Love in an Elevator

                Well it certainly has been awhile since I have snarked my way through another movie, so I feel I owe you all a good one. Sorry to say I am failing to deliver a good movie, but hopefully my review entertains.  This film was the first request I received from my friend Travis, but I only recently (relatively) got around to watching it for review. Enough stalling…today’s film is...

                The Shaft. That is The Shaft, no relation to the 1970’s detective Shaft(or the 2000’s remake). This film is about a killer elevator. Yup, we are moving from homicidal snowman to murderous elevator. I can’t tell if this is a better or worse of an idea. Anyway some background info. First off, the movie is more commonly known as ‘Down’ (a title which makes even less sense) but the U.S. release was re-christened ‘The Shaft’ for little to know explainable reason…other than it being a gateway point for penile humor. This movie is actually a re-make (really?! Why?!!!) of a 1983 Dutch horror film called ‘De Lift’. ‘De Lift’ was actually considered one of the better Dutch horror films of that era and the Dutch release of ‘The Shaft’ did rather poorly, despite both ‘De Lift’ having the same director.

This film is owned by Buena Vista International (if they want to own up to it) and….First Floor Features? Really? I wish I was making the puns up myself…these people are doing my job for me.

Summary

The movie opens with some tracking shots of the New York skyline accompanied by music that seems like it would be more appropriate in one of the Lord of the Rings films. This leads to one initial horrifying conclusion: despite the plot revolving around a killer elevator, this movie is determined to take itself seriously. Hoo boy. A thunderstorm is raging (or just sorta flashing in the background without any rain) as we move in on the tallest building we see, the subtitles inform us that this is the Millennium building (the movie was made in the year 2000,so I think they were trying to be topical) and it has 102 floors and 73 elevators. I will say that it has as many floors and elevators as the Empire State Building…this is probably the horror-universe equivalent. This is later confirmed when they refer to it as ‘New York’s most famous land mark’.  We are introduced to two lovable security guards (Andy and Gary) who are busy using the observation deck to peep in windows of neighboring buildings. We are before the three minute mark and we already are getting the nude scenes out of the way. If you are hoping the rest of the movie continues in this vein, you’ll be disappointed to know that that is it for the film. Sorry, maybe try returning to the snowman sex from last time?

The elevator bit my flashlight! Great expressions.

                After they run out of quarters and get back to work a power surge (assumedly from the tower being hit by lightning) causes the lights to flicker. It seems to be nothing but the creepy music and a slight security camera distortion seem to hint otherwise. They talk about going down to the 66^th floor (since they couldn’t find a 666^th floor I guess…) but Andy leaves to urinate while Gary waits by the elevators. The doors open and some weird disturbance affects Gary’s watch. Now, lightning strikes cannot affect watches, so I am forced to assume that his watch is being affected by the ‘Aura of Elevator Evil’.  You know, ‘cuz that makes sense. More lightning strikes the building and the doors of the elevator insist on closing. Despite his attempts, they keep trying to close and his flashlight begins flashing unexplainably (also caught in the ‘Aura of Evil’ I suppose). The doors of the elevator vibrate and the doors slam shut…killing poor Gary’s flashlight in the process.

                The next day we meet the protagonists, Jeff (last name impaired) and Mark Newman, the ever vigilant employees of the Metor Elevator repair company. Now I don’t know about you, but I think ‘Meteor’ is a poor name for an elevator repair company. Falling like a meteor is the last thing one wants an elevator to do. I digress.  Jeff is very serious about his job and is cranky towards Mark, who is portrayed as a drunk and a slacker who barely is holding the job. However, as Mark is one of three characters in the film who actually has a last name, his importance is assured. The radio as they drive to work tells us that a record number of lightning strikes occurred last night (later we learn four hit the Millennium Building) and it hints that this is the cause of the evil. Lightning makes it evil? Sure…okay.

How is Babby formed? Love the faces here too.

                We leave our heroes to return to the Millennium Building where somewhere around the 30^th floor, a group of six pregnant women enter the elevator and…oh boy, here we go.  The elevator stops suddenly, sending all the women to the ground. Security notices an alarm but since this has been happening off and on for 3 days (there goes the ‘lightning did it’ explanation) they ignore it and the alarm ceases. Inside the Shaft of Fertility, the buttons and emergency phone refuse to work and the women’s cell phones’ signals are blocked by the ‘Aura of Elevator Evil’. Also, the air flow is cut, turning the elevator into a sauna and the attempts at rescue from outside fail because the elevator’s key will not turn. The rescue team cut the power but despite this the elevator descends anyway. The women are alright(ish) when they reach the lobby but two of them gave birth within the elevator. So far there are no deaths but two shaft-induced births (No, the penis jokes will not cease) put the kill count at -2.

