat also cut. That makes this the 4^th off camera kill of the movie…I should take offence to that.

                Kill 9: Weird Steve Christy Yankovich

Steve’s death is rather unceremonious and kind of embarrassing. It did reveal to the audience that the killer was known to the Christy family though. Steve arrived back at camp to discover someone he wasn’t expecting there. He approaches the off camera figure to greet them only to be stabbed in the chest. The chest stabbing is verified when Alice finds his body with a knife still in it, but when he gets stabbed he reacts more like someone punched him in the stomach…or kicked him in the pills. Either way his death-face is hilarious.

D'oh!

                Kill 10: Mrs. Pamela Voorhees (first name revealed in later movies)

I will say this for Mrs. Voorhees, she is a tough bitch. Alice really does  a number on her before she finally goes down…and it takes a head severing before it ends. She got clobbered, cunt-punched, pelted, oar smacked, and frying-panned all to no avail. While the slow-motion was rather unnecessary it did cause a bit of satisfaction when the crazy lady’s body finally falls.

                Overall breakdown:

Total Kills: 10 + 1 snake

Kills by Mrs. Voorhees:  9 ( 2 plot device characters,6 counselors, 1 boss)

Kills by Alice 1 (1 psycho-bitch)

Kills by Bill 1 (Defenseless snake)

School is now in session.

Hello everyone, and welcome to the Slasher Studies. I call myself Phibby Rizo, and I pretend to know things. Movie things. Particularly horror movie things. I watch more movies than the average individual and a disproportionate amount of those movies are horror films. So, since I like to pretend to know things and I like to watch horror movies, I was prodded into creating a place to funnel my creative genius...or to spend my free time so I'm not pestering my sister or roommates.

So welcome indeed. What I shall be doing is quite simple: Watching a movie and commenting on, complaining about, or otherwise criticizing what I see. I will say that unlike most critics, I really enjoy most movies. However that won't stop me from making a few...scathing comments. Also I shall be tracking Kill Counts, analyzing death scenes, and keeping score for how many victims pile up over large sequel chains.

Despite the name of this blog and the movie first on the chopping block, I intend to review any and all horror movies that strike my fancy...any probably several that strike no fancy at all. If anyone reading my reviews wants me to stare at a movie and analyze it a bit, I encourage you to e-mail me at Cyberchicken@live.com or post a comment somewhere and I'll see what I can do.

Also, please note that this blog is going to be rather...spoiler heavy. I don't advise reading if you don't want endings or victim lists spoiled. You have been warned. However if you have already seen the movie in question the reviews should prove entertaining enough even if you know the story well.

Also please note that all the movies and images are property of their respective studios. I own nothing and am not worth suing. If any company disapproves of any images or reviews please contact me and I'll see that they are removed.

With that...let the carnage begin.
Phibby R.