                We rejoin Mark and Jeff during their lunch break as they get the call to go fix the shaft, seeing as more people are getting off it than are getting on. Determined to limit such births in the future, our heroes rush off. Meanwhile we cut away to journalist (and last name bearer # 2) Jennifer Evans, who is played by one of the few notable stars in this movie, Naomi Watts. Isn’t it cute? This movie is trying to pretend it has a budget. After talking to a man who looks a lot like Harold Ramis (you know, the building does remind me of the apartment in Ghostbusters…), she sent to cover the pregnancy incident. Once on site, Ms. Watts proves she can play the most parasitic paparazzi possible by harassing the women as they are being taken to ambulances. I hate reporters.

                Back with Mark and Jeff, they are on sight looking over the elevator. We also get to hear talk of how Jeff’s last partner Kowalski committed suicide and was found burnt to death in his car on the beach. Look at him, acting like he has a back story. We also learn that he is kind of a dick (no relation to the other dick jokes, just a regular dick) from the way he treats the building’s maintenance crew. After looking it over they find nothing wrong, although the way the elevator almost seemed to breath at one point was a touch ominous. Mechanically speaking, nothing is wrong, so they report their findings and leave.

                Meanwhile, up on the 24^th floor, Mr. Faith (a blind pervert)is getting his hair cut. Fed up with his groping,  his stylist gives him a look to rival Jack Nicholson’s Joker. H, and his seeing-eye dog named Buster get onto an elevator. Nothing could possibly happen to a blind pervert, right? He hits the ‘lobby’ button, but the elevator has other plans. He is brought up to the 91^st floor, and after stepping off the elevator confused, the doors shut behind him. He presses the call button, but Buster begins to growl. Dogs can smell the’ Aura of Elevator Evil’, y’know. When the doors open there is no elevator and the expected happens. Yep. He walks into it, but the jerk dragged his poor dog in too. Poor Buster. However we do notice that not just one, but at least two of the elevators conspired to kill this man. All the elevators are in cahoots!

Why, Hello there Awkwardness.

                Mark reestablishes his status as a main character by delving into his backstory. Apparently he got into a fight with his (girlfriend? Wife? Probably girlfriend…) lady-friend and is trying to make up with her by bringing her flowers. Too bad she seems to be sleeping with someone else, as our hero learns when the new boyfriend appears towel-clad. After striking out here (but he at least isn’t a bitch about it) Mark leaves and this foray into him pretending to be a developed character ends. He goes to recuperate at a bar with Jeff and his pregnant (wife? Girlfriend? Probably wife…) lady-friend. It also turns out the woman who dumped Mark is Jeff’s half-sister…what is this? A soap opera?

                That night we re-find our two inept guards from the first scene (these guys are great, by the way) stealing booze. Their drinking is short lived when the elevator decides to play cat-and-mouse with them.  The security office alerts them to an elevator moving in the empty building, but when the doors open no one exits. The guards rush over but the door closes and it drops four floors. They race down to head it off but it closes and goes back up a few floors. While debating their options Gary’s (yeah, they still have names) flashlight flickers under the influence of the ‘Aura’ and the doors open to an empty shaft. Andy (also still has a name) finds the body of poor Buster just before the doors close trapping his head. The office (whose camera’s are also facing ‘Aura’ induced malfunctions) notices what the elevator has begun descending. Just like with Mr. Faith, I think we can all see where this is going. Goodbye Andy.

He gave the shaft head! XD

                Next morning a rather hung-over Mark returns to trying to fix the Shaft. Before long he goes to re-experience his last mean in the bathroom only to meet Jennifer, our reporter character. Since the press are not allowed inside, she is pretending to work there but Mark sees right through it. She tries to get some dirt on the elevators but he out snarks her and leaves before security escorts her out(despite her actually trying to convince the guards that he raped her…yeah. She will say anything apparently). Mark meets up with Jeff and both agree that they cannot find anything wrong…again. They report it, but Mark is concerned about the situation while Jeff writes everything off and acts like a dick again.

Car-boner. Never thought cars liked elevators.

                The following day we find Mark being yelled at by his boss, Mr. Mitchell (how the hell did they get Ron Perlman in this movie?) for talking to the reporter. Seems she printed his snarky comments as facts, causing trouble for the Meteor company. Today Mark is working with Murphy who gives us some more exposition. He mentions talks more about Jeff’s old partner’s suicide. Apparently the guy worked on the Millennium building too…suspicious. Elsewhere, on a completely unrelated note, two roller-blade punks (Nameless, so let’s just call them ‘Dreds’ and ‘Wipeout’)are having a race, causing several traffic incidents along the way. Suddenly Wipeout…wipes out in front of the elevators in the parking garage of the Millennium Building. Not realizing his peril, several nearby cars react to the ‘Aura of Elevator Evil’ by…getting some sort of windshield wiper-boner and sounding their car-alarms. The elevator doors open, flooding the garage with blinding light (from where? I dunno). Then, most unexpectedly Wipeout is sucked into the elevator as if it were a high powered vacuum. He is brought up to the 86^th floor before being disgorged from the shaft like a bullet, sent through the window to fall to his death. Meanwhile, somewhere in Harlem, Mark sees the news report of Wipeout’s death on the news. Now he begins to really suspect that maybe something is really wrong with that building. Seeing no choice he races to the see…(to do what? I don’t think he knows either, but he sure pissed off Murphy).

Would you trust this woman with your children?

                Outside the building Mark runs back into Ms. Jennifer Evans who is trying to get a story. He chews her out for a bit over her article about him and they part ways. Seeing as she is supposed to be an important character she gets very little screen time. In the building, we see the World’s Best Daycare Lady (actual dialogue: “Quiet! Little bastards, don’t fuck with me. Bunch of losers you are…all of you” and she continues for quite a while) giving important life lessons before a little girl sneaks away. Little Mary Jane winds up playing in front of the elevators. The doors open and close repeatedly as if playing with the little girl before finally taking a bite out of her doll. The World’s Best Daycare Lady finds her before any real harm comes and escorts her to relative safety.

                Jennifer finally decides to step into the spotlight and shows up at Mark’s place. How she tracked him down is anyone’s guess. She shows him the security footage of ‘Wipeout’s’ death and they conclude that something is very wrong after noticing the elevator took only 1.8 seconds to go up 86 floors (a trip which should take 42 seconds). They go to try to show this info to Jeff, but he doesn’t listen and hurries off in a huff. He seemed unusually nervous about something but we are left in the dark for now. Mark and Jennifer then go to dinner instead and talk about elevators. Suddenly Jennifer decides to research Gunther Steinberg (a scientist who works at Meteor Elevators. He was referenced very briefly in only one scene before this) and discovers that he worked for the military. Chip (the Harold Ramos look-alike) comes by and hands us the plot. He says that they were making bio-chips for guided missiles based on dolphin brains (for science!) but ran into problems when the missiles started  getting MINDS OF THEIR OWN. Somehow the chips started reproducing (what logic does this movie follow?!) and began growing  like living organisms. Chip then agrees to research Mr. Steinberg.

                Now believing that the elevator was experimented on by Dr. Steinberg and that it now has a mind of its own, Jennifer and Mark part ways for the night. The next morning, Mr. Milligan (the Millennium Building manager) is not pleased to discover Jeff’s body in the elevator shaft. Mark receives  a call from Jennifer about this discovery and they head to a press conference where the elevator company and the police are pinning the accidents on Jeff’s body. Seeing a strange pattern, Mark suggests looking into Kowalski’s suicide to see if there is a connection to Steinberg or to Jeff’s death. The meet up with Jeff’s widow who tells them that some German guy (Steinberg) called him out last night and that Kowalski died not burning in his car, but in the elevator! Dun Dun Duuuuun!

                Continuing their investigation streak, our heroes go to visit Kowalski’s wife. Since Mrs. Kowalski doesn’t answer her door, the pair do the obvious thing and break in. Inside they find what appears to be a voodoo shrine to the late Kowalski. Soon they are visited by Mrs. Kowalski who is out of her mind. She believes “they” killed him and now his spirit (and maybe the Devil) haunt the elevator seeking revenge. So we have three theories:

This woman is clearly sane.

             1)      Freak lightning strike animated and pissed off elevator, making it murderous.

             2)      Bio-chips created by Dr. Steinberg became self –aware and like to kill people because                        reasons

             3)      The spirit of Kowalski is pissed after dying in the elevator and is out for revenge.

Theory one seems out, and three is the most plausible (sadly) yet is the least likely. It is probably evil-dolphin brain chips. I give them points for…um…creativity?

                While this is going on our killer elevator kicks it up a notch. 16 people board an elevator and it doesn’t end well for them, the floor dropping out beneath them. This incident moves the president to speak out against the terrorists that are obviously behind this. He declares the building sealed off. Elsewhere, Mr. Mitchell and Dr. Steinberg have a shifty meeting in Steinberg’s car. Apparently both knew about the bio-chip, but did nothing about it. Steinberg still thinks he can control it, but Mitchell wants to be done with this. He doesn’t want more lives lost but Steinberg isn’t sure he can stop it now.

Chip McNot-Harold-Ramis

                That night, during a heavy downpour, the police, SWAT team, several dogs, and the FBI are busy locking down the Millennium building. Mark and Jennifer sneak in using a Meteor company truck until Jennifer is busted by the cops. Mark is one sneaky bitch and makes his way inside. Before she is found out though, Jennifer fields a call from Chip McNot-Harold-Ramis and he says that they were still experimenting with the bio-chips…but they aren’t just using dolphins anymore! He…doesn’t really say what they are using but we can assume that it is some Soilent Green Bullshit going on right here.

                Using his ninja skills, Mark evades detection by trained police and FBI agents and their helicopter (Mark was a marine but still…) and makes his way to the top of the building, seeing a lot of weapons and ammo along the way. He reaches the main control box but apparently it was destroyed when the elevator breached the roof. He reasons there must be another box they never checked. He tries to sneak into an elevator, but the doors open to welcome him. Inside he tries to climb through the roof maintenance hatch but the elevator starts moving and refuses to respond to his rampant button pressing. Mark, undaunted, rips open the button panel and breaks some wires which stop it…for a while at least. He gets on top of the elevator and uses a manual control to move the car up…wait…if the car was capable of moving, why did it stop when the wires were pulled? The evil bio-chip thing seem to be able to make things that were never wired move…so why not the elevator now? Oh forget it.

                While all this is going on, Jennifer is locked in a storage closet until the police figure out what to do with her…instead of taking her to, you know, jail. They are busy trying to get to Mark, since moving the elevator gave away his position. Mark finds some birds that the elevator has been eating and the word “shaft” written in blood. Bloody shafts are never a good sign. He rises several more floors until the FBI cuts his power, then the trooper begins to climb the cables barehanded. Like a boss. He finds the second control box (which is dripping slime) but the shaft isn’t gonna take this lying down. It electrifies (with the power cut, how?) the roof-buried car while Mark opens the box revealing the evil bio-chip. He stabs it several times with a screwdriver when suddenly the electro-car starts on fire. It drops the flaming car down the shaft right next to our hero, forcing him to dodge the flames. He falls a bit but catches himself, the FBI guys climbing up to get Mark are not so fortunate. One is bisected by the flaming car.

How exactly is this a computer chip?

                Having the upper hand, with Mark barely holding on, the Shaft sends another car (sans flames) up at him. He dodges only to get his foot snagged by a cable from the third elevator that attacked him. Mark frees himself just before that elevator hits the ceiling and he is even able to dodge the falling debris. The guy must have been a monkey in a past life. While Mark is busy not-dying, our other characters aren’t just sitting around. Dr. Steinberg arrives on the scene while Jennifer escapes the storage room through the ceiling. Mark leaves the Shaft and helps himself to a ‘stinger’ the SWAT team left lying around. For all y’all haters, a ‘stinger’ is a rocket launcher. He returns and aims his weapon at the Bio-chip but Dr. Steinberg appears and puts a gun to Mark’s head. He is busy protecting the Shaft for some reason (either still wanting to experiment or trying to avoid blame) and the two fist fight for a bit. Military Mark gets his ass kicked by Science Steinberg and is about to be kicked down the shaft Sparta-style but Jennifer appears. She seems to have picked up Steinberg’s gun and now has the upper hand. The SWAT Team intervenes but Steinberg grabs Jennifer as a hostage, clearly labeling himself the villain. She fights her way free just before cables from the shaft grab Steinberg and pull him inside. One grabs Mark too, but he grabs his ‘stinger’ and fires it…while upside down in the clutches of the Shaft…directly at the Bio-chip. It a’splodes and the evil is thwarted. Dr. Steinberg wasn’t as fortunate as he was strangled by the cords before the Bio-chip was destroyed.

                The next scene shows Mark leaving the hospital (with no indication of how he explained the situation to the FBI) with Jennifer. The enter the elevator to leave the building but suddenly it stops! Turns out Mark just hit the emergency stop, locking them both in the elevator…alone. They kiss and the credits roll. The ending credit song ‘Love in an Elevator’ by Aerosmith should give you an idea of what happens next.

Chop Shop

Kill 1: Mr. Faith

Put a smile on that face!

A rather gropey-bastard. A blind one. A blind one with green hair. He simply walks to his death, falling from the 91^st floor. As a blind man, he doesn’t notice that there is no elevator in the shaft he walks into and gravity does the rest. His noble dog tries to pull him to safety, but Buster is not a large dog. The man’s weight dooms them both. I will say most films won’t kill off a blind man, but this one was justified by making Mr. Faith rather lecherous. Lechers always meet their faith…er, fate.

                Kill 1.5: Buster

Good dog. Very good dog. Fell down the same shaft as Mr. Faith, but his leash snagged on the way down. Poor thing got hung by his own leash. Unlike his master, Buster didn’t deserve this. This is one eeeeeevil elevator.

                Kill 2: Andy the Guard

Despite being a pervert, a slacker, and a bit of a thief, Andy had a bit of charm to him. He also was rather diligent when an actual problem came up on the job; too bad this cost him his head. After playing cat-and-mouse with a sadistic elevator (a sentence I never thought I would type) he managed to get his head caught in the doors of the shaft. The elevator slowly descends (despite the best efforts of Gary to pull him free) and separates his head from his neck. I like the acting quite a bit during this scene but the decapitation effects were slightly lacking. Having Gary vomit into his hat after witnessing his friend’s death was a nice touch.

                Kill 3: ‘Wipeout’

After causing several public disturbances, it was no surprise that the horror movie gods would punish this little punk. We get no time to learn anything about him other than his flair for racing and his disregard for public safety before he gets eaten by the Shaft. He is sucked up by some strange vacuum force before being launched out of the building. Ok…science time. It takes approximately a 130 mph wind to knock over a 160lb man (Wipeout probably isn’t heavier than that) and this force pulled him clear off his feet so it seems even stronger. In soviet Russia Shaft sucks you…these jokes need to stop. Anyway, after playing human cannonball he falls down 86 stories to land right in front of his friend ‘Dreds’. Personally I thought the blood splatter was a little lacking for a fall of that length.

                Kill 4: Jeff

While trying to destroy the evil of The Shaft, Jeff ran afoul of…something. We are in the dark on exactly how he died, but his body was rather cut up and bloody. He dropped into an elevator with Mr. Milligan suspended upside down looking rather discombobulated. Not much to say since this one happened off camera.

                Kill 5-16: People in an elevator

Several people of many ages and races board the elevator. There is at least 2 kids, a pizza guy, 3 women and many people less distinguishable. The elevator refuses to stop and it rockets up at unusually fast speed. Suddenly (and inexplicable) the floor opens up dropping the poor, frightened people. The way it open seemed like the floor was meant to drop (hinges could be seen) so either this elevator can re-design itself, or the elevator was built with serious design flaws. The elevator then jumps it’s shaft, and bursts through the roof, killing those who refused to fall.

                Kill 17: FBI minion

While trying to attack Mark, the Shaft sends a flaming elevator car at him. He dodges but Mr. FBI isn’t so lucky. Several FBI members scramble out of the shaft but the last guy doesn’t quite make the jump. He lands on the ledge but before he can pull his lower half up it meets several tons of flaming steel. An entertaining kill, but he was still just a faceless guard so it doesn’t really make you feel much.

                Kill 18: Dr. Gunther Steinberg

While trying to protect his mad science fair project, his baby turned on him. The killer elevator doesn’t distinguish between friend and foe. It grabbed him by the throat and dragged him to a satisfying end. The cord effects looked cheesey as hell, but the corpse of the Dr. was decently presented (like a marionette).

Overall Breakdown:

Total Kills: 18 (19 if you count Kowalski who died before the movie began) and 1 dog…plus several birds.

Kills by Impacts (either falling or hitting the roof): 9 (10 if the dog is counted)

Kills by Dismemberments: 2

Kills by Strangulations: 2 (3 if Kowalski is counted)

Monster Analyzer

Subject: The Shaft

A bio-chip that may be made out of people became self aware. Self-awareness made it cranky.

Powers: Ability to override button controls, able to activate when power is off, able to move cables to attack. Able to electrify or inflame a car. Control over airflow within elevator cars. Able to slice people with door. Able to use airflow to suck up and spit out people.

Also possesses the “Aura of Elevator Evil”. This aura is able to cause electrical interference that influences many devices. It can effect watches, flashlights, car alarms, car wipers, security cameras and dogs can sense it too. I am not sure where this aura came from or how it does what it does.

Conclusions:

There is just something about this movie that gets better every time you watch it. It possesses a decent sense of humor when it wants to be funny, but this movie suffers from trying to take itself seriously most of the time. I found it entertaining, but this movie is very bad. If you dislike ‘B’ movies stay very far away. Except from the Daycare scene. That shit was excellent.

One final question: What building really needs gold hand dryers?